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Tim Beckman Tweets

Scene: In the Illinois football offices, new head coach Tim Beckman draws up a play

Tim_beckman_icon_medium So if I move this guy over here...
Tim_beckman_icon_medium /draws squiggly line
Tim_beckman_icon_medium ...and the guy with the ball runs this way...
Tim_beckman_icon_medium /draws a circle
Icondoor_medium knock knock
Tim_beckman_icon_medium ...BINGO! THAT'S A WINNER!
Icondoor_medium /creaks open
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Excuse me, Tim?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Athletic director Mike Thomas!!! What a pleasant surprise!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Yes, good to see you too, Tim. What are you up to today?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Oh, just drawing up some new offensive plays! Gotta resurrect Illini football somehow!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium /looks over play
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Well, Tim, I don't mean to step on your toes here, but I don't think that play is going to work.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Really? Why do you say that?
Mike_thomas_icon_medium For one, it looks like you just have a halfback running in small circles around your quarterback. Also, there are three players in motion at once, a forward pass attempted ten yards past the line of scrimmage, and thirteen players on the field.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Well, I'm just tryin' to shake things up!!! Get people excited!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium In fact, if I didn't know better, I would think you knew nothing at all about the basic rules and strategy of the game of football! Ha!
Tim_beckman_icon_medium That's a good joke, boss!!! Illini football fever!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium I'm not here to argue X's and O's with you, Coach. You obviously know what you're doing there. I'm here to talk about something else, though.
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Tim, we have to talk about your Twitter account.

Tim_beckman_icon_medium My Twitter account??? What's wrong with my Twitter account???!?!!?
Mike_thomas_icon_medium It's not "wrong," per se. I completely understand and support your efforts to connect with players, recruits, and fans through social media. I think it's important you have a presence on the Internet. It's just that...
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Well, it's just that you use a lot of exclamation points.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Heh, yeah, I do!!!! I'm an energetic person!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium I understand that, but there's some of these that make no sense at all.
Mike_thomas_icon_medium For instance, look at this one:


Tim_beckman_icon_medium I don't see what's wrong there!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium "We will be in Danville Wednesday" is not a sentence demanding an exclamation point. Nobody is excited about going to Danville. People who live in Danville don't use an exclamation point when describing Danville or a trip to Danville. If a hypothetical person was named Dan Ville, he would not be excited about visiting Danville.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium I guess we'll have to agree to disagree!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium What about this one from late last week:


Tim_beckman_icon_medium I don't see anything wrong there!!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Really? Well, there's "Great Illini fans very supportive" for one, which has one exclamation point and zero verbs. You also typed "u" as a replacement for the word "you" like a 12-year-old girl.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Gotta save characters! "If u wanna get some u'd better bring some!"
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Yeah, and what's with the quotes? I mean, this doesn't even make sense:


Tim_beckman_icon_medium I don't know, Mike!!! I'm just so excited to be back here in Champaign!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium ...back?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Yeah, back in...I mean...
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Your resume had no mention of ever being at Illinois.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium I mean...heh, heh...I just mean it feels like this is home. I feel like I've lived here my entire life!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium But you haven't ever lived here before, have you?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium No, no, of course not!!! I've never lived in Champaign, and I was definitely not a two-time all-conference tight end here from 1981 through 1983!!! I've never done something as cool as that!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Wait, what?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium I'm just saying, if there was a guy who went to Illinois and was a two-time all-conference tight end and then did something really cool like recruited Vince Young or coached a Super Bowl winning team or something, man, you'd be crazy not to hire that guy as your coach!!! Good thing there's nobody around here who is like that!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium ...
Mike_thomas_icon_medium You know, while I've got you here, Tim Beckman --
Tim_beckman_icon_medium You can just call me Timmy B!!!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium I'd really rather not. While I've got you here, sir, I was hoping you could clear up some things for me from your resume. As you know, we hired you rather quickly and didn't have much of a chance to examine your resume, and there are some things that aren't quite adding up.
Mike_thomas_icon_medium For starters, you say here you have a professional record of 143-68-2 despite having only been a head coach for three years.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Just check with my references! They'll verify everything!! They're ALL IN for Timmy B!!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Well, we've had difficulty locating your listed refences, Tack Trown and Shike Manahan. These are men who were your supervisors at prior jobs?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Well, colleagues, really.
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Colleagues?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Yeah. Like, if our team won a game, we'd share the credit equally. They coached the team to victory and so did I!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Well, do you know where we might be able to find them so we can confirm what you've said you did for them?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Shike Manahan is currently coaching the Redington Washskins in the LFN. I'm pretty sure Tack Trown is still right where I left him, at the Buniversity of Bexas.
Mike_thomas_icon_medium "Buniversity"? Really, Tim? You're disguising the word 'university'?
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Hey, I didn't name the place.
Mike_thomas_icon_medium The thirteen-man formation. The Twitter posts. The tight end stuff. The "colleagues" sharing wins with you. The Buniversity of Bexas. The ridiculous wig you've been wearing this whole time. I think I know what's going on here.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Heh heh...I...I'm ALL IN FOR ILLINI FOOTBALL!!!!!!! That's all it is!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium No, it's not Tim. You're cl --
Tim_beckman_icon_medium If it's to be it's up to me!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium You're clearly Ti --
Tim_beckman_icon_medium Going to visit middle school students!!! At-risk kids awesome!!!!!!! Go Illini!!!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium YOU'RE TIM BREWSTER, TIM.
Tim_beckman_icon_medium I' I'm not! Heh heh! I...I don't even know who Tim Brewster is!
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Yes you are, and I can prove it. Repeat after me, Tim:
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Chili
Tim_beckman_icon_mediumGET YOUR CHILI HOT
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Go
Tim_beckman_icon_mediumGO FIGHT TRY WIN
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Maple tree
Brewsterpowericon_medium /crumples into a ball on the floor
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Well, normally, you'd be fired for cause, but nobody else is taking this job.
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Can you keep that wig on for three years?
Brewsterpowericon_medium Deal.
Mike_thomas_icon_mediumBrewsterpowericon_medium /shake hands
Mike_thomas_icon_medium /leaves the office
Mike_thomas_icon_medium At least my basketball coach is who he says he is. Isn't that right, John Groce?
Croce_icon_medium Like the pine trees lining the winding road, I got a name, I got a name.
Mike_thomas_icon_medium Damn it, I really need to start reading these resumes.