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Gary Barta Gets Pranked

In the backstage locker room athletic offices of Carver Hawkeye Arena

Icongatens_medium That was great and a long time coming. Seeing Billionaire Kirk getting hit with a chair over and over and over. It just gives me chills. Ain't that right, Big Sexy?

Brommer_nash_medium You know it, Gatens. We've been slaving away for four years on that basketball court and when we finally see some success, what is everybody talking about? Football, ooooh, two new coordinators! Big whoop, I made a backwards full court shot. Where's my parade?

Iconbarta_medium Easy gents. We launched the opening salvo, but this thing's far from over. They'll come back, they're too stupid to do anything else.

Icongatens_medium I heard that they might have asked Ken O'Kee-

Iconsecretary45_medium Mr. Barta, phone call for you. They said it's urgent.

Iconbarta_medium Did they tell you who it was? And for the last time, I told you to call me Hollywood.

Iconsecretary45_medium Sorry Mr. Hollywood. Anyway, he introduced himself as James Edward Delaney.

Iconbarta_medium Jim Delaney?!! Put him through right away.

Phone rings

Iconbarta_medium Hello, Hollywo... um Gary Barta's office, this is Gary.

Icondelany_medium Hello... this is... Jim Delaney, Big Ten commissioner... you know... James Edward Delaney... age 64... wife Catherine... children Newman and James Chancellor.

Iconbarta_medium Yeah. We've met before, many times in fact. You don't have to give me your life story.

Icondelany_medium Yes, yes. I'm sorry. I'm calling because I caught wind of that hiring scandal with Brian Ferentz.

Iconbarta_medium Oh there is no scandal sir. I did the hiring and thought he was the best candidate for the job.

Icondelany_medium What about his large salary? You don't see the coaches at Iowa State earn that kind of money.

Iconbarta_medium (pausing) Yes... yes. Iowa State... That's true. But unlike those idiots in Ames, our coaches tend to have a pedigree. Ferentz has been the tight ends coach for the Patriots. And as you probably know, they've had some pretty good tight ends. So we felt the need to compensate him fairly for the experience he has the next level.

Icondelany_mediumThat sounds fair, but you should really be nicer to your brethren at Iowa State, I don't want to ruin any inroads for expansion.

Iconbarta_medium ...

Iconbarta_medium ...

Iconbarta_medium ...

Iconbarta_medium HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. All the times that I've portrayed you Delaney, I knew you had a wicked sense of humor.

Icondelany_medium Portrayed me?

Iconbarta_medium Yeah, every once in a while I pretend that I am you and call up that idiot Jamie Pollard and offer Iowa State a chance to join the Big Ten and all I ask for in return is a favor.

Iconbarta_medium I mean I've gotten three cars, my own trailer, tickets to the NCAA tournament even my own line of currency known as Delaney Dimes.

Icondelany_medium WHAT?!! Do you know how many tries it took to make those stupid di- I mean how dare you pretend to be me and use my likeness to score free gifts! I am the commissioner of the Big Ten, show me some respect.

Iconbarta_medium Sorry, sir. I've overstepped my bounds.

Icondelany_medium Darn right you have. Now, let's get back to the hiring of Brian Ferentz. Are you trying to tell me that Coach Fere... (yelling off phone) Hey put that down! *crash* Alright, that's it, no playing ball in the office. I'm taking this. No, that's not fair! That's not fair! That's not fair! That's not fair! Don't throw a tantrum, you'll make a scene. Don't you have recruiting to do or something? (back on phone) Anyways, where was I? Oh year, you're telling me that Coach...

Iconbarta_medium I don't mean to cut you off, but were you just talking to your son.

Icondelany_medium ... uh... yes, yes I was. He's a character.

Iconbarta_medium I know, I've met both of your sons. Don't you think they're a little old to be playing ball inside the office?

Icondelany_medium (frantically flipping through papers) Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oooh, here we go - Newman and James, ages 23 and 20. *sigh* yeah they're a little old, but you know how college kids are.

Iconbarta_medium Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, Jim. I'm kind of having a pow wow with the mens basketball team right now. So I'll talk to you later. I'll tell you again, the Ferentz hire was perfectly legal and standard and you have nothing to worry about. Sometime we'll have to hit the golf course.

Icondelany_medium (In a panic) Wait... wait... before you go. Ummm... let's see... is your refrigerator running?

Iconbarta_medium I don't really have a refrigerator in my office, but at home, sure it's running.

Iconpollard_medium Then you better go catch it! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You idiot! April Fools!

Iconbarta_medium Ooooooooooh, you got me. I fell for it. By the way, Jamie, April Fools Day was Sunday. I've got much bigger fish to fry.

Barta hangs up

Iconpollard_medium Sunday?!


Iconpollard_medium (hits buzzer) Secretary? What day is it?


Iconronald_medium It's Wednesday sir. April 4th.


Iconpollard_medium Oh God, I was supposed to meet with the regents on Monday.


Iconpollard_medium And what is with the goddamn siren?

Iconronald_medium Coach Hoiberg tried to swallow a Delaney Dime again, but good news: it was dislodged.