Last year around this time, Iowa hired a vending machine as quarterbacks coach, but things ended badly ...
You might have thought Iowa football's involvement with vending machines would have ended then and there, but you would have been dead wrong, mister. Recently, the following job ad appeared on the University of Iowa's website:
Almost immediately, a user named "Wasabeef" began to fill out an application:
Later, in Conference Room C, Kinnick Stadium, Iowa City, Iowa
You threw darts at your assistants, but I've been told by the higher-ups that you can't do that any more. We had to post the job publicly and accept applications through the normal university channels.
I know, but my copy of What Color is Your Parachute says that "when you find yourself in an untenable job situation, it is wise to explore possible landing places so that you are not caught off guard by sudden unemployment." So I like to put in applications whenever I hear something open up.
After several hours, the three men have winnowed a long list of applicants down to a handful, when they reach the final application.
Barta sends out the invitations to the various candidates, including the mysterious Nat. Ven Ding Masheen. Moments later, there is a flash of light and a clap of thunder in the visiting locker room.
END OF ACT I
Several days later, in Conference Room C
Hmm... these are some odd choices. I don't know what those things in the upper left are, I don't think Mr. Tippetts would like me bringing home another cat, and I don't smoke... The only thing I recognize is that potato. So I'll have that. Umm... how do I do this? I don't see any buttons. Maybe it's voice activated. "Potato chips please".
Later, Coach Ferentz exits the secure gate separating his office from his assistants.
Little does he know he has company...
And just as he's about to reach the exit...
What the... Oh, it's just this new fangled vending machine. No thanks. I try not to eat salty snacks after five P.M. [gets in car] A vending machine that follows you to your car. What a wondrous technological age we live in. [drives off]
Coach Ferentz drives home, but once again he is not alone.
And in the Ferentz driveway, a final confrontation takes place.
Gosh darnit, these high-tech machines are pushy. I can't have chips. My doctor says salty snacks before bed time are what's causing all those nightmares where I need four yards for a first down and keep getting three and a half. I'm going to have to say goodnight, but still, what a fascinating push-button age we live in, where a vending machine can be described as "pushy". Nana Ferentz would be amazed.
END OF ACT II, END OF COACH VENDING MACHINE SAGA... OR IS IT?