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From Ace to Woody: The BHGP Treasury Vol. I (A-L)


There is no doubt that Black Heart Gold Pants has been and currently is a steadily growing community for Iowa fans. And just like with most burgeoning communities, a culture is beginning to form: one filled with new vocabulary, folklore and traditions. Of course, new cultures can be confusing and occasionally off-putting for newcomers. That's where I come in, over the past five years (give or take), I have been poring over the archives in an attempt to create a comprehensive guide to the BHGP culture. That guide has finally arrived, newcomers can use this guide to answer questions that have probably already arisen in your short time here (Why am I being asked to Move My Feet? Why does RossWB keep quoting the same line from Rocky IV?), while veterans can use this guide to fondly take a look back (remember when Casey McMillan threw his point guard into orbit or Joe Tiller expressed his undying love for Cream Cheese?). It's all here and if there is something I missed, make sure to let me know in the comments. Enjoy. Wow, this is probably the longest serious piece I've ever writt- *fart* Annnnnnnnnnnd it's ruined.

--- Numerals ---

6-4 - Fuck you safety? Fuck you safety.

The 7-5 Club - Tried to help Rich Rodriguez.

36 Super Black and Gold Hits - The Iowa coaching staff's Grammy-award winning album.

43-36 - The high point of Lickliter's time at Iowa, yep a win with 43 points.


80-17 - WhatIfSports predicts the rout of all routs for the Orange Bowl; Kirk retorts with a snort.

17-16 - The Hawkeyes blow out Northern Iowa in almost embarrasing proportions.

1408 - They really need to tear this locker out.

2008 Big Ten Quarterbacks - Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy needs just one word to describe them.

2009 regular season - Preserved for all eternity by Iowa players' diaries.

--- A ---

A.J. Derby - Decided to open a bus window... evidently with his face; is gone baby gone.

Ace - Adrian Clayborn's beloved pooch, publicist; joined forces with Adrian to take down Pakistanzi

Acie Earl - The new Han Solo.

Adam Jacobi - See OopsPowSurprise.

Adam Shada - Much maligned Iowa cornerback; James Hardy's cape; was booed on Senior Day, one of the most classless acts perpetrated by Iowa fans (I was there and it's still more embarassing than the Western Michigan loss that followed).

Adrian Clayborn - beloved Iowa defensive end; met his biggest nemesis.

Afghanistan - For one sweet moment, it was ours.



AIRBHG - The Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God; was present long before we even knew its name; sat down with our own RossWB; melted down when the Hawkeyes were shortly without running backs; but came back with a vengeance; don't read if squirmish.

Albert Young - One of the loan bright spots in the 2007 season; deserved better.

Alcoholic Daddy - Please do not make the 2007 season hit us again. Please.

Andre Woolridge - Passed over for an assistant coaching position by Fran, but not passed over in our hearts.

Andrew Brommer - Iowa center, picks up fouls at a Worelyan rate; bobblehead might be a relic of evil; got hammered.

Andy Brodell - Iowa wide receiver who destroyed both Texas (in the Alamo Bowl) and Iowa fans' psyche (with his drops and inconsistency; might have had cloven hooves for hands; had leg burst into flames against Wisconsin.

Angry Iowa fan - Angry.

Anthony Morelli - The punchline of many Penn State quarterback jokes, of course he destroyed Iowa in 2007.

Anthony Tucker - Burst onto the scene early in his freshman year; then this happened, and this, and this and finally this; might have been driven insane by the Overlook Hotel.


Anthony Tucker enjoys a night out on the town

Anthony Wyoming - Iowa's greatest football player entirely made up of cocaine.

Are You There Cyclone Fan, It's Me Jebus - Puts Judy Blume to shame; JebusHChrist woos a Cyclone mom and destroys all innocence in one night of carnal passion; Hawkeyes lose a day later 15-13.

Are You There Cyclone Fan, It's Me Again - Not to be outdone, Jebus piles dirt on the grave with hate so potent, it's illegal in 38 states; Hawkeyes lose 44-41.

Arkansas State - Fell to Iowa in one of the biggest upsets of all time.

Ashton Kutcher - Stay away from the young impressionable minds of high school basketball players.

