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MARCHIFORNICATION 2012: BORE GAMES, Part 1

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Warroom_medium
The Hayden Fry Football Complex war room

Iconferentz_medium I don't get it.
Erik_campbell_icon_medium Sir, the monitors are showing that Notre Dame and Michigan have already launched preemptive attacks against the two skill position players in the state that are worth a damn.
Erik_campbell_icon_medium Ohio State and Penn State have locked down the Northeast corridor and are using that as a base for attacking our foothold in the mid-Atlantic.
Erik_campbell_icon_medium And we probably lost another halfback since I started this monologue.
Erik_campbell_icon_medium We need to do something drastic, sir. We need to strike back before we're obliterated.
Iconferentz_medium Greg, where's the offense?
Gerg_icon_medium As ready as a cow turd in a west Texas barnfield, Mack!
Iconferentz_medium Stand by, then, and prepare to launch the new playbook.
Philparker_icon_medium Sir! Up there! It's James! And he's got Ken O'Keefe!

Warroom_kok_medium

Erik_campbell_icon_medium I don't know what you think you can do here, Ken.
Iconokeefe_medium Soup! Good to see your wife still picks out your ties.
Erik_campbell_icon_medium You left like five weeks ago.
Erik_campbell_icon_medium What has this kid been telling you?
Iconokeefe_medium How far has he gone?
Erik_campbell_icon_medium How far has who gone?
Iconokeefe_medium The computer.
Erik_campbell_icon_medium The what?
Iconokeefe_medium It's a bluff, Soup. Call it off.
Erik_campbell_icon_medium No it's not.
Iconokeefe_medium Yes it is. This is...COACH FERENTZ, IT'S KEN O'KEEFE
Iconferentz_medium Ken, you picked one hell of a day for a visit. I've got half the damn basketball team trying to kick my ass and the rest of the Big Ten pouncing on my carcass.

Iconokeefe_medium Coach, I don't know about the basketball team, but as for the conference, what you see up here is a fantasy, a computer enhanced hallucination.
Iconferentz_medium I don't understand.
Iconokeefe_medium When I coached here, I built a playcalling machine and put it in the basement. It's disguised as a coffee machine.
Iconferentz_medium I know that machine. I made it quarterbacks coach for a while. Turned out it wanted to run the spread, so that was the end of that.
Gerg_icon_medium /throws out four-wide play scribbled on napkin
Iconokeefe_medium Well, that machine has become self-aware, and it's feeding you this information so that you will --
Iconferentz_medium Is this Twitter?
Iconokeefe_medium I beg your pardon?
Iconferentz_medium Is this the Twitter? Because I sure do hate that damn contraption.
Iconokeefe_medium No, Coach, this is not the...please, come with me.
Iconferentz_mediumErik_campbell_icon_mediumIconokeefe_medium /go to basement

Coachmachine_2_medium

Coachmachine_icon_medium whrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Iconokeefe_medium See, this is the machine, and it's trying to crack my seven-digit code so that it can launch my old playbook without coach or coordinator interference.
Coachmachine_icon_medium whrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Coachmachine_icon_medium PING
Coachmachine_icon_medium Vending_display_1230_k0k_medium
Iconokeefe_medium That's six of the letters. When it finds the seventh, it will launch the plays.
Iconferentz_medium What kind of plays are we talking about here, Ken?
Iconokeefe_medium Plays that have never been seen, Coach. The sort of plays that could...end football as we know it.
Iconferentz_medium Well, how do we stop it?
Iconokeefe_medium We can't now. It's too late.
Iconferentz_medium Can't we just unplug the damn thing?
Iconokeefe_medium There's a reason why I put it in a coffee machine. The internal heating mechanism can run it for at least four hours, five if you don't mind a delay of game penalty or two. That's more than enough time to execute the playbook.
Iconferentz_medium Well, how much time do we have before it finds the final number?
Iconokeefe_medium Two hours.

TO BE CONTINUED (probably in two hours, because
that's just a bit too on the nose, you know?)...