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Pro Combat Goes B1G: Minnesota Edition

Christopher Polyblend debuts new uniforms for Minnesota that reflect the raw sexuality of Prince -- and Jerry Kill.

Horace E. Cow


[Earlier editions of the Pro Combat series can be found here: Iowa, Indiana, Michigan, Nebraska, Wisconsin]

Maroon and gold are out and the purple reign has begun: the University of Minnesota announced today that they would be undertaking a complete redesign of their uniforms. The new look will center around the style and music of Minneapolis native Prince, and will amount to a total reimagining of the Golden Gopher brand.

"Minnesota had a good run with Goldy Gopher," said Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend, "but let's face it, the 1934-36 dynasty was a long time ago. I mean, the team's last bowl win was in 2004. We at Nike figured: Let's go crazy, let's get nuts, let's look for the purple banana-- why not?"

The new uniforms feature Prince's trademark purple jacket from the album and film Purple Rain, knee-high leather platform cleats, and a lace shirt open to the navel. The design omits several traditional safety features, such as padding for the sternum and clavicle, but Polyblend believes the sacrifices are necessary in order to capture the essence of Minnesota culture.

"When one thinks of Minnesota, what comes to mind? For most people, the answer is obvious: raw, unbridled sexuality." said Polyblend. "Dance, music, sex, romance -- all of that. Just dirty, filthy, near-pornographic stuff. The kind of borderline obscene material found in so much of Prince's music."


The gloves accompanying the uniform honor head coach Jerry Kill, and can also be used to perform a terrific Señor Wences routine

In addition to the uniform changes, the team will be debuting a new logo, mascot, and slogan. The old mascot, Goldy Gopher, will no longer be used, and will be replaced by an unpronounceable glyph known simply as "The TCF Bank Symbol".


The new TCF bank symbol (top) will replace the traditional UM "M" logo and mascot, Goldy Gopher (bottom).

Also, the team slogan and cheer, "Go Gophers Go!" will be changed to "Nothing Compares 2 U M". The new slogan will be featured prominently on the waistband of the team's new suede, side-buttoned pants. Polyblend explained the reason for the change: "If Minnesota is going to break out of its football rut, it needs to start thinking in drastically different terms, and that means all the rah-rah 1930s nostalgia has to go. A new slogan is just one part of that. The new pants, new jacket, new platform boots will all work together to convince fans of two things: 1) Minnesota football is back, and 2) I Wanna Be Your Lover."

"You'll want to keep those pants out of the rain, though, because they will get spotted pretty badly by any moisture."

The final change to Minnesota tradition comes in the area of musical accompaniment. The old fight song, the "Minnesota Rouser", was written in 1909 by Floyd Hutsell as part of a competition sponsored by the Minneapolis Tribune, and includes the following charming but dated lyrics:

Minnesota, hats off to thee!
To thy colors true we shall ever be,
Firm and strong, united are we.
Rah, rah, rah, for Ski-U-Mah,
Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!
Rah for the U of M.

The new fight song, "Let's Pretend We're Married", includes the following more contemporary (but just as rousing) lyrics:

I wanna f**k U so bad it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
Ooh, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna f**k U
Yeah, I wanna, I wanna, ooh, I wanna f**k U
Look here martian, I'm not sayin' this just 2 be nasty
I sincerely wanna f**k the taste outta your mouth
Can U relate?

When presented with the plans for the new uniform, Minnesota native and biscuit fetishist Garrison Keillor promptly died when his head exploded.