July 4
Alright, today is the day. Are you ready?
I think so.
Let's go through the checklist. Fatigues?
Check.
Assault rifle?
Check, but I'm not really comfortable handling this.
Yeah, I know you've told me a thousand times. You're not getting a bow and arrow Robin Hood. OK, next item. Night vision goggles?
It's 8:15 in the morning.
Your loss. Swiss Army Knife?
Right here. It even has a spork.
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh, that's good stuff. Checklist is good, let's do this.
Let's do this... for America.
The two embrace
Wink
Ricky, did you just say the word ‘wink' ?
What?! No, no, I said ‘wing,' like let's wing out of here and kick some Freedom Squad butt.
...
...
Ready to wing?
...sure.
Three hours later, the duo makes a dazzling entrance into a fortress in the Midwest. Bursting through the ceiling into the command center.
EVERYBODY DOWN! EVERYBODY DOWN! EVERYBODY DOWN!
The room is empty.
Are you sure this is the right spot?
Look around you, James. Who has a set-up like this? There here, they have to be here. Look over there a door.
The two men stand on both sides of the doorway. "Ricky" breaks into a big grin.
HERE'S RAKI!
(to himself) Raki?
"Ricky" fires countless rounds into the metal door which fills with bullet holes. "Ricky" grabs the door handle and pulls.
A voice comes from the other side of the room
.
What's with all the nois... our bathroom! What happened to our bathroom?!
Where are they?!
Where is who? In case you guys did not know, it's the Fourth of July, everybody is off.
Not this group, they never take a day off. Where is Leman? Where is Clayborn? Where is Ace? Where is Stanzi?
Umm what?
Where is the Freedom Squad?!
Gone.
What do you mean, ‘gone'?
Just that, gone. Stanzi is in Kansas City, Clayborn and Ace are in Tampa and Leman is out west looking to get back into the NFL. They're not here, hell this place has spent the last six months producing paper plates and plastic silverware.
Two years I've been planning this. Two years! I've been mixed up with so many different people... Pat Harty, Ron Zook, Birk Berentz. Every single one wanting me to take down the Freedom Squad and every time I'd get thwarted, but this time was supposed to be different. This time I'm doing it for myself and now you tell me they're not only not here, but gone for good?!
Wait, wait, wait. None of this is making any sense.
James, I...um... I... have not been completely honest. I am not Ricky Stanzi. I am...
Yeah, I knew that
What?
A. You sound nothing like Ricky. B. You're not wearing a single bracelet. And C. You corrected me at least four times during the way here that your name was Paki, not Ricky.
So what exactly doesn't make sense?
Well, let's see. I'm face to face with a good looking blonde woman who is wearing some kind of Halloween cop costume. And, umm, Birk Berentz? Who the hell is that?
It's a long story. About three years ago, I get this phone cal... Hey wait. I'm getting off point. Why is everybody gone?
The Freedom Squad is a big believer in what Nile Kinnick said in his Heisman speech. We'd rather be warring on the gridirons across the United States than on the battlefields across the world. Protecting freedom is an important job, but one that does not necessarily have to be full-time.
Wait. Protecting freedom? Whoa, I was way off. Ummmm James, we might have made a mistake. I'm really, really sorry about that bathroom. And, well, the roof too.
Yeah, that's probably going to be a little expensive. I'll tell you what, how about you come here and work during the weekends to help pay off the damage.
Me? A part of Freedom Squad?
Well technically we're called "Cutlery to the Chase" now, but sure. We could use somebody with your spark.
It would be an absolute honor. Let freedom ring!
It's... it's... it's... just plates and silverware I swear. I'll go grab some papers.
She leaves
This is the best 4th of July ever!
Let's see, we travel three hours with you blabbing the entire time, destroy a roof, destroy a bathroom and then your plan of two years ends with you getting a job at the place you promised to destroy. All things considered Paki, I'd rather be out fishing right now.
On an important day like today? Let me tell you friend: Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July as you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression or persecution, but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: we will not go quietly into the night; we will not vanish without a fight; we're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!
That is literally line for line, Bill Pullman's speech from Independence Day.
I know pretty awesome, right?
Oh no, not again.
God, Will Smith was awesome in that movie: ‘Welcome to Earf" Who says that to an Alien? Will Smth does, that's who.
I swear to God, if we spend the whole way back talking about Independence Day again, I'm going to go insane.
Heheheheheh, Welcome to Earf.