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From Ace to Woody: The BHGP Treasury Vol. II (M-Z)


Welcome to Volume II of the BHGP Treasury. An explanation on the what, why and how is included in Volume I. Let's dig on.

--- M ---

Man-cott - The Outback Bowl had the audacity to pass over 6-6 Iowa for 9-3 Wisconsin, so we did the only logical thing; and how dare you not offer a free gift card; probably kept Iowa out of the top-25 too; the Man-cott ended in 2008 when Iowa accepted a bid to the Outback Bowl to murder the Gamecocks; returned in 2009 when American patriot Ricky Stanzi was not listed on the Davey O'Brien watchlist.


Remember, they haven't had us back since 2008

Marc Morehouse - Cedar Rapids Gazette sportswriter and friend of the pants; has his own head icon for God's sake.

Marchifornication - The one true tournament in March and the only one the Hawks have been involved in the last six years; are you ready?

Marcus Coker - Former Iowa running back; slotted fourth in the opening werewolf power rankings; totally stiff-armed an asteroid; took a day off; was suspended, but not for trading memorabilia for tatttoos, get it right.

Mark Dantonio - Michigan State head coach and master disciplinarian; yep.

Marvin McNutt - At one time was a quarterback, instead turned into the best Iowa receiver of all-time. Still does most of his work with one-hand though.

Matt Gatens - The Iowa basketball version of Ladell Betts; skipped over captaincy by Lickliter; hears voices in his head; was screwed over in Marchifornication by Montreal Screwjob; should have went way old school; shooting with a glowing ball right now.

Maygasm - Eric May brings you to the peak with his athletic play, just don't let the other 38 minutes make you go limp.

Memes - Nobody deserves them more than Iowa State

Metrodome - The only good thing about the Gopher's former home is the extra wide bathroom stalls.

Michigan girl - "What is happening?!!!"


Thank god for the arrow

Mika'il McCall - Disobeyed the one rule of Kirk Ferentz - do not go on BHGP; it's pretty much strait bullshit.

Mike Hlas - Cedar Rapids Gazette sports columnist and another friend of the pants; a pretty hlilarious, hlonest, hlomer (and I'm sure he's never seen this sort of joke before).

Mike Tyson - The personification of Iowa football in 2010

Money - Kind of went to our heads.

Move Your Feet - Junior Senior's masterpiece; reserved for the best of times

Mr. Optimistic vs. Mr. Pessimistic - Or every single conversation on a game thread ever.

--- N ---

NCAA Football 2009 - Maybe too realistic

Nikolai, the Russian Booze Monkey - Candidate for the Iowa head basketball coach position.

Niko - Iowa City nightlife correspondent

Nile Kinnick - A legend; the true Iron Man; also possibly a zombie.


It's no use... he's an Ironman

NITwestern Fan - Picked the quietest place on campus to do his reading.

Norm Parker - Longtime Iowa defensive coordinator; believed to be winding down... in 2007; once married a steak... it did not last; answers more mail; talks to the Iowa basketball team; helped pick Fran McCaffery; helped Ken O'Keefe build a gameplan; became half machine; went down to Mexico with Ken O'Keefe; rode into a much deserved sunset .

Notre Dame - Finally got its comeuppance by Iowa

--- O ---

Obamicon - The Obama campaign used it to convey hope, the Big Ten network used it to suck and the BHGP community used it to make fun of everyone; essentially created the Inconsolable meme.

OhioHawk - Only comments in the most pleasant of prose; Chairman of the Board.

OopsPowSurprise - See Adam Jacobi.

The Oregon Trail - Iowa traversed it and proceeded to lose Devon Archie to dysentery.

Our Most Hated Rival -There's only one - the Purdue Boilermakers­­­­­­


Yes sir.

--- P ---

Paki O'Meara - Our favorite Indian-Irish walk-on halfback; got jealous of Ricky Stanzi, so he stole his face in some kind of Face-Off procedure (I think); then did the same with Adrian Clayborn; can flatten an entire town with one carry; rap starting career lasted one half; dressed up as Captain America Herky.



Parking garage arm - Constantly in danger around drunk Iowa players.

Pat Fitzgerald - Northwestern head coach and secret evil wizard, used a potato to injure Stanzi and end Iowa's perfect season; then proceeded to kill the potato; likes to chew ass... literally; had his heart ripped out by Justin Bieber.