Ask a Drive-By Truckers Character - Characters from Drive-By Truckers songs answer reader mail; better than Dear Abby.

Assume the Position - A breakdown of the Iowa football team piece by piece; perhaps a double entendre

A Winner Is You - An apt title for the Iowa wrestling preview; Nintendo you have done it again.

--- B ---

Bark Twain - Great movie idea? Or greatest movie idea?

Basketball World Order - They're taking over.

Batshit Insanity - It's got its own section for Christsake.

Beanie Babies - One of the 1990s biggest toy craze; Rob Bruggeman has them.

Bellanca - The most interesting man in the world; 2008 Marchifornication nominee.

BHGP Bingo - The game for all ages; four corners do not apply.


Fun fact: you would have gotten a blackout during the Minnesota game

Big Ten Blogger Roundtable - An opportunity to rankle are fellow Big Ten brethren and occasionally wallow in pity.

Big Ten Expansion - We broke the news; then decided to play around with the divisions.

Birk Berentz - Shadowy figure intent on bringing down Iowa football; somehow embraces technology; is really Ken O'Keefe.

Bitchmade - The 2009 Iowa defense did not make life easy for opposing quarterbacks; just ask Austin Arnaud, Matt Scott, Daryll Clark, Tate Forcier, Scott Tolzien and Josh Nesbitt.

Black Heart Gold Pants: The Movie - HFMR's labor of love; a real tear-jerker.

Black Heart Gold Podcast - A podcast; ehhhh that wasn't very good... play me off keyboard cat.

BlogpLOL - Mr. Vint ranks the teams in the top-25 and does it with a resume system that drives everyone else crazy.

Bob Bruce - Entertainment College football expert; interviewed Ron Zook; interviewed our webmistress Whitney; talked with Ed Helms... sort of.

Bobert Zook - Ron Zook's older brother; he's older because he has a goatee; provided updates from Big Ten football media day; was shot by J Leman; death cannot hold Bob down; he was back again in 2011; has some nice gams; became friends with Bo Pelini.

Boog - Former Iowa recruit.

Boomstine - After waiting four years, Jordan Bernstein finally has a chance to explode.

Bored high school student - Black Heart Gold Pants' go-to author for important pieces; like a team preview or a preview of the Insight Bowl.

Brad Banks - 2002 Iowa quarterback and Heisman runner-up; the target of numerous man-crushes.

Brad Rogers - The only Cambus that does not smell like vomit.


Unfortunately, does have to stop at all railroad crossings

Bradley Morris - Douchebag.

Brandon Wegher - Burst onto the scene as a freshman; then might have knocked up Kirk Ferentz's sister's daughter's best friend; never played another game.

Brennan Cougill - "The Dessert Fox"; master of the pick-and-popsicle; darling of the Sioux City Journal; set for 30 minutes in Fran’s fast-paced offense; decided 0 minutes was better.

Brent Metcalf - Two-time NCAA National Champion, all-time bad ass; wants his match at Wrestlemania; does not enjoy showboating; *wanking motion*, had chance at revenge on an aircraft carrier; got distracted before the World Championships.

Brett Greenwood - The poster boy for player development at Iowa; went from here to here; epic.


Get better Brett

Burch - Black Bear Gold Pants

--- C ---

Calvinball - Because basketball is for chumps.

Card stunts - Iowa does it patriotic.

Caring - It's creepy; just ask Chris Hansen.

Casey McMillan - The abominable lineman of Montana; enemy of small defensive backs; friend of the Wing-T; once threw his point guard into orbit during a fit of rage; later revealed that it was a Northwestern lineman McMillan threw; has rightfully proud parents.


Check out Casey in "The Avengers" this Summer!

Centaurs - There's always a possibility that Iowa recruited one; just ask Tanner Miller.

Charlie Weis - Former Notre Dame and current Kansas coach; gangster.

City Boyz Inc. - A money making empire and yet still not a Fortune 500 company; gone far too soon; make sure to spell that name right too.

Clint Huntrods - Before there was Riley Reiff's naked rampage, there was Clint Huntrods, who was caught urinating on the sidewalks and then decided to elude the police. No mention of a zip up first.

