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Ferentz Loads Iowa Program With Ferentzes For Family Feud, Not Football

Finally, the real reason behind Kirk Ferentz's decision to hire Brian Ferentz to the Iowa football staff.


(Big thanks to Horace E. Cow for his amazing help with this post. -- ross)

Iconferentz_medium Good morning, folks. Real excited about this off week. Comes at a good time for us. We need to get a few guys healthy. Need to get the passing game on the same page, too. Any questions?

Reportericon_medium Coach, is it true?

Iconferentz_medium Is what true?

Reportericon_medium Well... is it true that there were certain non-football reasons you hired Brian Ferentz as your new offensive line coach?

Iconferentz_medium Well, you know, it's not every day that you get to coach with your son, so that was certainly exciting, real exciting opportunity there. And Mary, well, she kind of gave her two cents about his candidacy, too... /chuckles

Reportericon_medium Are you sure there weren't some... other non-football reasons you were so keen to get Brian back in the fold?

Iconferentz_medium I don't think I know what you're talking about.

Reportericon_medium Other reasons like... the Feud.

Iconferentz_medium /tenses

Iconferentz_medium /exhales loudly

Iconferentz_medium Yes. It's true. I needed Brian back this year because I realized I finally had the opportunity to field the perfect Family Feud team.

Reportericon_medium Um...

Iconferentz_medium For too long, I had neglected the most important aspect of a Feud team: family.

Iconferentz_medium Do you remember after the 2002 season, when I took a group of coaches on the Feud?


Reportericon_medium Uh, no... Refresh my memory: who was on that team again?

Iconferentz_medium Oh, me, Norm, Ken, Phil, and Reese. Although Reese was in his nWo mode at the time. So he was a little... off.

Reportericon_medium Right, right.

Iconferentz_medium It was a disaster. Total meltdown. We were the fat cats of Family Feud teams. Embarrassing. Just pathetic. We didn't respect the Feud. We were all high and mighty, thought we were real hot stuff. We thought we could just show up and win the Feud, no practice, no teamwork.

Reportericon_medium Huh. No, I don't remember hearing about that at all.

Iconferentz_medium I'm not surprised. I don't think it ever aired on TV. I think they said it was the most vulgar episode of The Family Feud they'd ever recorded, and that included the time they had the cast of MILF Hunter IV on the show. But, you know, you let Norm respond to a category like "Things Bigger Than a Bread Box" or "Things You Can Put Maple Syrup On" and you know what can happen....

Reportericon_medium ...

Iconferentz_medium Anyway. I tried to put the Feud behind me. Truly, I did. But I can't do it, just can't do it. There's a void in my soul and it can only be filled by victory in the Family Feud.

Iconferentz_medium But now I think I've figured it out. With Brian back in the fold and Steven here, alongside James... now I've got it. Now I know I can win.

* * *



Musberger_medium Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another pulse-pounding edition of... The Family Feud! I'm your host, Brent Musberger!

Studio_audience_icon_medium /claps politely

Musberger_medium Folks, we have a very special edition of the Feud for you today. These two teams prove that football is not just a game -- it's a family affair!

Studio_audience_icon_medium /canned laughter

Musberger_medium Ha ha! Now let's meet the teams.


Musberger_medium Up first is a team of brothers hailing from Youngstown, Ohio... the sensational Stoops siblings!

Musberger_medium So, Bob, tell me a little about yourself.

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Sure. I'm Bob Stoops, the oldest of the bunch. I'm the head football coach at the University of Oklahoma, where I've won 80% of my games and played in four national championship games.

Musberger_medium /whistles Wow! And how many of those did you win?

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Uh, one.

Musberger_medium Ah. Well, getting there is an achievement in its own right, isn't it, Bob?

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Uh, sure.

Musberger_medium So who'd you bring with you today?

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Well, this is my brother, Mike --

Mike_stoops_icon_medium HOW'S IT HANGIN', SLAPDICKS!

Musberger_medium Uh, you definitely can't say that on the Feud.

Mike_stoops_icon_medium HANGIN'?

Musberger_medium No.

Mike_stoops_icon_medium HOW'S?

Musberger_medium No.

Mike_stoops_icon_medium IT?

Musberger_medium No.

Mike_stoops_icon_medium SLAPDICKS?

Musberger_medium /sigh

Bob_stoops_icon_medium ... and this is my brother, Mark Stoops.

Mark_stoops_icon_medium It's great to meet you, Mr. Musberger.

