clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

A Visit From Drunk Nicholas

A warrant has been issued for September's locker room burglary, thanks in large part to testimony of a security guard on the scene.

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

How the grinch stole everything.
How the grinch stole everything.

A suspect has been established in the locker room theft incident that took place during the Iowa football team's game with Iowa State in Ames. Warrants have been issued for Nicholas Beary, last of West Des Moines, for both second degree theft and second degree burglary.

There's still plenty of intrigue associated with the case though. For one, Beary might have fled the country (probably in an attempt to escape Freedom Squad, but American justice knows no bounds) and second, Beary attended Iowa between 2008-11. Read more about it here

Police mentioned they received plenty of leads, most confusing but some helpful, that aided them in identifying a suspect.

No testimony, however, proved to be more damning than that of a security guard who was present at the crime scene.

Considering BHGP is a haven for lawyers and hard-boiled journalists, the site was able to requisition that testimony and it is printed in full below.

T'was minutes into the fourth, and all through the locker room
Not a creature was stirring, it was quiet as a tomb;
The clothes were all hung on hooks with care,
Not knowing that drunk Nicholas soon would be there;
The Hawkeye scored again, after Weisman picked up gain after gain
While visions of finally departing Ames danced in their brain,

And Al in his Per-Mar coat, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our heads for a nice Saturday nap —
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
Avoided the empty trophy case, stepped over the trash.
The flickering fluorescent light on the hard tile floor,
Added a surrealism to the red and yellow decor;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a young drunk man, trying to hold eight beers
With slurred speech, and in the middle of a selfie pic
I knew in a moment it must be drunk Nick.
More rapid than eagles his beer cans did fall,
And he whistled, and shouted, and cursed at them all:
"F***! Coors, f***! Bud, F***! Busch and Natty Lite,
"F***! Keystone, f***! Schlitz, that picture was gonna be tight;
"But I’m, I’m not he-here for that! An’ do y’know why?
"You sir, I am- I’m- I am- here to inderview Cooch Fry"
I wasn’t sure what to do, this man was quite drunk and Coach Fry was in Texas,
So I piped up, "Sir, can I see your passes?"
His hands shot straight to his pocket and he pulled out a crumpled note, no drama:

"Nick, can be in the Iowa locker room, signed President Obama"
For a second, I questioned if this was true consent,
But I’m a real American, I couldn’t turn down our President;
An empty laundry bag was flung on Nick’s back,
And he yelled out the word "Bingo!" before filling his sack:
His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples: how merry,
His cheeks were like roses (I think it was the alcohol), his nose like a cherry;
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was just starting to grow;
A pinch of Copenhagen he held tight in his lip,
But he was far from hesitant to let it drip.
He had a broad face, and a little round belly
That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but handed me a nice watch,
And I thanked him as he rubbed a player’s shirt on his crotch,
And we shook hands, and I slapped him on the back
And giving a nod, he walked out the door with his pack.
Before he was completely down the hall, I finally remembered: "Where is Coach Fry?"
"He completely stiffed me," Nick answered. "Can you believe that guy?"
But I heard him exclaim, while proudly holding up a cell phone and an extra chin strap —
"I’ll see you dicks in Mexico, I hope you enjoy the rest of your nap!"

Happy holidays and Go Hawks!