Last Thursday, Iowa football coach Kirk Ferentz followed prominent Iowa fan Zach Johnson around the course at the John Deere Classic. Johnson shot a 68 that day, although he played much better in the subsequent three rounds and won the tournament on the second hole of a sudden death playoff Sunday. After the round, Ferentz and Johnson met and chatted. Friend of the Pants Mike Hlas has an account of that meeting that's based on things like "facts," "reality," and "honest observations." On the other hand, we here at BHGP have spies who smuggled us this account of their meeting. As always, dear readers, we leave it for you to decide which account you prefer.
And you don't take so many of those dumb, risky shots like Mickelson. I can't stand that guy. What's he thinking? I mean, really, what goes through his head? I don't get it. That U.S. Open a few years ago? The one he lost because he decided to get all cute and risky on the last hole? That just blew me away. I mean... just real, real surprising. I couldn't wrap my head around that at all.
I've run offenses where we had an honest to god statue at quarterback -- hand to God, we borrowed Nathan Chandler from the UI Museum of Art for Saturdays -- and I've run offenses where we just pulled a guy out of the food court at Hillcrest -- you know, that's where we found Sam Brownlee, no lie -- and once I ran an offense where every guy on the line was about 200 lbs. and couldn't grow facial hair... and, I promise you, none of them -- truthfully, not one of those offenses -- was as bad as the offense I had with that lefty.
/oblivious Finally Ken told me you could actually bench a guy even if he wasn't hurt or got arrested. Wow! I mean, really, wow! Totally opened my eyes. I wish I'd known that a year sooner. We had a guy at wide receiver that year, he went and had hand replacement surgery over the summer. Can you believe it? Really, hand replacement surgery. Got himself some flippers instead. Kind of weird, right? Well, I don't know if you ever played football -- did you ever play football?
Right, right. You know, Rich was a nice guy, real nice guy. Gave me a real good CD. Josh somebody, I think. Anyway, good guy, but boy, just a bad fit. A real bad fit. And John doesn't think he's gonna fit there anymore. So he calls me up -- and then Lloyd calls me up too, just singing the kid's praises -- and I just felt so bad for him. Real bad. So I said, sure, come on over.
Teddy Southpaw. He ran my neighborhood with a left-handed fist of cruelty. Everyone hated him. Just couldn't stand him. And his left hand. He did everything with that hand. Pointed at you with it. Threw rocks at you with it. Slapped you with it. Gave you wet willies, purple nurples, and wedgies with it. Cheated at jacks with it. That damn left hand.