Ah'm a chicken-man, sir, and ah come from a long, proud line of chicken-men, sir. And as far as ah'm concerned, there is no greater insult than the four-letter b-word and the unholy products it spawns.
Oh, ah know, ah know. You didn't mean any disparagement by it, ah'm sure. Why, frankly it's mah own fault for bein' unfair and holding you to the same rigorous standards of manners an' polite behaviah that befits a Southern gentleman.
Oh, jeez.. Gol-dang your timing, Mr. LeFay! This just isn't a good time for me to change jobs. I just signed a contract extension with Iowa State and I mean to honor it, sir. A Pollard always honors his commitments, that's what my family always says!
And also it's Iowa week! There's nothing I love more than beating those gol-darn Iowa Hawkeyes! Well, maybe billboards. But it's real close, mister. Real gosh-darn close!
Oh ho ho, Mistah Pollard, ah do believe you have come to misundahstand me and mah offer! The career opportunity ah have for you is not something that would take the place of your current job, sir. This opportunity ah'm bringin' to you is something you would be able to do in addition to your duties as Iowa State athletic directah.
Ah thought you might be. Well, Mistah Pollard, let me cut straight to the chase: ah'm talkin' to you because my employers would like to invite you to be on the Selection Committee for the 4-team football playoff that's comin' down the pipeline next year.
Hmm. I know, was it my accomplishments as chair of the Big 12 Athletics Directors Committee, like the tremendous television deals we negotiated and the successful addition of two new members to the conference?
Well, Mr. Pollard, the long and short of it is that my employers and ah were both sure you were the perfect fit because we knew there was no chance of your school, Iowa State, ever bein' a part of the playoff discussion! Not in a million years! So we could count on you to be an impartial observah.
That's all fine an' dandy, Mistah Pollard, but as ah understand it your boys haven't won even a share of your conference championship in one hundred years. So, no offense, but mah employers and ah felt like you would be perfect for this position. Matter of fact, we think you'd be so perfect we'd like to offer you a lifetime contract!
YOU'RE A GODDAMN JACKASS, POLLARD. THERE'S NO WAY DELANY AND SLIVE WOULD LET SUCH A LIMP-DICK LOSER ON THE SELECTION COMMITTEE. I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT A WINNING FOOTBALL TEAM? THEY'VE NEVER WON MORE THAN SEVEN GAMES SINCE YOU'VE BEEN THERE! YOU'RE WALKIN' INTO A HORNET'S NEST ON SATURDAY, JAMIE. WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR MANHOOD AND YOUR PRIDE... AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE BACK THE GODDAMN CY-HAWK TROPHY TOO.
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Alright, alright. Just beat those goddamn sonsofbitches, will you? If we lose again, I'm gonna pistolwhip that little shitstain into a pile of gore and stupidity in the Kinnick parking lot and put that on a goddamn billboard.