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Jamie Pollard meets the commish


Dateline: Ames, Iowa

Jamie Pollard whistles a happy tune as he walks to his office at the Iowa State athletic building

Happy_pollard_icon_medium (as he's walking) Hi. Hello. Jim, looking good. Kate, I like the dress. I brought doughnuts!

Pollard reaches his office

Happy_pollard_icon_medium Ron, how are things? You are looking as happy as ever.

Iconronald_medium Wow, you are in the good mood. Did an Iowa player get arrested?

Happy_pollard_icon_medium No, no. Have you checked the newspapers? We just pulled in over a million dollars of royalties in merchandise. People cannot seem to get enough of the Cyclones, so I'm walking on air. What could go wr-

Phone rings

Iconronald_medium Hello, Jamie Pollard's office... Yes, I heard... Congratulations... He is in.

Pollard shakes head vigorously

Iconronald_medium Oops he just stepped out... Where is he going? (To Pollard) Where are you going?

Iconpollard_medium To the dentist.

Iconronald_medium He's going to the denti... oh you heard that? Well he was just about to leave, but he would be happy to talk to you. One second.

Iconronald_medium Sorry, he caught us.

Iconpollard_medium I know that, who is it now?

Iconronald_medium It's the new Big XII commissioner Bob Bowlsby. He said he just wanted to check in.

Iconpollard_medium Barta! Can't that bastard let me have one day to enjoy myself. Patch it through to my office.

Pollard enters his office


Iconpollard_medium (in dour voice) Hello. This is Jamie.

Bob_icon_medium Hi Jamie, this is Bob Bowlsby. How are things over in Ames?

Iconpollard_medium Wonderful, just wonderful. Why are you calling me?

Bob_icon_medium Well, you probably know by now that I have been named commissioner of the Big XII. So, I have been calling each of the schools and introducing myself and finding out a little more about each institution and how things are going.

Iconpollard_medium And that's it? You're not going to tell me that we've been replaced by Oklahoma A&M or that due to some scheduling snafu we'll have to play every one of our games at the Astrodome?

Bob_icon_medium What?! Of course not. I'm going to run a conference based around solidarity and teamwork. No team is going to get the short straw in my Big XII.

Iconpollard_medium Yeah, I bet. Let me guess, for this solidarity I'm going to have to wear a suit of armor at this summer's Big XII meetings again. Do you how embarrassing that was last year? And not to mention hot. I collapsed three different times due to heat stroke.

Bob_icon_medium That's ridiculous. Of course, you won't wear a suit of armor. Wait, did that actually happen? I heard rumors and I saw the YouTube video, but everybody at Stanford thought that that was just a dumb teenager dressed in armor.

Iconpollard_medium No, it was me, so let's get down to the nitty gritty, make your outrageous request, make me look like a fool and then laugh at me.

Bob_icon_medium I don't understand.

Iconpollard_medium Give up the act, I know you are the athletic director at Iowa.

Bob_icon_medium Actually, I was the athletic director. Then I went to Stanford. I figured you would know a little more about me.

Iconpollard_medium You know what "Bowlsby," I was in an excellent mood until you called. We had a huge year on the merchandising front.

Bob_icon_medium I heard about that. That is wonderful to hear, it shows prosperity and sustainability. Keep it up.

Iconpollard_medium Wait, you heard about the merchandising?

Bob_icon_medium Yes, I read it in the newspaper, congrats.

Iconpollard_medium Excuse me for a moment.

Pollard puts Bowlsby on hold

Iconpollard_medium (yelling) Ron, get in here!

Iconronald_medium Yes?

Iconpollard_medium Barta knows about the merchandise. Get all of this stuff out of here. Hand it out to the homeless, send it to Africa, burn it. I don't care just get it out. If Barta reveals that the athletic department bought over half of the merchandise, I'll be a laughingstock. Get it out!

Iconronald_medium Yes sir.

Jamie picks up the phone again

Iconpollard_medium Now where was I? Oh yeah. Let's get this over with. I have a lot of things to move, uh do, I mean do.

Bob_icon_medium I don't know what you're talking about. Let's change topics: tell me what to expect from your fans.

Iconpollard_medium Screw the fans! Enough is enough. You insult me right now. Tell me how dumb I am. Tell me how crappy I run this program. Send me to another made up bowl game. Tell me to mint Kevin Jackson Silver Dollars. Let me know the Sun Belt is still accepting applications. Do it! Damnit! Do it.

Bob_icon_medium Jesus, you know what? You're a masochist. You need help. And no, I'm not going to do anything of the sort.

Iconpollard_medium Why are you doing this? Why? Can't you just let me be? Why do you have to keep up this charade. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Pollard puts his head on his desk and sobs.

Bob_icon_medium Hello? Hello? I guess we'll try this another time.

Bowlsby hangs up the phone

Bob_icon_medium OK, I did it. That was one of the most disturbing experiences I've ever been a part of.



Iconbarta_medium That was great.

Bob_icon_medium Now we're even, right?

Iconbarta_medium Like hell we are. Go get me a sparkling water.

Bob_icon_medium What?

Iconbarta_medium Iconbarta90_medium

Bob_icon_medium (sighing) Yes sir.

Meanwhile in Ames, Pollard still has his head resting on his desk.

Iconronald_medium Mr. Pollard? Mr. Pollard, are you alright? We've got rid of all the merchandise, but now we have a new problem.

Iconpollard_medium What now?


Hoiberg_medium Halt, who dares approach the walls of Hoiberg castle. Well if it isn't Dragon Pollard. Prepareth to be slayed.