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MARCHIFORNICATION 2012: The Island of Dr. O'Keefe

In Florida, a ferry approaches an otherwise desolate island.



A young quarterback exits the ferry and starts across the island.



The Herky pterodactyl swoops down on Vandenberg, knocking him to the ground.


Iconokeefe_medium Did you see that?
Iconokeefe_medium Can you believe there are still people who don't think Herky could fly?

Vandenberg_icon_medium Can I have a moment of your time?
Iconokeefe_medium Are you a marine biologist? I desperately need a marine biologist.
Vandenberg_icon_medium No, I'm your former quarterback.
Iconokeefe_medium Oh.
Iconokeefe_medium Well, quarterback, you're on my land and I didn't invite you.
Vandenberg_icon_medium But you're Ken O'Keefe.
Iconokeefe_medium Listen, there's the path. Run run run. Open gate. Exit gate. Close gate. Last ferry leaves at 6:30, so you'd better hustle.
Iconokeefe_medium /walks away
Vandenberg_icon_medium Wait! Wait!
Vandenberg_icon_medium I came because of Iowa football!
Iconokeefe_medium /stops
Iconokeefe_medium /turns back


Meanwhile, in the basement of the Hayden Fry football complex...


Coachmachine_icon_medium whrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Coachmachine_icon_medium whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrbleepybloopywhirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Coachmachine_icon_medium PING
Coachmachine_icon_medium Vending_display_1230_00k_medium

Back on the island, Vandenberg and O'Keefe have retired to O'Keefe's cabin

Vandenberg_icon_medium Are you paying attention?
Iconokeefe_medium Yes. I loved the part where you nuked Ames. So fitting.
Iconokeefe_medium Come over here. I'm going to tell you a bedtime story.
Iconokeefe_medium Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent football team which dominated the league for ages.
Iconokeefe_medium They ran, they passed, they kicked and punted, until one day, very recently, they hired Rich Rodriguez.
Iconokeefe_medium Football just gave up and started over again.
Iconokeefe_medium Iowa football was nothing more than a speck of dust then, and when it's gone, football will start again.
Iconokeefe_medium Football knows when to give up, James.
Vandenberg_icon_medium I'm not giving up. If we lose Marchifornication, it will be your fault.
Iconokeefe_medium I'm not talking about Marchifornication, James.
Iconokeefe_medium I'm talking about the machine.
Vandenberg_icon_medium The machine?
Iconokeefe_medium You see, back in 2002, our offense was great, and it wasn't even that complicated. We just had Banks make a read or two and, if they weren't open, take off running.
Iconokeefe_medium It was so simple that I had Iowa researchers create a playcalling machine. The machine has been calling my plays since 2003 with magnificent predictability.
Iconokeefe_medium Last year, I nearly defected to Missouri with the machine, but I couldn't get it out of the basement of the football complex.
Iconokeefe_medium The whole purpose of the machine was to practice football without human error getting in the way.
Iconokeefe_medium The only problem was, I couldn't get the machine to learn the most important lesson.
Vandenberg_icon_medium What's that?
Iconokeefe_medium Futility. That there is a time when you should just give up and punt.
Vandenberg_icon_medium What kind of a lesson is that?
Iconokeefe_medium Did you ever play tic-tac-toe?
Vandenberg_icon_medium Sure.
Iconokeefe_medium But you don't anymore?
Vandenberg_icon_medium No. It's boring and it's always a tie.
Iconokeefe_medium EXACTLY. The game is pointless. There's never a winner.
Iconokeefe_medium Well, back in the press box, they believe you can win a football game. That there can be acceptable losses.
Vandenberg_icon_medium So you gave up? Joined the dolphins?
Iconokeefe_medium For security reasons, they graciously arranged my job in Miami.
Iconokeefe_medium It doesn't matter now, though. Now that I'm gone, the machine doesn't have the code. The secrets of the machine will be lost forever.
Vandenberg_icon_medium The code?
Iconokeefe_medium There is a seven-digit code that must be entered for it to become operational. Only I know it. Without the code, all that thing can do is make coffee.
Vandenberg_icon_medium Wait, did you say it's a coffee machine in the basement of the football complex?
Iconokeefe_medium Yes.
Vandenberg_icon_medium 1030 OOK.
Iconokeefe_medium What was that?
Vandenberg_icon_medium 1030 OOK. It was on the readout of the coffee machine that stole my dollar before I came here.
Iconokeefe_medium Good God.
Vandenberg_icon_medium What? WHAT?
Iconokeefe_medium It's become self-aware.
Iconokeefe_medium If the machine gets the code, it could be an end to the entire enterprise. Kirk Ferentz, Phil Parker, you, me...
Vandenberg_icon_medium Gary Dolphin.
Iconokeefe_medium What was that?
Vandenberg_icon_medium If Iowa football goes away, Gary Dolphin probably loses his job too.
Iconokeefe_medium Jesus. The dolphins.
Iconokeefe_medium We must get to Iowa City.