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Ken O'Keefe Meets Chad Ochocinco

A team meeting at the Miami Dolphins mini-camp.

Joe_philbin_icon_medium ... so the bad news is that HBO has decided to pass on airing "Hard Knocks" this year. They said the Dolphins were too boring.

Ochocinco_icon_medium What! But we got me!

Joe_philbin_icon_medium Which would be great if this was 2007.

Ochocinco_icon_medium (scowls) And a top-ten draft pick at QB!

Joe_philbin_icon_medium Turns out HBO execs actually watched Texas A&M games last year! Who knew?

Ryan_tannehill_icon_medium /has a sad

Joe_philbin_icon_medium But that's the bad news. The good news is that someone else picked up "Hard Knocks."

Ochocinco_icon_medium Who?

Joe_philbin_icon_medium SyFy! We're going to be airing right after JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK II: THE WRATH OF SHARKTOPUS in just three short weeks!

Ochocinco_icon_medium Aw hell.

Later that day...

Iconokeefe_medium Hi there, Chad.

Ochocinco_icon_medium Oh, hey... Ken, right?

Iconokeefe_medium heh heh

Iconokeefe_medium That's right! Ken O'Keefe! I'm the new Dolphins wide receiver coach.

Ochocinco_icon_medium Right. Good to meet you.

Iconokeefe_medium Likewise, likewise... I can't wait to spend some time together.

Ochocinco_icon_medium Um...

Iconokeefe_medium You know, I was at Iowa for several years before coming to Miami. We had a receiver there... well, let's just say he was quite a "cool" character! Ha ha!

Ochocinco_icon_medium /blank stare

Iconokeefe_medium Uh, anyway... So I was thinking we could hang out, get to know each other... you know, start bonding?

Ochocinco_icon_medium Oh no! Hell no! Not a goddamn chance, man.

Iconokeefe_medium What? Why not? What's wrong?

Ochocinco_icon_medium I've heard all about you. You think Chad Ochocinco doesn't do his homework? AW HELL NO. Chad does his goddamn homework.

Iconokeefe_medium But --

Ochocinco_icon_medium And I know all about the crazy shit you used to pull back at Iowa. Sending quarterbacks out into the woods to fight goddamn bears or some shit... HELL NO. I don't mess with bears. No fuckin' way.

Iconokeefe_medium Chad, that's just crazy talk.

Ochocinco_icon_medium You ain't really trying to deny that you sent them poor dumb quarterbacks out into the woods to fight bears, are you? I've seen the stories, man!

Iconokeefe_medium Well, no...

Ochocinco_icon_medium A-HA! You ain't gonna get me out there. No way, no how. Me and bears, we keep our distance.

Iconokeefe_medium Chad, I would never send you out into the woods to fight a bear or hunt a bear or anything else.

Ochocinco_icon_medium ...

Iconokeefe_medium Seriously. I mean, for Pete's sake, we're in Florida! There aren't any bears around here! Sheesh!

Ochocinco_icon_medium So what, then? Gators? You gonna have me fight gators? 'Cause I don't mess with them either. I talked to Brandon...

Iconokeefe_medium Don't be ridiculous, Chad! Alligators are dangerous! Those big long jaws, so full of teeth... /shudder

Ochocinco_icon_medium Huh. Okay, okay. So what is it then?

Iconokeefe_medium Dolphins, Chad!

Ochocinco_icon_medium Well, I already met a bunch of the guys. We've been getting close. Reggie was pretty cool. Ryan said he was gonna look my way every play, but, shit, you know quarterbacks... they're always talking nonsense like that.

Iconokeefe_medium /chuckles They sure can be a goofy bunch...

Iconokeefe_medium But, no, Chad, not your teammates. I mean dolphins. Real dolphins. They need our help!

Ochocinco_icon_medium ...

Ochocinco_icon_medium what

Iconokeefe_medium They're in danger, Chad!

Ochocinco_icon_medium You mean endangered?

Iconokeefe_medium No, in clear and present danger! They're in peril!

Ochocinco_icon_medium You realize I play wide receiver, right? I'm not, like, a marine biologist or a veterinarian or, um, whatever that Steve Irwin dude was.

Iconokeefe_medium God rest his stingray-pierced soul.

Ochocinco_icon_medium Uh, yeah.

Iconokeefe_medium It doesn't matter! You don't need any special training or expert knowledge to help them right now! Just follow me!

