FAKE LIE STORIES THAT ARE NOT REAL

The Return of the KOK

Ken O'Keefe is back, and he's brought with him a breezy island philosophy AND a brand new dance sensation

By Horace E. Cow Nov 15, 2012, 11:30am CST

The Scene: The Iowa football practice facility, earlier today.

Let's see, what do we have on the schedule today: tackling drills, blocking drills, short out drills, short out drills, more short out drills... *sigh* Sometimes it's just like, what's the point... HEY! WHAT THE %$#@ IS THIS!?

WHO FILLED MY GLEAMING NEW PRACTICE FACILITY WITH 100,000 CUBIC YARDS OF SAND! I WANT ANSWERS OR THERE wiLL BE HEADS ON POSTS, PEOPLE!

Oh, hi Kirk! [puts down toy bucket and shovel] How's it hangin', pal?

Ken! What are you doing here? Don't you have a game tonight?

Oh, that team pretty much runs itself at this point. I came back because I was concerned about you. You look tense -- is everything all right?

Well, no, actually. The team can't seem to stop losing, I'm snapping at reporters, I chewed my gum so hard it went through my teeth and into my brain. And if you haven't noticed, my practice facility is filled with sand.

Oh, I can explain that. I brought that in.

YOU did this. You... you... YOU JOWLY WASTE OF A HAWAIIAN SHIRT I WILL DESTROY YOU I WILL COVER YOU WITH GRITS AND TELL GREG YOU'RE BREAKFAST I WILL MAKE YOU WATCH THE MICHIGAN STATE GAME UNTIL YOUR EYES BLEED -- say, wait a minute. Why are you wearing a Hawaiian shirt?

This? This is why I came here to talk to you. This is why I dumped all this sand here. I've learned a new way of life during my time in Florida. Everything's easy living, Hawaiian shirts, margaritas and sunshine. Unlike here. You've got a real Bataan death march vibe going here.

Hey, we're relaxed. We know how to have fun. Just last week I let the team have a movie night.

What was the movie?

Umm... Requiem For a Dream.

C'mon, Kirk. It's Ken, you don't have to lie to me. You guys are so tense you're apt to strangle Pat Harty with his sweatpants. Today I want you and your team to relax. And there's no better way to relax than ... BEACH PARTY! [puts record on phonograph]

Hey hey hey -- what are you doing there? What's that album?

Living in Miami has opened me up to all kinds of new experiences. I just recorded my first solo album down there:

Oh. My. God.

Ooh, here, it's starting! Get the team together.

[A jazzy beach party riff starts to play and is soon accompanied by drums, bass guitar, and a smooth baritone voice, which sings the following words]

Well we got a new dance that's sweeping South Beach