clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Black and Gold Clad Men


The Iowa Hawkeye football office waiting room

Joan_icon_medium Ahhh you must be the new girl. I'm Joan. Here, let me show you around the office... um... Peggy, right?

Peggy_icon_medium Yes, that's right. Thank you for doing this Miss Holloway.

Joan_icon_medium It's Joan. This is the main lobby where we show off all the trophies and awards we've won.

Peggy_icon_medium It's looks kind of barren right now.

Joan_icon_medium Yeah, that's kind of a sore subject. We don't like to talk about that much.

The two walk into an open area

Joan_icon_medium And this is the lounge. You'll see a lot of the players here. They're the low men on the totem pole. In fact, here are three of those losers now.


James_v_icon_medium That's harsh Joan, very harsh. You know you can't get enough of us. And aren't you going to introduce or do I have to. Hello, I'm James Vandenberg, I'm the quarterback at this establishment, you may not know, but that's very important.

Peggy_icon_medium Nice to meet you.

James_mm_icon_medium I'm James Ferentz, people here call me the center because all the information comes through me. Shows ring finger. Before you ask anything else, I'm spoken for.

Peggy_icon_medium There's no ring.

Cj_icon_medium That's because his dad is the one doing the speaking. He's grounded.

James_mm_icon_medium Hey, cmon. (Turns to Peggy) I've had some trouble with the law, but I'm on the straight and narrow now.

Cj_icon_medium Hello, I'm C.J. Fiedorowicz. Remember the name because I've got a bright future in front of me.

Peggy_icon_medium I'm sure you do. I'm Peggy Olson; I'm the new secretary.

James_v_icon_medium The bossman gets another new secretary. Well, he certainly has a type. And I'm not complaining.

James_mm_icon_medium You've got that right, I've got a feeling Miss Olson's going to fit right in here.

A door opens


Erik_campbell_icon_medium Gentlemen, do we have a problem?

Peggy_icon_medium (Whispering to Joan) Who is that?

Joan_icon_medium That is Mr. Campbell. He's a real up-and-comer. The guys around here call him "Soup".

Cj_icon_medium We were just meeting the new secretary.

Erik_campbell_icon_medium And you didn't let me know... shame on you guys. Hi, I'm Erik Campbell.

Peggy_icon_medium Nice to meet you.

Erik_campbell_icon_medium Pleasure's mine. Now if you knuckleheads will excuse me, I have a meeting with Mr. Ferentz.

Joan_icon_medium Well, that's where were headed too. Let us lead the way.

The trio walk toward a corner office and enter the room

Joan_icon_medium Mr. Ferentz, this is your new secretary Peggy Olson and Mr. Campbell is here for the meeting.


Kirk_draper_icon_medium Thank you Joan. Peggy, welcome to the Iowa football office. It's not easy for me to let go of personnel, so you know how hard it was to let go of my last secretary... Ken.

Peggy_icon_medium I'll do my best, sir.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium And that's all I can really ask.

Joan and Peggy leave

Peggy_icon_medium (as they are walking away) Why is everybody wearing suits?

Meanwhile in the meeting

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Now Mr. Davis, I spent most of last night thinking about our new offensive campaign and I think I've come up with something you'd like.


Kirk_draper_icon_medium Iowa Football: Home of the fullback dive.

Davisiowaiconsmall_medium I'm going to be honest... it looks very much like what you showed me last time.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium I disagree. Now we're handing the ball off to the fullback instead of the halfback. It's completely different.

Davisiowaiconsmall_medium I really don't know why you're fighting so hard for this after you came up with that brilliant plan last night.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium What plan?

Davisiowaiconsmall_medium The one you had Campbell tell me last night: Iowa football - four wide and a tight end. I love it, I think it's brilliant.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium (nearly choking) Four wide and a tight end.

Davisiowaiconsmall_medium That's right, I think we should roll with it.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Well, you're the coordinator.

Davisiowaiconsmall_medium Thank you gentlemen, if you need me I'll be in the pressbox.

Davis exits

Kirk_draper_icon_medium "Four wide and a tight end?"

Erik_campbell_icon_medium I told you I had ideas.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium And you were able to get it across. Congratulations, enjoy it.

Erik_campbell_icon_medium You know what it sounded like? That you got credit for my successful idea.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Hey Campbell, grab a box and put your things in it. You're out of here.

A stunned Campbell exits the office with a steaming mad Ferentz following shortly after.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Remember when I told you about Erik Campbell's last day? It's today.


Gary_sterling_icon_medium What'd he do?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium While I was busting my hump trying to think of a fullback dive, he was out giving Greg Davis his pass-happy ideas.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium That little snot.

The duo walks out of Barta's office and heads to the other side of the building, arriving at a lavish office. Ferentz and Barta make sure to take off your shoes before they enter.


Haydencooper_icon_medium I heard about Campbell, what happened?

Gary_sterling_icon_medium He was giving out football ideas, outside of the office and outside of command.

Haydencooper_icon_medium That seems like dedication to me.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium There are rules, you know that. He broke them, he's gone.

Haydencooper_icon_medium Do you gentlemen know anything about Campbell?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Only that he loves to throw the ball. And he's young and he's brash.

Haydencooper_icon_medium Campbell used to work at Michigan. You know them right, the Wolverines? Well they used to have a rich history before losing it all in the Rich Rodriguez crash. Anyway, he's part of a tradition, he part of the elite. And I don't want college football coaches and writers to hear about how Iowa was unfair to a little ol' Michigan man.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium So he's more valuable to the program than me.

Haydencooper_icon_medium That's not what I'm saying at all. It's like I always say: "We'll take what the other team gives us; we'll scratch where it itches."

Gary_sterling_icon_medium Ummmmm... I guess.

Haydencooper_icon_medium "If you stay with this game long enough, the worm is about to turn."

Kirk_draper_icon_medium That has literally nothing to do with our problem.

Haydencooper_icon_medium Just get the hell out of my office. And Barta, wear some goddamn OdorEaters next time.

The duo returns to Campbell's office where the assistant coach sullenly lays on his couch.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium Campbell. What you did is disgraceful, tasteless and totally against the rules. You want to mess with the system put forth by Gary Mutherfuckin' Barta? Go ahead, but you will be burned; I promise you that. Now I wanted you gone, Fry wanted you gone, but Ferentz here spoke up and saved your ass. So you respect this man and his rules or so help me God I will rain down on you will my full fury.

Erik_campbell_icon_medium I'm so sorry, I'll do anything for you.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium Jesus, Campbell don't say that.

The two leave and retreat to Ferentz's office as night falls.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Sometimes I wonder why we do this. And then I pour myself a glass of scotch and watch highlights of 6-4 and I'm ready to go again.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium I think alcohol is one of the main reasons, college football is still going. I know it keeps me going, well that and one other thing.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Ahh not tonight Gary, it's been way too long of a day.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium Gary_sterling_bigger_medium

Iconphone45_medium Hello?... Yes, I am very interested in holding a debate between Nixon and Kennedy on Iowa State's campus. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey, wait a minute.