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Ken O'Keefe's Dolphin Tale

INT: The Iowa Football Offices, a week ago...

Iconokeefe_medium knockity-dockity-dock!

Iconferentz_medium /sighs

Iconferentz_medium Yes, Ken?

Iconokeefe_medium We need to talk, Kirk.

Iconferentz_medium I already told you, we can't make an offensive entire formation out of end around plays.

Iconokeefe_medium No, no, not that.

Iconokeefe_medium (whispers) Although I still think you're wrong...

Iconokeefe_medium Something else.

Iconferentz_medium So what then?

Iconokeefe_medium /hands Ferentz a piece of paper

Iconokeefe_medium I'm handing in my letter of resignation.

Iconferentz_medium What?

Iconokeefe_medium I'm feeling a calling, Kirk.

Iconferentz_medium Oh god. This isn't going to be like that time you wanted to be an astronaut, is it?

Iconokeefe_medium Man's destiny is in the stars, Kirk!

Iconferentz_medium Or like the time you wanted to be a rodeo clown?

Iconokeefe_medium I would have been great at it!

Iconferentz_medium Or that time you wanted to dig a hole to the center of the earth to find the lost world?

Iconokeefe_medium It would have been historic!

Iconferentz_medium Or that time you wanted to quit during Insight Bowl practice and look for El Dorado?

Iconokeefe_medium We were so close! I just know it!

Iconferentz_medium /sigh

Iconferentz_medium I make four million dollars a year, Ken. If you really want a solid gold toilet, I'll buy one for you.

Iconokeefe_medium /raises eyebrow hopefully

Iconferentz_medium Whatever. So what is it this time, Ken?

Iconokeefe_medium I need to go to Miami, Kirk.

Iconferentz_medium What?

Iconokeefe_medium I need to help the dolphins.

Iconferentz_medium /blank stare

Iconokeefe_medium They need my help.

Iconferentz_medium The... Dolphins?

Iconokeefe_medium Yes.

Iconferentz_medium Well, they fired Cam Tony Sparano and I'm pretty sure they're gonna tell Chad Henne to pack his bags, so they're on the right track. I think Joe's going to do a great job down there.

Iconokeefe_medium No, not the Dolphins, Kirk. The dolphins.

Iconferentz_medium /blank stare

Iconokeefe_medium The dolphins are hurting, Kirk! I was watching TV last night and --

Iconferentz_medium Oh hell.

Iconokeefe_medium -- and the missus came across this program and I don't mind telling you that it was the saddest thing I'd ever seen.

Iconferentz_medium /shakes head

Iconokeefe_medium Two guys rescued a dolphin, but his tail was all hurt, so they had to amputate it! It was awful!

Iconferentz_medium /opens desk drawer, pulls out glass

Iconokeefe_medium Can you imagine a dolphin with no tail? Oh, it was so sad. The missus and I were just bawling.

Iconferentz_medium /opens cabinet, pulls out bottle of Templeton Rye

Iconokeefe_medium Luckily, this nice doctor took the dolphin to another doctor and they put a prosthetic tail on the dolphin. It was a miracle!

Iconferentz_medium /pours Templeton Rye into glass, takes a drink

Iconokeefe_medium But what if that dolphin wasn't the only one out there like that, Kirk? I just couldn't bear the thought of some other dolphins out there, writhing in pain with no tails!

Iconferentz_medium /finishes drink

Iconokeefe_medium So do you see? Do you understand why I have to go?

Iconferentz_medium /sighs

Iconferentz_medium Ken, this is the dumbest idea you've ever had.

Iconokeefe_medium /has a sad

Iconferentz_medium And that's saying an awful lot, considering I once let you take two weeks off in the summer to look for Bigfoot.

Iconokeefe_medium I thought I had good intel!

Iconferentz_medium From who, Santa Claus? You went looking for him in the Loess Hills.

Iconokeefe_medium Have you been to western Iowa? It was plausible!

Iconferentz_medium /shakes head

Iconokeefe_medium Anyway, I need to do this, Kirk. The dolphins need me!