Ochocinco_icon_medium Um...

Ochocinco_icon_medium /shrugs

Ochocinco_icon_medium Oh, what the hell...

Two hours later...

Ochocinco_icon_medium Yo, Kenny, where the hell are these dolphins at? How do you know they're still in danger anyway? We been out here forever. Also, I'm no zoologist, but I'm pretty sure dolphins don't live in the forest.

Iconokeefe_medium (quietly) Oh, they're not the ones in danger...

Iconokeefe_medium (loudly) Just a little bit farther, Chad! Just through this clearing in fact...

Chad and Ken step into the clearing


Beargator_icon_medium RRRAWWWWR

Ochocinco_icon_medium OH SHIT

Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR

Ochocinco_icon_medium OH SHIT

Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR

Ochocinco_icon_medium OH FUCK

Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR

Ochocinco_icon_medium WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR

Iconokeefe_medium heh heh

Iconokeefe_medium Do you like him? I call him... BEARGATOR!

Ochocinco_icon_medium GAAHHHH KEEP IT AWAY, KEEP IT AWAY

Iconokeefe_medium Aw, you don't want to hurt Beargator's feelings, do you, Chad?

Ochocinco_icon_medium squee

Iconokeefe_medium Those fools in their ivory towers! Those self-proclaimed intelligentsia! They said it couldn't be done! "No, O'Keefe, that's absurd! You can't combine a bear and an alligator! That's preposterous!"

Iconokeefe_medium PAH! Little men with little brains and even littler ambitions. Well, we showed them wrong, didn't we, Beargator?

Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR

Iconokeefe_medium They said it violates the laws of nature! PFFT I say they were just too chickenshit to take science to its logical extreme! Beargator is the future, Chad! The future!

Ochocinco_icon_medium ...

Iconokeefe_medium I knew I could never realize my dream at Iowa. I tried for several years. Oh, how I tried. But there just weren't enough alligators in Iowa. Who would have guessed, right?

Ochocinco_icon_medium ...

Iconokeefe_medium And then Kirk started catching wind of what I was up to and threatened to expose me. Feeble-brained pissant. He was always holding me down, always reining in my genius! So when Joe got the job with the Dolphins, I said "A-ha! There's ol' Kenny's exit strategy! No fuss, no muss!"

Iconokeefe_medium Plus, if there's one thing Florida has plenty of it's alligators. Not to mention pretty lax bio-engineering laws.

Ochocinco_icon_medium ...

Iconokeefe_medium And retirees. Lots and lots of retirees. Although a few less now, if you catch my drift... /exaggerated wink

Ochocinco_icon_medium You crazy, man. You're a goddamn nutcase.

Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR


Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR

Ochocinco_icon_medium oh fuck


Ochocinco_icon_medium /runs furiously

Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR

Ochocinco_icon_medium /keeps running

Beargator_icon_medium RRAWWWWWR

Ochocinco_icon_medium /more running

Ochocinco_icon_medium /still running

Ochocinco_icon_medium /stops running

Ochocinco_icon_medium (out of breath) Phew... I think... I finally ... lost that ... goddamn thing.

A hissing noise fills the air

Ochocinco_icon_medium /turns around


Ochocinco_icon_medium OH SH--

Suddenly, Chad Ochocino wakes with a start.

Ochocinco_icon_medium GAHHH

Ochocinco_icon_medium oh thank god

Ochocinco_icon_medium thank you, thank you, thank you

Ochocinco_icon_medium it was just a dream

Iconokeefe_medium What was just a dream, Chad?

Ochocinco_icon_medium Oh god. I had this horrible nightmare. You led me out into the woods and told me we needed to rescue dolphins and then there was this crazy monster that you'd made, half-bear and half-alligator, and it tried to eat me so I started running and I kept running and finally I got to this stream and I thought I was safe but when I turned around there was this giant snake-fish thing and it went to eat me and then - BAM - I woke up.

Iconokeefe_medium heh heh

Iconokeefe_medium Well, that sure sounds like one crazy dream!

Ochocinco_icon_medium Yeah. Um, Ken...

Iconokeefe_medium Yes, Chad?

Ochocinco_icon_medium Why are you in my room?

Iconokeefe_medium Oh, I just like watching you sleep, Chad! You can learn a lot about a man while he sleeps!

Ochocinco_icon_medium ...

Ochocinco_icon_medium Goddamn, this is gonna be a weird year.

- fin -