Ferentz Loads Iowa Program With Ferentzes For Family Feud, Not Football

(Big thanks to Horace E. Cow for his amazing help with this post. -- ross)

Good morning, folks. Real excited about this off week. Comes at a good time for us. We need to get a few guys healthy. Need to get the passing game on the same page, too. Any questions?

Coach, is it true?

Is what true?

Well... is it true that there were certain non-football reasons you hired Brian Ferentz as your new offensive line coach?

Well, you know, it's not every day that you get to coach with your son, so that was certainly exciting, real exciting opportunity there. And Mary, well, she kind of gave her two cents about his candidacy, too... /chuckles

Are you sure there weren't some... other non-football reasons you were so keen to get Brian back in the fold?

I don't think I know what you're talking about.

Other reasons like... the Feud.

/tenses

/exhales loudly

Yes. It's true. I needed Brian back this year because I realized I finally had the opportunity to field the perfect Family Feud team.

Um...

For too long, I had neglected the most important aspect of a Feud team: family.

Do you remember after the 2002 season, when I took a group of coaches on the Feud?

Uh, no... Refresh my memory: who was on that team again?

Oh, me, Norm, Ken, Phil, and Reese. Although Reese was in his nWo mode at the time. So he was a little... off.

Right, right.

It was a disaster. Total meltdown. We were the fat cats of Family Feud teams. Embarrassing. Just pathetic. We didn't respect the Feud. We were all high and mighty, thought we were real hot stuff. We thought we could just show up and win the Feud, no practice, no teamwork.

Huh. No, I don't remember hearing about that at all.

I'm not surprised. I don't think it ever aired on TV. I think they said it was the most vulgar episode of The Family Feud they'd ever recorded, and that included the time they had the cast of MILF Hunter IV on the show. But, you know, you let Norm respond to a category like "Things Bigger Than a Bread Box" or "Things You Can Put Maple Syrup On" and you know what can happen....

...

Anyway. I tried to put the Feud behind me. Truly, I did. But I can't do it, just can't do it. There's a void in my soul and it can only be filled by victory in the Family Feud.

But now I think I've figured it out. With Brian back in the fold and Steven here, alongside James... now I've got it. Now I know I can win.

* * *

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE... AT STUDIO 33 IN CBS TELEVISION CITY!

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another pulse-pounding edition of... The Family Feud! I'm your host, Brent Musberger!

/claps politely

Folks, we have a very special edition of the Feud for you today. These two teams prove that football is not just a game -- it's a family affair!

/canned laughter

Ha ha! Now let's meet the teams.

Up first is a team of brothers hailing from Youngstown, Ohio... the sensational Stoops siblings!

So, Bob, tell me a little about yourself.

Sure. I'm Bob Stoops, the oldest of the bunch. I'm the head football coach at the University of Oklahoma, where I've won 80% of my games and played in four national championship games.

/whistles Wow! And how many of those did you win?

Uh, one.

Ah. Well, getting there is an achievement in its own right, isn't it, Bob?

Uh, sure.

So who'd you bring with you today?

Well, this is my brother, Mike --

HOW'S IT HANGIN', SLAPDICKS!

Uh, you definitely can't say that on the Feud.

HANGIN'?

No.

HOW'S?

No.

IT?

No.

SLAPDICKS?

/sigh

... and this is my brother, Mark Stoops.

It's great to meet you, Mr. Musberger.

Sure, sure. So what do you do, Mark?

I'm the defensive coordinator at Florida State.

Oh, that must be exciting!

Yeah, it's pretty cool. Got a pretty good defense this year. /shrugs

... and this is my other brother, Ron Stoops.

Ah. And what do you, Ron?

/blank stare

Uh, he doesn't speak. Or blink. Or move.

I see. Seems like he might not be the best Feud partner, Bob!

Yeah. But Mom made me bring him along.

Right. Let's meet the Ferentzes!

Tell us a little about yourself, Kirk.

Sure, Brent. I'm the head coach of the University of Iowa football team and I feel darn lucky to be here with all three of my sons.

That is impressive. Why don't you introduce them?

This is my oldest boy, Brian.

What do you do, Brian?

I used to coach tight ends for the New England Patriots. Now I coach the Iowa offensive line.

So you're the head big ugly, huh?

Are you calling me ugly?

Haha! And who's this strapping young lad?

... this is my middle son, James.

You look way too young to be a coach, son.

Yeah. I'm the starting center for Iowa.

Another big ugly, huh?

/scowls

... and this is my youngest boy, Steven.

Lemme guess, another offensive lineman? Frankly, you look a little on the scrawny side for that.

No, sir, I'm a tight end.

Oh.

Well, that's enough chit-chat -- time to play the Feud!

Okay, first question: we asked 100 college football coaches "Name something overheard in math class."

BUZZ!

Yes, Bob?

Divisor?

Survey says.. yes!

The Stoops family has control!

WHOOP WHOOP

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT WE DO

Shut up, Mike.

Okay, Mike, name something else overheard in math class.

Um... SLAPDICKS?

/facepalm

Well... survey says: NO!

Okay, Mark, your team needs you to get some positive momentum going again... name something else overheard in math class.

Um... BLITZ ROBBER ZERO?

Wait, seriously?

Survey says... NO!

Seriously?

Hey, I spend all day thinking about defensive calls. What do you want?

Okay, Ron, last chance for your team... name something else overheard in math class.

/blank stare

Anything?

/blank stare

...goddamnit.

/blank stare

Survey says... NO!

Okay, Ferentz family, this is your chance to steal the category. Name something else overheard in math class.

Janey Smith is a whore!

What?

Well, I heard it in my math class...

Shut up, you idiot.

Time's running out, Ferentz family -- is that your final answer?

Wait, what?

Show me..."Shut up, you idiot."

Ho ho! Not only was that a correct answer -- it was the most common response from our panel of experts!

/scribbles note

* * *

...okay, it's time for the next category. Kirk, Bob? Step on up again.

We asked a panel of 100 college football coaches: "Name something you can do with a timeout."

BUZZ!

Wow, you're quick on the draw there, Kirk. Whatcha got?

Um... use them inopportunely?

Show me... "use them inopportunely!"

Amazing!

/twirls fingers

This is worse than that Fiesta Bowl against Boise State. Or that other Fiesta Bowl against West Virginia.

* * *

That's all we've got time for today, ladies and gentle--

I got you this time, Stoops! I got you good!

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

oh goddamn it

THOSE FERENTZES CHEATED! THEY GOT TO REPLACE SLAPDICK STEVIE FERENTZ WITH SOME TIME-TRAVELLING GRAND-DAD FERENTZ! THAT AIN'T RIGHT!

Well, technically speaking, there's nothing in the Feud rules prohibiting the use of time travelers. And he is a Ferentz.

Ha! Suck on that, Marky Mark.

WHATEVER, JUNIOR, THIS IS LAME. C'MON, MARK, LET'S GO DO WHIP-ITS AND DO SOME DONUTS IN THE PARKING LOT.

* * *

...coach! Coach!

hmm...? wha?

You nodded off, Coach.

Oh did I?

Yeah, you were mumbling something about the Stoops brothers and timeouts and math class.

Oh... I had a dream, fellas. The most wonderful dream.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go call a Family Feud producer...

* * *

BONUS! This 'shop from hawk6894 ended up not fitting the direction of the post, but it was too good not to share.