Oh, Cy-Hawk, Cy-Hawk, love me tender, love me sweet...
BRRING BRRING
Mr. Pollard?
Yes?
You have a caller. He says it's very important.
A very important call? Put him through, put him through!
Yes, sir.
Hello?
Mr. Pollard? Mr. Jamie Pollard? It is a great pleasure and ah delight to speak with you, sir. My name is Chick LeFay and ah have some exciting opportunities for you, sir. Very exciting opportunities!
I like exciting opportunities!
Excellent!
Well, first off, Mistah Pollard, let me ask you somethin': would you be interested in a-havin' Chick Fil-A take over the concession stands at your games?
/gasp
Would I ?! Golly gee! Mama will be so thrilled not to have to make all those loosemeats for the concession stands!
Loosemeats?
Oh, you know, maid-rites, sloppy joes, taverns...
Ah regret to inform you that my sophisticated Southern palate has never tasted any o' those sandwiches, sir.
Oh my, you're sure missing out! My mama makes the best gol-darn loosemeat sandwich in the world!
Ah will take your word for it, sir.
Wait... Chick-Fil-A? Chick LeFay? Is this a put-on? Is Barta behind this?
Barta? Ah am afraid ah don't know anyone named Barta, sir. And ah am as true and honest as the Southern-fried chicken sandwiches that ah love so dearly.
Do you pinky swear it?
Sir, ah swear on my sainted mother's grave that ah would not speak falsely to you.
Well, okay.
So how soon can you get the Chick-Fil-A stands set up at Jack Trice?
Oh, real soon, sir. Real soon. Ah'll have my assistant send over the papah work after this call.
Super!
But that's not all, Mr. Pollard, not by a country mile! Ah also have an exciting career opportunity for you, sir!
A career opportunity?! Aw hamburgers!
Sir, ah will kindly ask you not to speak such vulgarity in mah presence.
Uh...
Ah'm a chicken-man, sir, and ah come from a long, proud line of chicken-men, sir. And as far as ah'm concerned, there is no greater insult than the four-letter b-word and the unholy products it spawns.
Oh. Um... well... sorry about that. I, uh, didn't --
Oh, ah know, ah know. You didn't mean any disparagement by it, ah'm sure. Why, frankly it's mah own fault for bein' unfair and holding you to the same rigorous standards of manners an' polite behaviah that befits a Southern gentleman.
Sir, I'm a Midwesterner! Politeness is in my bones!
Oh, ah do apologize if ah have oh-fended you, mah good man. Ah do declare that your Yankee tongue does bedevil me somethin' fierce at times, sir.
Oh, er...
But ah seem to have digressed from the matter at hand and for that ah do offer mah sincere apologies once again.
Um, thank you, but --
Ah wanted to discuss a most interestin' career opportunity with you, as ah recall.
Oh, jeez.. Gol-dang your timing, Mr. LeFay! This just isn't a good time for me to change jobs. I just signed a contract extension with Iowa State and I mean to honor it, sir. A Pollard always honors his commitments, that's what my family always says!
Really?
/sheepish ... well, it's what I always say...
Uh huh.
And also it's Iowa week! There's nothing I love more than beating those gol-darn Iowa Hawkeyes! Well, maybe billboards. But it's real close, mister. Real gosh-darn close!
Well, ah can respect that, sir, ah most definitely can. As a propah Southern gentleman ah've known a few good an' proper blood feuds in my day.
Well, then you understand why I can't possibly accept your job offer, Mr. LeFay. I am very grateful for the offer, but there's just no way I can --
Oh ho ho, Mistah Pollard, ah do believe you have come to misundahstand me and mah offer! The career opportunity ah have for you is not something that would take the place of your current job, sir. This opportunity ah'm bringin' to you is something you would be able to do in addition to your duties as Iowa State athletic directah.
Really? Well, color me intrigued!
Ah thought you might be. Well, Mistah Pollard, let me cut straight to the chase: ah'm talkin' to you because my employers would like to invite you to be on the Selection Committee for the 4-team football playoff that's comin' down the pipeline next year.