Close Shave America, Close Shave Barbasol - God bless you, Barbasol; and your late night pancakes.

[Coach Redacted] - Was at one time, [position redacted] at [location redacted]; was offerered the Purdue job... sort of

Coach Vending Machine - Kind of a hard ass; became self-aware and began to reel off the Iowa offense.


Run a lap

Cornshoe Hammaker - The one-man cannon; Civil War-era Southern, Northern sympathizer, blew up Charlie Weis Godfather-style; has a twin brother; was killed by the Trololololol guy; physical embodiment has had picture taken with J Leman, might be Elvis.

Cy-Hawk Trophy - Ugly, ugly, ugly trophy; somehow replaced with something even uglier; probably should have went with one of Horace E. Cow's many ideas; they were good, not always practical, but good; honest.

--- D ---

Dallas Clark - Walk-on linebacker turned all-world tight end; has some acting chops and some TV options;

Dan Bohall - Sioux City native and Iowa basketball player that tried to top Huntrods by passing out on the floor of a bathroom stall in a dorm he did not live in.

Dan Gable's statue - We had ideas.

Dan Nicholson - Who? Why none other than the Northern Illinois quarterback who did not like getting beat up by the Iowa defensive line way back in 2007.

Daniel Murray -

Need I say more?

David Palmer - The living embodiment of Todd Lickliter's basketball bi-polar disorder; burst onto the scene with 40 points in two games; was never heard from again; assassinated.

Demarlo Belcher - Indiana receiver is not quite over his drop against Iowa.

Denard Robinson - Michigan quarterback; had trouble escaping Inky, Pinky, Blinky and the rest of the Iowa defense.

Derrell Johnson-Koulianos: Outspoken Iowa receiver; muzzled by Kirk Ferentz.

Dinosaur Racecars - Exactly how it sounds; would double NASCAR's rating.


Juan Pablo Montoya eat your heart out

dmbmeg - Made it to finals of first Marchifornication; is not Vicki Lawrence, maybe.

Dominique Douglas - Ring leader of City Boyz Inc.; hat enthusiast; owner of the Air Bud Trilogy; destroyed a Geico ad campaign; then became a Geico spokesman.

Drake - Our Bulldog brothers to the west; we will show no mercy to their 1922 team in the Throwback Game.

Dumpster Fire - Otherwise known as Iowa's play late in the 2011 season.

Duquesne - We'll get our revenge someday.

--- E ---

Ed Podolak - Former Iowa running back and current color analyst on the radio; forced to retire for appearing in pictures drunk (Larry Eustachy nods sadly), but the Galloping Polishman got clean and came back; was then hit by a car because sure why not; got better anyway because he's Ed Podolak damnit.

--- F ---

FedEx Orange Bowl - The Hawks won it; how? Let HFMR count the reasons.

Floridaback - What De'Andre Johnson is; I know what you're thinking, ‘but he's a running back'; shut your damn mouth.

FOTP - Shorthand for "Friend of the Pants"; buy a shirt damnit.

The Four Horsemen of Kirk Ferentz - Ensured that Iowa stays a football school for at least one more year.

Fran-Graphs - Fran McCaffery proves to be a constant model for statistical knowledge from Horace E. Cow.

Fran McCaffery - Iowa head basketball coach; blasted into orbit; got some advice from a recruiting expert; has no qualms with recruiting luchadors; thought he had the final piece to his Voltron; went on a wine-tasting trip with Gary Barta.


We have lift-off

Frandemonium - Just one of hundreds of Fran McCaffery puns that our community was able to think of.

Fred Hoiberg - Current Iowa State head basketball coach; "Coach Baby"; set up a heist.

Free Admission - It's not the only thing the Iowa sports department has tried for basketball.

Free Vandy - Ken O'Keefe releases his quarterback just in time to beat Louisiana-Monroe; needed a Michael Jackson song over the credits though.

Freedom Squad - Keepers of freedom led by J Leman and Ricky Stanzi with Adrian Clayborn and Ace as key agents; got attacked by Minnesota; got some new members.

FTW! - Vint offers a viewing and betting guide to the Big Ten.