Iconferentz_medium Ken, you don't know the first thing about marine biology, anymore than you knew a thing about astronauts, rodeo clowns, or underground exploration.

Iconokeefe_medium I'm a quick study!

Iconferentz_medium /pours another glass of Templeton Rye

Iconokeefe_medium Look, a dolphin called me! I heard his cry for help!

Iconferentz_medium /drinks entire glass of Templeton Rye

Iconokeefe_medium /pulls out cellphone

Iconokeefe_medium Here, listen to the voicemail!

Iconferentz_medium /listens to the voicemail

Iconferentz_medium Ken, this is insane. Dolphins can't use phones.

Iconokeefe_medium How do you know that? Dolphins are some of the smartest mammals on the planet!

Iconferentz_medium They don't have any fingers.

Iconokeefe_medium Their noses are incredibly sensitive! And what about touch screen phones, huh? Huh?

Iconferentz_medium This is still insane.

Iconokeefe_medium Maybe you're insane! You keep doing the same thing again and again, which is the definition of insanity!

Iconferentz_medium First of all, you've completely mangled that expression. Second of all, it has literally no relevance to this discussion at all.

Iconokeefe_medium Nuh uh!

Iconferentz_medium I guarantee you that a dolphin did not acquire a phone, find your telephone number, call you up, and then leave you a voice mail.

Iconokeefe_medium Prove it!

Iconferentz_medium ...

Iconokeefe_medium Ha! You can't!

Iconferentz_medium Ken, why would a dolphin call you? Like I already said, you don't know anything about marine biology. You're an offensive coordinator. You coach football.

Iconokeefe_medium That was the old Ken O'Keefe! The new one is going to save the dolphins, Kirk!

Iconferentz_medium This is still completely insane.

Iconokeefe_medium I know you are but what am I?! You can't stop me, Kirk! My mind is made up!

Iconokeefe_medium /marches out of Ferentz's office

Iconferentz_medium /stares at empty glass

Iconferentz_medium Norm will never believe this.

Iconferentz_medium /glances at O'Keefe's phone in his hand

Iconferentz_medium Oh, what the hell...

Iconferentz_medium /dials number

Cellphone2icon_medium BRRRRING

Iconferentz_medium Hello?

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Yo, who's this?

Iconferentz_medium I'm Kirk Ferentz, head coach of the Iowa football team. Er, who are you?

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Oh hey, coach. How's it flappin'? This is B-Marsh.

Iconferentz_medium B-Marsh?

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Brandon Marshall, fool. About to be the best receiver in the NFL again.

Iconferentz_medium Oh. I coach college ball, so I don't spend a lot of time following the NFL...

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Pfft. Your loss, man. So why're you ringing up B-Marsh anyway?

Iconferentz_medium Uh, well, it looks like someone from this number called my offensive coordinator and pretended to be a dolphin.

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Aw man, I remember that now. You heard of turtlecalls, man?

Iconferentz_medium What?

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Guess not. Me and Davone got the idea to make like a spinoff of that idea. We call 'em dolphincalls.

Iconferentz_medium ...

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium And I had a one-on-one interview with Coach Joe the other day where he mentioned how much of an inspiration Kenny O'Keefe had been for him when he was at Iowa. He gave me his number, I don't really know why.

Iconferentz_medium Uh-huh.

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium But me and Davone were bored as hell last night so we just said what the hell, let's give him a dolphincall. It was so damn funny. Until he started crying. That was kinda weird.

Iconferentz_medium Oh god.

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Anyway, what's up?

Iconferentz_medium Well, today Ken quit because he said a dolphin called him and told him it needed help.

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Yo, for reals?

Iconferentz_medium Yes.

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium Oh man, that shit is ridic. I gotta call Davone. Oh, and, um, sorry, bro.

Brandon-marshall-icon_medium /hangs up

Iconferentz_medium /stares at empty glass

Iconferentz_medium ...

Iconferentz_medium Damn you, Brandon Marshall.