When we left the action in part 1, Ken O'Keefe had leaped off a bell tower into the Miami Dolphin team jet, a fact that lost on Coach Kirk Ferentz, who was incapacitated by Bell Tower Dizziness Syndrome at the time. We resume our plot two weeks later, in the Ferentz family living room.
Why did Ken do it? I could have saved him, if it weren't for that damned BTDS. Oh the guilt! The guilt! How will I ever replace him? [picks up remote] Maybe this ESPN Classic marathon will take my mind off of things.
The 2009 Texas-Oklahoma game comes on the screen.
Those jowls! That play-calling! It's the spitting image of my Kenny boy! Let's fire up the ol' internet and see what I can find. [Opens Netscape Navigator] Let's see... Greg Davis, 60 years old, predictable, obsessed with execution, keeps to himself, has a penchant for a perennially unsuccessful play. But what do the fans say?
They absolutely hate him! By my everything-on-the-internet-is-wrong-and-evil theorem, he must be the best offensive coordinator in the land! Think of the possibilities! It would be like Ken had never left... <yawn> had never left... had never left... [Ferentz drifts off to sleep and proceeds to have the following freaky dream]
I'm back on that ledge. Ken -- No!
Ferentz wakes up with a start
Oh, it was all a freaky dream. But that gives me an idea.
A few phone calls later.
Greg, thanks so much for coming aboard with us.
No problem, Kirk. I'm really excited to have another opportunity. There's a play I think you'll go just bonkers over. It's called the wide receiver scree--
There will be time to talk about that later. First, we need to make a few changes in wardrobe.
Wardrobe?
Yeah, it's no biggie. Everyone has to look a certain way here at Iowa. Understated, classy, affordable: that's the J.C. Penny's -- I mean -- Iowa look.
Well, I'll make sure to get out to the store as soon as I can. Now, about the running game.
These are your size, aren't they? [Pulls out a pair of khakis and a black shirt]
Umm... yes, they are. But how did you know...
Put them on.
Here? Jeez, I don't know. Mack never made me...
That contract can still be torn up, Greg.
Well, okay. [Davis changes into new clothes]. Is this better?
Yes, but something is still wrong... Lose the glasses.
Lose the glasses? But I need those to see! I'm extremely near-sighted. Without these glasses I won't be able to read the defense and call the appropriate play.
The defense is irrelevant. Execution is all. I thought you knew that. Lose the glasses.
Well, tarnation. Okay. [removes glasses] There, can we talk about football now?
Something is still not quite right. Ken -- I mean the Iowa offensive coordinator -- has darker hair too. It needs to be dark to ... umm... coordinate with the shirt. Here, I've got some shoe polish.
I'm pretty sure this is illegal.
And you could stand to lose 50 pounds. Here, get on this treadmill.
No way! I'm an old man!
But you've got the lustrous hair of a 30-year old.
I'm out of here.
[pulls out revolver] Get. On. The. Treadmill.
This is definitely illegal.
36 hours later
Alright, you can take the gauze off, Greg. I don't know why I made you put it on the first place, actually. More dramatic that way, I suppose. A quick brush through the hair and some brylcreem and ... voila!
Oh, Ken, it's like you never left!
My name is Greg. You know, this is getting a little weird. I'm afraid I'll have to...
<Brrng> <Brrng>
Hold that thought. Yes, who is it?
Kirk, it's me, Ken O'Keefe!
But... what... how... who... why... where?
Yeah, I know I pulled a little trick on you back at the bell tower, but I can explain. You never let me take part in all your fun prank phone calls, Kirk. That was hurtful... very hurtful. So I thought I'd try one of my own. Did I fool you?
Umm... well, I've got Greg Davis here dressed up as your exact double, so I would say, yeah, you ... almost had me there.
Maybe next time. I'm coaching with the Dolphins now, Kirk. It's been in all the papers.
I'm operating on the theory that the everything in the media is wrong and evil -- must have missed it. That's great, Ken. Now my freaky dream makes a lot more sense. Except for the part with Grandma Ferentz and the Cyclone mascot... and the part with the blind singer from Road House.
Kirk, can I be serious for a second?
Sure thing, Kenny.
Give Greg Davis a break. Don't make him be my replica, don't make him fit into a rigid notion of what Iowa football has to be. Let him be himself, let him experiment, let him grow.
...
I encourage you to adopt the Japanese business philosophy of kaizen, or continuous improvement. The Japanese think that if you make every member of your staff an active participant in the process of continually improving the productivity and creativity of the workplace, the entire organization will benefit. Be like the willow, Kirk: strong, but flexible.
That is surprisingly deep, Ken O'Keefe.
Well, just think about it.
Alright, Ken. I will. Now don't let those cougars get you. You're quite the catch now, Mr. NFL Coach.
Oh, no, there aren't cougars down here. It's more of an alligator and jaguar state as I understand it. And I've taken precautions -- Dan Marino gave me his spear-gun!
That's my Ken. Vaya con dios, Ken O'Keefe.
Buy-a-condos to you too, Kirk. [hangs up]
Well, Greg, I guess I owe you an apology. I lost my head there for a second. You can take that stuff off ... and regain all that weight. Oh, and sorry about the gun.
That's alright, Kirk. And I'll get adjusted to Iowa, just give me some time.
Yeah, a good friend told me I should do just that.
Say, Kirk, maybe it was the extreme exhaustion and the shoe polish fumes, but I think I just had a great idea.
I'm listening.
Before the season, let's go on a team-building trip somewhere special.
That's the stupidest id-- wait, you know what, Greg? I value your input and am listening to your concerns. Where did you have in mind?
It's this quaint little mission in Texas. It's got the highest bell tower in the state...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! It's all happening again!
FIN
...
or is it?