--- G ---

Gary Barta - Current Iowa athletic director; sealed the deal with Joe Pa's secretary; do not fuck with Bloodpunch; found out about the Director's Cup; thinks you better attend the football games if you knew what was good for you; sent a letter imploring fan safety against Purdue; demanded an apology from WHO; knew about the death threats for Tyler Smith; forgave Kirk for 7-5 in 2010; found a time capsule; lived a dream and burst the bubble.

George Wine - Former Iowa sports information director; needed to explain his top-25.

Girls' Generation - Maybe the most famous of Iowa's South Korean female music group fans.

Gone Baby Gone - Academy Award-nominated film directed by Ben Affleck; also one of our most used tags; both equally depressing.

Guy Rucker - Your NBA career belongs to us.

--- H ---

Hamsterdam - Free zone set up by Major Bunny Colvin; current home to the community's balderdash.

Hate Week - Reserved for one team and one team only, the Goofers.


Give me back my damn pig.

Hawkeye Action Comics #1- Better than anything Frank Miller has put out recently.

HawkeyeState - See Patrick Vint.

Hayden Fry - The man... that's all.

HaydenFryMustacheRide - Puts the insane in insanity (wait, that doesn't work); is/was roommates with Ken O'Keefe; together the two have laughed at Garbage Pail Kids; made a tribute video of their friendship; and helped Ken with the playbook for Ohio State in 2009; is always the classiest participant in a marathon; dreams in stick figure; spied on Northwestern's practices.

Hayseed Earl - Currently is fourth in the B1G Ten in blocks.

Here's the Thing - Vint gets down to the heart of the matter; and other Don Henley songs.

Herky - Beloved Iowa mascot; quarantined due to bird scare; loves America.

Hitchens - That's Anthony Hitchens, not Christopher Hitchens or Hitch.

Hockey Bear - Destroyer of worlds; caused the volcanic eruptions in Iceland.

Hokemania - It's runnin' wild, brother.

Horace E. Cow - Knows how to use math; might be able to move things with his brain.

Hot blonde from Google Image Search: J Leman's woman; likes to lay in bed.

--- I ---

Iowa fans - They can be an odd lot, just ask Horace E. Cow; or Stephen Bloom.

Iowa Ladies' Football Academy - You want to be part of the Hawkeye program, you have to go through Doyle.

It's Go Time/The Degenerate - JebusHChrist dispenses his college football and gambling knowledge. Saved me from getting my legs broken.

IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW: Oh flight tracker where would we be without you.

It's Not Plagarism if You Link to It - Hell, you should know about this, your almost daily round-up of information that we're too lazy to do ourselves.

--- J ---

J Leman - Illinois linebacker and patron saint of BHGP; has only one love: America; saved the 2008 Olympic basketball team from the Chinese, was brainwashed by Ron Zook and murdered Lou Holtz and Bobert Zook; led Iowa to victory against Penn State; running for president in 2012; has too many friends to count; was forced to kill Zook's secretary because she was turned into Osama Bin Laden.

Jake Christensen - By all accounts a good kid, but a lousy quarterback; did destroy Purdue in varsity mode; went on a nature walk with Ken O'Keefe.

James Vandenburg - Fishing enthusiast; just not really good at it; looks like Opie, British crime fighting robot boy.

Jamie Pollard - Iowa State athletic director was fleeced by Gene Chizik; put the smackdown on own fan; thought Chizik was on his way back, was mistaken; talked with the NCAA; was offered a spot in the Big Ten; nearly had a bowl berth; got scandal'd by Charles Robinson; has the blues; talked with Yankees announcer John Sterling; inconsolable.


Like this wasn't going to get posted

Jarryd Cole - Former Hawkeye center; loves Bjork.

JebusHChrist - Here from the very beginning; a treasure.

Jim Croce - Legendary songwriter; Illinois head basketball coach.

Jim Delaney - The Big Ten's big kahuna; maybe a little pious; proud college football troll.

