clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Buy EA Sports NCAA Football '13 for the Heismans, Stay for the Names

Hey guys, have you heard that EA Sports NCAA Football 13 is now available for purchase? And that you can put a bunch of Heisman winners on your team, even if they played for your rival school? So now you can find out what happens if Iowa and Northwestern exchanged Heisman winners, and Nile Kinnick led the Wildcats against an Iowa team with nobody on it!

That's not why I'll be buying the game, though. I'll be playing Dynasty Mode for the next ten months, stocking my team with imaginary four-star recruits with names created by the EA Sports Name Generator, like the following from previous iterations of the game:

Dennis Goodspeed (Wide receiver, NCAA '01): Goodspeed was a last-week commit, landed after three straight weeks of in-home visits by Coach Iowa Coach and his assistant coach. This was clearly a recruiting violation. Contrary to his name, Goodspeed was a bit slow, and never really contributed in the two seasons he was in Iowa City before being uncerimoniously cut by Coach Iowa Coach in an effort to get the roster down under the NCAA's draconian 65 player limit.

Don Rayne (Defensive tackle converted to running back, NCAA '04): Sure, he was 6'5" and 285 pounds and couldn't break five seconds in the 40-yard dash, but Don Rayne was destined to play halfback by virtue of his physical and name similarity to Wisconsin running back Ron Dayne. Coach Iowa Coach saw this and converted the lightly-recruited Rayne to halfback, where he fumbled constantly but tackled every defender who recovered said fumbles. He was cut by Coach Iowa Coach after his redshirt sophomore season.

Thomas Thomas (Linebacker, NCAA '05): Thomas Thomas played with the kind of mean streak you would expect from someone saddled with maybe the worst name of all time by his parents. He was a vicious tackler and routinely jumped six to eight feet in the air to intercept and knock down passes. Unfortunately, despite literally being named Tom Tom, he lacked the instinctive direction needed to play inside linebacker at Iowa.

At Uchanan (Presidential Candidate, Election Colors): Not an EA character, but the fictional name given to Pat Buchanan in Steve Forbes' anonymously-written political novel. Teve Torbes had it goin' on!

D'Juan Goodhue (Cornerback, NCAA '07): D'Juan was originally from Montana. This was funny.

Will Knapp (Running Back, NCAA '10): Coach Iowa Coach found his own virtual version of Colin Sleeper when he discovered Will Knapp running the ball in Florida. Knapp only had three stars as a recruit, but after a redshirt season spent napping and a convenient name change (he was renamed "Have Knapped"), he became a Big Ten rushing leader for the 2013 and 2014 Hawkeyes. Knapp left early for Madden 2010, despite a number of phone calls and in-home visits from Coach Iowa Coach attempting to convince him to stay. Nobody knows how Have Knapped did at the next level, because I haven't bought Madden since 2006.

Ronald McDonald (Athlete, NCAA '12): Yes, he has the same name as the McDonald's clown whose image has been the blueprint for Iowa State's athletic wear since the early 80s, but the funniest part of Ronald McDonald's story was his position. The scouting services classified McDonald as an "athlete" despite the fact that he was 6'7", weighed 325 pounds, and had a 40 overall rating at every position but offensive line. Coach SMU Coach (second dynasty on that game) put him at cornerback. Hilarity ensued, as McDonald's press coverage skills with a safety over the top made opposing receivers little more than decorations. He won the Heisman as the most lock-down cornerback since Deion Sanders, and will presumably be available in NCAA '13 to play with your school's team.

So go buy EA Sports NCAA '13. You'll be glad you did, or my name's not Coach Iowa Coach!

This post was sponsored by EA Sports NCAA Football 13. Check out the video for the game below.