Hot diggity dog! That's super exciting! I'd love to do it.
Tremendous! Simply tremendous. Ah knew you would be a great fit for this position, which is exactly what ah told my employers.
Jeez, that sure is flattering!
Flattery is for hustlers and lotharios, sir, what ah'm speakin' is nothing less than the unvarnished truth of the mattah.
So how did you know I would be such a perfect fit? Was it because of my role as First Vice-President of the Division 1A Athletics Directors Association?
Ah, no.
Hmm. I know, was it my accomplishments as chair of the Big 12 Athletics Directors Committee, like the tremendous television deals we negotiated and the successful addition of two new members to the conference?
Correct me if ah'm mistaken, but haven't you boys also lost four members?
Um, well, about that --
But, no, it wasn't that.
Oh. Maybe my sterling record of hiring coaches?
No.
Huh. My breezy charm with the media?
No.
My peerless billboard management acumen?
No.
Well, golly! You've got me stumped, Mr. LeFay! Seems like you might know me better than myself!
/chuckles
Well, ah don't know about that, Mistah Pollard, but it sure is awful nice of you to say so.
Sure, sure... so what was it?
Well, Mr. Pollard, the long and short of it is that my employers and ah were both sure you were the perfect fit because we knew there was no chance of your school, Iowa State, ever bein' a part of the playoff discussion! Not in a million years! So we could count on you to be an impartial observah.
...
That, uh, that seems a little presumptuous, Mr. LeFay. I have full faith and confidence in Coach Rhoads and he certainly has our program moving in the right direction now, so --
That's all fine an' dandy, Mistah Pollard, but as ah understand it your boys haven't won even a share of your conference championship in one hundred years. So, no offense, but mah employers and ah felt like you would be perfect for this position. Matter of fact, we think you'd be so perfect we'd like to offer you a lifetime contract!
Er... pardon my curiosity, sir, but who are your employers?
Why, Messrs. Slive, Delany, Bowlsby, Scott, and the rest of the conference commissioners, of course.
Oh. Why couldn't they offer me themselves? I mean, I talk to Bob almost every week and --
Oh, sir, you know how it is. They can't go out and do it themselves, what with those internettin' sites trackin' their flights and reporters watchin' their every move and suchlike.
Huh. That's weird, Bob has never mentioned anything like that to me --
Mistah Bowlsby does like to keep things close to the vest, as ah understand it.
And you're not even offering me in-person, come to think of it. We're talking over the phone, so --
SO NOTHING! AH DO DECLARE THAT...
YOU'RE A GODDAMN JACKASS, POLLARD. THERE'S NO WAY DELANY AND SLIVE WOULD LET SUCH A LIMP-DICK LOSER ON THE SELECTION COMMITTEE. I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM? THEY'VE NEVER WON MORE THAN SEVEN GAMES SINCE YOU'VE BEEN THERE! YOU'RE WALKIN' INTO A HORNET'S NEST ON SATURDAY, JAMIE. WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR MANHOOD AND YOUR PRIDE... AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE BACK THE GODDAMN CY-HAWK TROPHY TOO.
AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE... BECAUSE BLOODPUNCH SAID SO.
/hangs up
dammit.
* * *
Oh man, I can't believe he bought that one. I mean, Chick LeFay? That ridiculous accent? How gullible is that motherfucker?
/shrugs
/jots down note
Kirk?
/chews gum
KIRK!
/looks up
Sorry, Gary. Kinda in game mode now. Gotta focus. Real tough opponent this weekend. Gotta prepare.
/sigh
Alright, alright. Just beat those goddamn sonsofbitches, will you? If we lose again, I'm gonna pistolwhip that little shitstain into a pile of gore and stupidity in the Kinnick parking lot and put that on a goddamn billboard.
/chews gum
/jots down note
Fran! Get in here. I'm gonna call Hoiberg and tell him that The Wiggles want to play a free concert for him at his birthday next month
Goddamn, I love being me.
