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Even the Offenses Are Bigger in Texas

In the football offices of the Richard O. Jacobson Building

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Then I look at you-oo. And the world’s alright. Just one look at you-oo and I know it’s gonna be… bum… bum… bum… bum... A LOVELY DAY, LOVELY DAY, LOVELY DAY, LOVELY DAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY!!!!!!!

Iconsecretary45_medium Mr. Ferentz, James Vandenberg to see you.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Awesome. Send him in.


Happy_kirk_icon_medium Jimmy, c’mon in. Can I get you anything? Water? Red Bull? Fresca? I can get you want you want.

Vandenberg_icon_medium No, that’s fine.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Have you heard of iced coffee? Brian introduced them to me. Coffee at anytime of the day. Isn’t that wild? Now I don’t have to just make that one trip to Starbucks every morning, I can drink it whenever I want. That reminds me, I’m gonna grab another one. Want one? It’s good.

Vandenberg_icon_medium Coach, are you alright? You’ve been acting differently this spring.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium I don’t know. I just feel like I have a little more pep. I mean, I bought a new sports car, I’m trying to grow a mustache, I’m looking for ideas for a Pro Combat uniform. I mean black and yellow with a Tigerhawk is so conservative. You know what I mean.

Vandenberg_icon_medium I’m not much of a psychologist, but it sounds like you’re going through a mid-life cri—

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Hey, did you see the new Dark Knight Rises trailer? That movie is going to be off the hook. I’m thinking of camping out at the mall to get one of the first tickets. I mean Bane and Catwoman? Holy cow.

Vandenberg_icon_medium I never really took you for a comic book fan.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Well, I wasn’t and then I went over to Brian’s house and he had Batman Begins on. And he told me it was good movie, so I watched and it was. Like a modern day western. I am so hooked.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Anyway, why did you stop by? Are you challenging me to Mario Kart? Please tell me you have not challenged me to Mario Kart, because I’ve been in my office non-stop rocking out to Bill Withers and playing Mario Kart. Rainbow Road is my bitch.

Vandenberg_icon_medium No, nothing like that. It’s about one of the coaches.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Oh no. You haven’t been talking with Coach Erb have you?

Vandenberg_icon_medium No. I haven’t. Why?

Happy_kirk_icon_medium No reason. No reason at all.

Vandenberg_icon_medium It’s actually about Coach Davis.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Now I know his offense is hard to get used to. But think of all the shotgun and one-back looks and the bubble screens. My god, the bubble screens. It should be a quarterback’s dream.

Vandenberg_icon_medium The offense is fine. I have no problems with it. In fact, I think I’ll thrive. It’s Coach Davis himself. Yesterday, he stated that ‘this was going on for too long’ and today he showed up and… well… you kind of have to see it for yourself.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Ummm. OK. (Buzzing secretary) Ms. Todtz, could you send Coach Davis to my office.

Iconsecretary45_medium Yes, sir.

The Iowa quarterback and head coach sit quietly and stare at each other.

Vandenberg_icon_medium So, ummmm, tell me about your new car.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Well, it’s a 1959 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud. It’s hard to maneuver and I can’t get it to shift, but boy it is nice to look at. What kind of car do you drive?

Vandenberg_icon_medium It’s actually a truck. It’s not too fancy, but it gets me to where I nee—

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha! This is great. I don’t know if you’ve heard of El-Oh-El Cats, I think it’s pronounced Lohl or Lawl. I’m not sure. Anyway, they take pictures of cats and then put little captions on the pictures. It is so awesome I mean look at this.


Happy_kirk_icon_medium Burritokitteh!!!!! It’s *clink* the burrito *clink* that’s also *clink* a cat. I mean *clink* just look how cute that *clink* is. I’d *clink* eat you all *clink* up burrito cat. *clink*

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Miss Todtz, what is that damn noise? I’m trying to enjoy Burrito Kitteh here.

Vandenberg_icon_medium It’s him.

The door bursts open


Greg_cowboy_icon_medium Well, if it ain’t a pair of buckaroos having a pow-wow. And you don’ts invite me?

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Coach Davis. That’s an interesting get-up.

Greg_cowboy_icon_medium Darn tootin’ cow boss. I was just goin’ to stake out the chuck wagon and rustle me up some grub. Gotta look yer finest fer all the senoritas and senora. So I put on my finest spurs, chaps, shirt and hat and then I get asked to come see you boss man.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium I see. So… James what’s the problem?

Vandenberg_icon_medium Are you serious? Look at him. At practice this morning, he threw his lasso around Brandon Scherff and hog tied him.

Greg_cowboy_icon_medium I want you to tell me sonny boy, a better way to round up a stray.

Vandenberg_icon_medium I keep telling you, he wasn’t a stray. He was pulling to the outside to block.

Vandenberg_icon_medium And then when I completed a long pass to Keenan for a touchdown. He shot a pair of guns in the air.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Is this true?

Greg_cowboy_icon_medium They're called six-shooters. And maybe I shot them in the air multiple times, but how could they know it was me? After all, I have the quickest drawl in the south.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Hahahahaha. I get it, drawl. Davis, you are quick. I like that.

Greg_cowboy_icon_medium You hired a Texas man, what did you expect? I mean, all those Horn fans called me Greg the Kid.


Vandenberg_icon_medium Coach Ferentz, you have to tell him to change out of this. It’s a danger to the players —

Greg_cowboy_icon_medium What in tarnations are ya talkin about? Danger?

Vandenberg_icon_medium You know exactly what I’m talking about. Poor Ruddock.

Greg_cowboy_icon_medium In 10 years, he’s goin’ look at that brand and not think of the pain, but of all the memories.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium You branded our back-up quarterback. Well that changes things completely… because that is awesome! Up top!

The two high five

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Can you teach me how to do some tricks with the lasso? (Looks at Vandenberg) Oh and let’s tone it down a bit. You know Harty has always wanted to write about a cowboy.

Greg_cowboy_icon_medium You can try and take the Texas out of me, but it’s not going to work. Bubble screens and baked beans over an open fire forever!

Happy_kirk_icon_medium What do you want?

Greg_cowboy_icon_medium Another polo shirt.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Deal.

Vandenberg and Davis leave

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Ms. Todtz, do you know where Brian is right now?

Iconsecretary45_medium Well, he just posted something on Twitter.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium OK

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Ahhhh Cleveland my old stomping grounds. (Buzzes) Ms. Todtz what is BHGP?

Iconsecretary45_medium Some of my nieces and nephews read it, it’s an acronym for Black Heart Gold Pants. It’s an Iowa website.

Happy_kirk_icon_medium Cool. An Iowa website on the interwebs. Let’s see…


Iconferentz_medium My… god.