Joe Paterno - Legendary Penn State coach; doesn't get this Fergie character; shares a kindred spirit with Bill Cowher; wooed Terrell Pryor; hired the Cryptkeeper; had contract talks during spring practice; was ready for the election; won the Civil War with Cornshoe Hammaker; was hospitalized; was visited by an Iowa contingent; linked to it so he didn't plagiarize; then did it again; was on Celebrity Jeopardy; befriended Jim Cramer; had Cornshoe Hammaker killed; joined forces with Kirk Ferentz to take down Freedom Squad and Ricky Stanzi; missed out on recruit due to mistaken identity; does not care for Tim Brewster, definitely not near as much as he does Patrick Duffy; took down Zombie Lincoln Bobby Bowden with the help of Cornshoe Hammaker; found out about his linebacker injuries; took his second-straight loss to Iowa hard; knows exactly what happened with zombie boy; outlasted Bobby Bowden and instantly lost all motivation; would not release Robert Bolden from his scholarship; competed in an NCAA tournament pool; was not going to answer Bobert's questions; could not decide between McGloin or Bolden; so he decided to fuse them; RIP.

Joe Tiller - Former Purdue football coach; introduced "Basketball on Grass"; loves Philadelphia Cream Cheese, I mean loves it.

Josh Koeppel - Stronger than any truck.

J.R. Angle - Former Iowa basketball player; freshened up his squeaky clean image thanks to HFMR;

J.R. Koch - Former Iowa basketball player; rules The Roost.

Junior Hemmingway - Could not stay inbounds to beat Iowa; writes just like Uncle Ernie.

justNorthwestern - Started out as plain ol' innocent Northwestern in 2007; might have been victim of department store-led point shaving scandal; were part of some the biggest upsets of all-time; before the 2008 game earned their moniker; then Shonn Greene was concussed; Stanzi was injured; and Fitzgerald sacrificed Dan Persa's leg for a win; the three-game streak didn't matter though, why? they're justNorthwestern; also we rightfully took their spot in the Outback Bowl in 2008; make sure you're able to identify their fans; might have played football before 1995, weeeeeeeeird.

--- K ---

Karl Klug - Former Iowa and current Tennessee Titan defensive tackle; has the arms of an 8-year old boy.

Kat O'Keefe - Figment of Ken's imagination or devil spawn?

Keeping the Man Busy - The former feeder system to the Fulmer Cup, did you know college athletes have a habit of getting into trouble? *Gasp* I know.

Ken O'Keefe - Divisive Iowa offensive coordinator; might not be able to coach left handed QBs; thought the Orange Bowl was terrifying; went on Deal or No Deal with Jake Christensen; went to Vegas with HFMR; felt disrespected before the Outback Bowl and became "Gamekok"; survived a possible assassination attempt; very hands on as a quarterback coach, very hands on; has a harder time with the pro athletes; needs to save the Dolphins; was convinced to return from his own island.

KEOM - The Korean Equivalent of McG; made videos for Girls Generation and Korean Weezer.

Kinnick Gameday Policies - They keep getting stranger and stranger.

Kirk Ferentz - Iowa head football coach; hater; Lloyd Carr replacement? Not quite; Eric Mangini replacement? Nope; New Notre Dame coach? possibly; kind of looks like a Muppet when wearing a mustache; the hot seat? Fuck that; took the Iowa media to task; turned heel and joined Joe Paterno to take down freedom squad; just wants to rock; DJK? Adam Robinson? Never heard of them; can never escape the autograph hounds; has something in his eye; pooped a headset; tried Tebowing...failed; might have cut off finger; interviewed defensive coordinator candidates; decided to be a daredevil; wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to Ken; but then totally did.


Any questions? Didn't think so.

Kokaine - Pushed to his limit, Iowa offensive coordinator Ken O'Keefe turns into his drug-fueled alter ego.

Krissy Cox - justNorthwestern cheerleader; realist.

Kurt Vonnegut - Esteemed author and Iowa graduate; deceased, but still gave an interview with BHGP.

Kyle Calloway - Former Iowa offensive tackle; moped enthusiast.

--- L ---

Lil' John - Forever ballin'.

Lohl vs. Lawl - The ultimate debate which decided the Marchifornication title by decree of Commissioner Breadman (this all makes sense, I swear).

Lou Holtz: Former national championship winning football coach, current lisping ESPN analyst; is never going to give you up; hitman; shot by J Leman; gave halftime talk at Hate Bowl.