Hey, Coach.
Oh hey, MarQueis.
You wanted to see me about something?
Yes! Yes, I did.
Uh, is this about Goldie puking all over his costume the other day at the State Fair? Because I swear, Coach, I told him not to keep eating those lamb fries and sushi. I mean, who eats sushi at a State Fair, anyway? Stick to Pronto Pups, right?
What? No. I don't even...
Look, no, it's not about that. Goldie's, ah, indiscretions will be dealt with later.
Okay.
No, MarQueis, I called you here because I wanted you to be the first to see our exciting new team room!
(via @GopherSports)
Wow! That looks awesome, Coach!
/beams
/sits down
Oh man, these chairs are killer. So comfortable.
Yes, sir. Comfort is king, that's what my great grandpappy always said.
Really?
...no. Usually he said [incoherent small animal sounds].
Wait, was your grandpa an actual gopher?
... I don't like to talk about it.
/awkward silence
/still awkward
Um... Coach?
Yes?
This is great and all and the pictures of the stadium are beautiful, but... why is it empty?
/sigh
Is it supposed to be the student section? I know we'd only sold 2000 student tickets as of a few weeks ago... even after I went on that Segway Tour Meet 'n' Greet all over campus!
No, it's not that.
Oh, I get it. It's supposed to be some sort of visualization exercise, right? Like how you have me visualize throwing a completed pass to one of my actual receivers and not a defensive back? We're supposed to visualize actually playing in front of 50,000 screaming, excited Gopher fans, right?
Uh... yes! Yes, that's it!
Really?
No. That's not true, either.
Really?
The truth is... we couldn't find any pictures of a full TCF Bank Stadium that didn't include at least 15,000 Iowa fans.
Oh.
Or Wisconsin fans.
Ah.
Or Nebraska fans.
Yeah.
Or North Dakota State fans.
Ugh.
Or South Dakota fans.
/sigh
Or --
Okay, Coach, I get it. Those fanbases are something else.
Yep.
/gets up
You know what, Coach? I believe that some day -- someday soon! -- the Bank will be packed full of Gopher fans! 50,000 Gopher fans crammed into every seat in the place!
That's the spirit, MarQueis!
Ski-u-mah! Ski-u-mah!
/leaves room
/shakes head sadly
50,000 Gopher fans? Ha! You poor, deluded fool... what did Tim Brewster do to you?
* * *
Somewhere in the darkest reaches of America (aka, Mississippi)...
/perks up
BREW SENSE TINGLING
RETURN GLORY TRIUMPH