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The Return of the KOK

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Ken O'Keefe is back, and he's brought with him a breezy island philosophy AND a brand new dance sensation

US PRESSWIRE

The Scene: The Iowa football practice facility, earlier today.

Iconferentz_medium Let's see, what do we have on the schedule today: tackling drills, blocking drills, short out drills, short out drills, more short out drills... *sigh* Sometimes it's just like, what's the point... HEY! WHAT THE %$#@ IS THIS!?

Sandpractice_medium

Iconferentz_medium WHO FILLED MY GLEAMING NEW PRACTICE FACILITY WITH 100,000 CUBIC YARDS OF SAND! I WANT ANSWERS OR THERE wiLL BE HEADS ON POSTS, PEOPLE!

Iconokeefe_medium Oh, hi Kirk! [puts down toy bucket and shovel] How's it hangin', pal?

Iconferentz_medium Ken! What are you doing here? Don't you have a game tonight?

Iconokeefe_medium Oh, that team pretty much runs itself at this point. I came back because I was concerned about you. You look tense -- is everything all right?

Iconferentz_medium Well, no, actually. The team can't seem to stop losing, I'm snapping at reporters, I chewed my gum so hard it went through my teeth and into my brain. And if you haven't noticed, my practice facility is filled with sand.

Iconokeefe_medium Oh, I can explain that. I brought that in.

Iconferentz_medium YOU did this. You... you... YOU JOWLY WASTE OF A HAWAIIAN SHIRT I WILL DESTROY YOU I WILL COVER YOU WITH GRITS AND TELL GREG YOU'RE BREAKFAST I WILL MAKE YOU WATCH THE MICHIGAN STATE GAME UNTIL YOUR EYES BLEED -- say, wait a minute. Why are you wearing a Hawaiian shirt?

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Iconokeefe_medium This? This is why I came here to talk to you. This is why I dumped all this sand here. I've learned a new way of life during my time in Florida. Everything's easy living, Hawaiian shirts, margaritas and sunshine. Unlike here. You've got a real Bataan death march vibe going here.

Iconferentz_medium Hey, we're relaxed. We know how to have fun. Just last week I let the team have a movie night.

Iconokeefe_medium What was the movie?

Iconferentz_medium Umm... Requiem For a Dream.

Iconokeefe_medium C'mon, Kirk. It's Ken, you don't have to lie to me. You guys are so tense you're apt to strangle Pat Harty with his sweatpants. Today I want you and your team to relax. And there's no better way to relax than ... BEACH PARTY! [puts record on phonograph]

Iconferentz_medium Hey hey hey -- what are you doing there? What's that album?

Iconokeefe_medium Living in Miami has opened me up to all kinds of new experiences. I just recorded my first solo album down there:

Saxkeefe_medium

Iconferentz_medium Oh. My. God.

Iconokeefe_medium Ooh, here, it's starting! Get the team together.

[A jazzy beach party riff starts to play and is soon accompanied by drums, bass guitar, and a smooth baritone voice, which sings the following words]

Well we got a new dance that's sweeping South Beach

[duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh na]

It looks real funky and it's easy to teach.

[duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh na]

You just flap your arms and then you bend your knees.

[duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh na]

Then you jerk your neck back and forth in the breeze.

[duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh na]

It's louder than a terrier and smaller than a poodle.

[duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh na]

Come on, everyone, do the KOK-a-doodle!

[extended guitar solo]

Iconokeefe_medium C'mon Kirk! Shake that tail feather! It'll do you good!
Iconferentz_medium No... no way. No how. No.
Iconokeefe_medium But look, the team is getting into it!

Beachblanket2_medium

Iconokeefe_medium And the coaches too!

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Iconokeefe_medium Even Andrei Kirilenko and his pigs are doing it!
Beachblanket4_medium

Iconferentz_medium I am probably going to regret this, but what the heck.

Beachblanket_medium

Iconokeefe_medium See, life doesn't have to be all misery and grinding, torturous, incremental trench warfare! And neither does football!

Iconferentz_medium Hey, yeah! I'm really starting to have fun now! I could get used to this!

Alarmclock_medium BRRRNG! BRRRRNG!

Iconferentz_medium Oh, wait, it was all just some crazy dream. The practice facility isn't filled with sand. I didn't just dance to beach music in a skimpy bathing suit. Andrei Kirilenko didn't do the KOK-a-doodle... *sigh* I miss Ken.