So if I move this guy over here...
/draws squiggly line
...and the guy with the ball runs this way...
/draws a circle
...BINGO! THAT'S A WINNER!
Excuse me, Tim?
Athletic director Mike Thomas!!! What a pleasant surprise!!
Yes, good to see you too, Tim. What are you up to today?
Oh, just drawing up some new offensive plays! Gotta resurrect Illini football somehow!
/looks over play
Well, Tim, I don't mean to step on your toes here, but I don't think that play is going to work.
Really? Why do you say that?
For one, it looks like you just have a halfback running in small circles around your quarterback. Also, there are three players in motion at once, a forward pass attempted ten yards past the line of scrimmage, and thirteen players on the field.
Well, I'm just tryin' to shake things up!!! Get people excited!!!
In fact, if I didn't know better, I would think you knew nothing at all about the basic rules and strategy of the game of football! Ha!
...um...yeah. That's a good joke, boss!!! Illini football fever!!!
I'm not here to argue X's and O's with you, Coach. You obviously know what you're doing there. I'm here to talk about something else, though.
Tim, we have to talk about your Twitter account.
My Twitter account??? What's wrong with my Twitter account???!?!!?
It's not "wrong," per se. I completely understand and support your efforts to connect with players, recruits, and fans through social media. I think it's important you have a presence on the Internet. It's just that...
Well, it's just that you use a lot of exclamation points.
Heh, yeah, I do!!!! I'm an energetic person!!!
I understand that, but there's some of these that make no sense at all.
For instance, look at this one:
I don't see what's wrong there!!
"We will be in Danville Wednesday" is not a sentence demanding an exclamation point. Nobody is excited about going to Danville. People who live in Danville don't use an exclamation point when describing Danville or a trip to Danville. If a hypothetical person was named Dan Ville, he would not be excited about visiting Danville.
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree!!
What about this one from late last week:
I don't see anything wrong there!!!!
Really? Well, there's "Great Illini fans very supportive" for one, which has one exclamation point and zero verbs. You also typed "u" as a replacement for the word "you" like a 12-year-old girl.
Gotta save characters! "If u wanna get some u'd better bring some!"
Yeah, and what's with the quotes? I mean, this doesn't even make sense:
I don't know, Mike!!! I'm just so excited to be back here in Champaign!!!
Yeah, back in...I mean...
Your resume had no mention of ever being at Illinois.
I mean...heh, heh...I just mean it feels like this is home. I feel like I've lived here my entire life!!!
But you haven't ever lived here before, have you?
No, no, of course not!!! I've never lived in Champaign, and I was definitely not a two-time all-conference tight end here from 1981 through 1983!!! I've never done something as cool as that!!!
I'm just saying, if there was a guy who went to Illinois and was a two-time all-conference tight end and then did something really cool like recruited Vince Young or coached a Super Bowl winning team or something, man, you'd be crazy not to hire that guy as your coach!!! Good thing there's nobody around here who is like that!!!
You know, while I've got you here, Tim Beckman --
You can just call me Timmy B!!!!!
I'd really rather not. While I've got you here, sir, I was hoping you could clear up some things for me from your resume. As you know, we hired you rather quickly and didn't have much of a chance to examine your resume, and there are some things that aren't quite adding up.
For starters, you say here you have a professional record of 143-68-2 despite having only been a head coach for three years.
Just check with my references! They'll verify everything!! They're ALL IN for Timmy B!!!!
Well, we've had difficulty locating your listed refences, Tack Trown and Shike Manahan. These are men who were your supervisors at prior jobs?
Well, colleagues, really.
Yeah. Like, if our team won a game, we'd share the credit equally. They coached the team to victory and so did I!!!
Well, do you know where we might be able to find them so we can confirm what you've said you did for them?
Shike Manahan is currently coaching the Redington Washskins in the LFN. I'm pretty sure Tack Trown is still right where I left him, at the Buniversity of Bexas.
"Buniversity"? Really, Tim? You're disguising the word 'university'?
Hey, I didn't name the place.
The thirteen-man formation. The Twitter posts. The tight end stuff. The "colleagues" sharing wins with you. The Buniversity of Bexas. The ridiculous wig you've been wearing this whole time. I think I know what's going on here.
Heh heh...I...I'm ALL IN FOR ILLINI FOOTBALL!!!!!!! That's all it is!!!
No, it's not Tim. You're cl --
If it's to be it's up to me!
You're clearly Ti --
Going to visit middle school students!!! At-risk kids awesome!!!!!!! Go Illini!!!
YOU'RE TIM BREWSTER, TIM.
I'm...no I'm not! Heh heh! I...I don't even know who Tim Brewster is!
Yes you are, and I can prove it. Repeat after me, Tim:
GET YOUR CHILI HOT
GO FIGHT TRY WIN
MAPLE TREEMENDOUS GO FIGHT TRY WIN GET YOUR CHILI HOT GOPHER GOPHER GOPHER AHAHAHAAAAAH
/crumples into a ball on the floor
Well, normally, you'd be fired for cause, but nobody else is taking this job.
Can you keep that wig on for three years?
/leaves the office
At least my basketball coach is who he says he is. Isn't that right, John Groce?
Like the pine trees lining the winding road, I got a name, I got a name.
Damn it, I really need to start reading these resumes.