Pat Harty - Iowa football muckraker; always ready to throw a Harty Party; Dan Doering hatchet man; might have wanted Iowa to lose; caution: loud noises might result in an avalanche

Patrick Duffy Leg - The only reasonable thing about Charlie Weis' tenure at Notre Dame.

Patrick Vint - See HawkeyeState.

Paul Rhoads - Proud Iowa State coach; does not like mooses or mascots of any kind; enjoyed his time in the Big Apple.

Pelican Whore - The brainchild of the Black Heart Gold Pants community; yeah we're messed up.


The Pelican Whore was eventually killed by Craig James

Personal Ads for the Iowa State Cyclones - Even Dr. Cuddlekins, Captain Party Balls, Freak Nasty, Deepthroat Jones and Shaft Dicksteel need love, they just need to pay.

Phar-Bo - Badger-faced ruler of the Wisconsin basketball kindgom; would not let his Uthoff go; so paid the price.

Pick Six - The purveyors of Black Heart Gold Pants bet on six games; home of HFMR's self-loathing.

PlannedSickDays - Master of It's Not Plagarism If You Link to It.

Pro Combat Uniforms - Iowa got them and they are sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet; so naturally Indiana followed suit.

The Program - DJK needs to get with it; pretty good James Caan film about college football.

Pube check - Never, and I mean never, flake out on paying during competitions with friends and then expect a normal gift when you win.

Purple - Gross.

--- R ---

Rafael Eubanks - Iowa center; perfect conglomeration of band frontman and mutant ninja turtle.


"Hahahahahahahahaha that's hilarious Kirk!"

The Repo Man - "Now entering the ring, weighing 250 pounds from Ames, Iowa... THE REPOOOOO MAN"

Rhabdo - Short for rhabdomyolysis, a condition which befell a number of Hawkeyes during particularly strenuous off-season workout; was not Iowa's first training mishap; you're not going to believe this, but... P.R. disaster!; at least it introduced us to concerned parent/badass Biff Poggi.

Rich Rodriguez - We miss you, you paper shredding, Haiku spouting, Josh Groban loving, player slaving, used cars salesman coach you.

Richard Pryor - Legendary comedian; accidentally showed up on the ESPN College Gameday set.

Ricky Stanzi - Iowa's starting quarterback 2008-10 loves America; like really, really loves it; is mere months away from being vice president-elect; teamed with Adrian Clayborn and Ace to save Girls Generation; foiled Paki with ol' Stanziball; almost died; is the most interesting man in the world; loves Twilight, but in a macho American way; has some strange dreams; has gotta get down on Friday; finally earned a chance at revenge against Paki O'Meara; buried by a Hartylanche; survived and killed Osama Bin Laden for good measure; hates hippies.

Riley Reiff - Future NFL tackle; thinks the gyros at the Pita Pit are too messy to eat while wearing a shirt, so remedied it; has Klug-like arms.

Rock bottom - Fans who talk about this past craptacular football season need to remember 2007 and those fans remembering 2007 need to shut the f-k up; The Rock's finishing move.

Ro-Tel - The Big Ten's go-to Tex-Mex specialty; Jacobi would bathe in it.

Ron Zook - Former Illinois coach; regularly converses with JebusHChrist on AIM; sent Jacobi some spam; might have went to stalk Jebus; promised to get fired in 2007 but failed and went to the Rose Bowl instead; poached Iowa recruits; bragged about being named Liberty Mutual Coach of the Year; has trouble with the Twitterz; met Tim Brewster, somehow universe did not fold in on itself; brainwashed J Leman to do dirty work; was shot by his secretary; cannot escape the looming dark cloud/reporter.



Ron Zook's secretary - Sexually harassed; but was empowered by Joe Paterno's secretary and shot Zook in the back.

RossWB - Started off as wrestling correspondent and has worked his way to CEO, not bad.

Royal Rumble - The WWE's pay per view in January, we liveblog it; not real enough wrestling for some people (check out comments)

Royce Bonenberger - Rogue bartender.

--- S ---

Secretary - A saint; real name: well, we don't know; derailed Ron Zook in the awesomemest way ever.

Señor Day - Might have accidentally caused Iowa to lose to Michigan State by eleventy billion.

Seth Davis - Sports Illustrated columnist; believes [coach redacted] got the Hawks to that next level; RossWB cares to disagree.

Seth Gorney - Iowa center; X-factor; fan of the Marines.

Seven Got Six - And thus begins the legend of Marvin McNutt.

Sexy Cop - Is sexy and is a cop, what more do you want; was revealed as a Russian spy.

Shaun Prater - Recent Iowa and future NFL cornerback ; has a twin brother; was the victim of a spiked drink by a rogue bartender; ran over Ken O'Keefe and a toilet;

Shonn Greene - Owner of the best single season of any Iowa running back ever, sorry Paki; would appreciate it if you put on a shirt down in Florida; won the 2008 running back debate; made Wisconsin his bitch; made the word Duong into a verb.

The Short List - Vint breaks down the candidates for Iowa's coaching openings; expect the next one in 2032.

Sitting Pretty - Landed an exclusive interview with Fran McCaffery.

Skynet - Mankind's greatest danger in the future; decided Marvin McNutt was John Conner.

*Slide Whistle Noise* - Leave sports reporting to the professionals Vint; we've got sound effects and everything; we do think AIRBHG is a pretty cool idea though.

Smelley Cock - South Carolina quarterback Chris Smelley; what does he smell like - lawn clippings; carrot cake; Patrick Ewing; an old bonfire; pesto; Cedar Rapids; work coffee; McDonald's BBQ sauce or a band-aid; Gheorghe Muresan; Grandma; Fromunda cheese; Grandpa Murray; failure; Nirvana and pine tar & chewing tobacco.


The tallest of all smells

So you've drafted - The instruction manual for all Iowa draftees and free agent signings.

Solon Beef Days - Might have derailed the 2006 football season.

State Pride uniforms - Over Ferentz's dead body, but we have ideas just in case.

Statistical In-Ferentz - Our resident mathemagician Horace E. Cow brings the knowledge about Iowa football.

Steele Jantz - So just who is Steele Jantz? Probably not the Iowa State quarterback who played the game of his life against Iowa that's for sure.

StoopsMyAss - The smartest man alive.

--- T ---

The Takeaway - Adam Jacobi provides the best damn recap of the Iowa football team's last game.

Tears - Mmmmmmmmmmm... they taste so good.

Terry Hoeppner - Former Indiana coach that died tragically of brain cancer; did not stop him from destroying the 2007 Iowa football season.

Tim Brewster - Legendary Minnesota head coach; only talks in ALL CAPS and exclamation points; gave an interview with Vint; in a gift that kept on giving, started a Twitter account; dictates his tweets; does not remember 55-0; considers himself a veteran and *snicker* successful coach; cannot stop lying; nearly did the unthinkable; was acquitted of murder thanks to Terrelle Pryor; recruited against Ron Zook in a battle of exclamation points and text shorthand; was fired; tried to crash the Big Ten media day.

Tim Lickliter - Todd's evil twin; sabotaged Iowa in loss to Wisconsin.

Tiny Alvis - Iowa's huuuuuuuuuuuuuge defensive end.


Who really thinks they can take on Tiny and the Beast?

Todd Lickliter - Offense-averse former Iowa basketball coach; neat freak; big believer in the Butler Way; delivers one hell of a pregame speech; commiserated with Greg McDermott; fired (but a lifetime contract would have been way funnier); brained Barta, but became a victim of Franshoe Hammaker; might be Iowa's only Heisman Trophy winner; really, really needed a mustache and sombrero.

Tom Brands - Intensity in its purest form; not even dress shirts are safe.

Top 10 Reasons... - StoopsMyAss makes sure you realize that Iowa's chances are slim to none; in other words - were fucked.

Touchdowns for Kids - Hands down, the best thing this site has produced.

Tyger Kuntz - Die-hard, hoola-hooping Iowa fan; the name RossWB uses to check into hotels.

Tyler Motherfucking Sash - Spent time at Iowa destroying quarterback's (and this Michigan State fan's) psyche; now in retro form; and for those who don't believe in cussing.


Now goes by Tyler "Super Bowl Champion" Sash

--- U ---

The Ultimate Warrior - From parts unknown; won the main event at Wrestlemania VI; amateur wrestling expert.

--- W ---

Warren Holloway - Always has a spot in HFMR's den.

We Must Break You - Whatever the Iowa wrestling team hits, it destroys

Welcome Nebraska - We're nothing if not good hosts; OK, maybe not

____________: Where Amazing Happens - NBA ad campaign given a redesign for Iowa basketball; Michigan

Woody Orne - Iowa lineman and eventual tight end; is a giant; should have seen more time in the Insight Bowl.


Moments later he battled Casey McMillan

The Wreck of the Pat Fitzgerald - Eat your Canadian heart out, Gordon Lightfoot.