Musberger_medium Sure, sure. So what do you do, Mark?

Mark_stoops_icon_medium I'm the defensive coordinator at Florida State.

Musberger_medium Oh, that must be exciting!

Mark_stoops_icon_medium Yeah, it's pretty cool. Got a pretty good defense this year. /shrugs

Bob_stoops_icon_medium ... and this is my other brother, Ron Stoops.

Musberger_medium Ah. And what do you, Ron?

Ron_stoops_icon_medium /blank stare

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Uh, he doesn't speak. Or blink. Or move.

Musberger_medium I see. Seems like he might not be the best Feud partner, Bob!

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Yeah. But Mom made me bring him along.

Musberger_medium Right. Let's meet the Ferentzes!

Musberger_medium Tell us a little about yourself, Kirk.

Iconferentz_medium Sure, Brent. I'm the head coach of the University of Iowa football team and I feel darn lucky to be here with all three of my sons.

Musberger_medium That is impressive. Why don't you introduce them?

Iconferentz_medium This is my oldest boy, Brian.

Musberger_medium What do you do, Brian?

Brian_ferentz_icon_medium I used to coach tight ends for the New England Patriots. Now I coach the Iowa offensive line.

Musberger_medium So you're the head big ugly, huh?

Brian_ferentz_icon_medium Are you calling me ugly?

Musberger_medium Haha! And who's this strapping young lad?

Iconferentz_medium ... this is my middle son, James.

Musberger_medium You look way too young to be a coach, son.

James_ferentz_icon_medium Yeah. I'm the starting center for Iowa.

Musberger_medium Another big ugly, huh?

James_ferentz_icon_medium /scowls

Iconferentz_medium ... and this is my youngest boy, Steven.

Musberger_medium Lemme guess, another offensive lineman? Frankly, you look a little on the scrawny side for that.

Steve_ferentz_icon_medium No, sir, I'm a tight end.

Musberger_medium Oh.

Musberger_medium Well, that's enough chit-chat -- time to play the Feud!

Musberger_medium Okay, first question: we asked 100 college football coaches "Name something overheard in math class."

Family_feud_buzzer_icon_medium BUZZ!

Musberger_medium Yes, Bob?

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Divisor?

Musberger_medium Survey says.. yes!


Musberger_medium The Stoops family has control!

Mike_stoops_icon_medium WHOOP WHOOP

Mike_stoops_icon_medium YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT WE DO

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Shut up, Mike.

Musberger_medium Okay, Mike, name something else overheard in math class.

Mike_stoops_icon_medium Um... SLAPDICKS?

Bob_stoops_icon_medium /facepalm

Musberger_medium Well... survey says: NO!


Musberger_medium Okay, Mark, your team needs you to get some positive momentum going again... name something else overheard in math class.

Mark_stoops_icon_medium Um... BLITZ ROBBER ZERO?

Bob_stoops_icon_medium Wait, seriously?

Musberger_medium Survey says... NO!


Bob_stoops_icon_medium Seriously?

Mark_stoops_icon_medium Hey, I spend all day thinking about defensive calls. What do you want?

Musberger_medium Okay, Ron, last chance for your team... name something else overheard in math class.

Ron_stoops_icon_medium /blank stare

Musberger_medium Anything?

Ron_stoops_icon_medium /blank stare

Bob_stoops_icon_medium ...goddamnit.

Ron_stoops_icon_medium /blank stare

Musberger_medium Survey says... NO!


Musberger_medium Okay, Ferentz family, this is your chance to steal the category. Name something else overheard in math class.

Steve_ferentz_icon_medium Janey Smith is a whore!

Brian_ferentz_icon_medium What?

Steve_ferentz_icon_medium Well, I heard it in my math class...

James_ferentz_icon_medium Shut up, you idiot.

Musberger_medium Time's running out, Ferentz family -- is that your final answer?

Brian_ferentz_icon_medium Wait, what?

Musberger_medium Show me..."Shut up, you idiot."


Musberger_medium Ho ho! Not only was that a correct answer -- it was the most common response from our panel of experts!

Iconferentz_medium /scribbles note

* * *

Musberger_medium ...okay, it's time for the next category. Kirk, Bob? Step on up again.

Musberger_medium We asked a panel of 100 college football coaches: "Name something you can do with a timeout."

Family_feud_buzzer_icon_medium BUZZ!

Musberger_medium Wow, you're quick on the draw there, Kirk. Whatcha got?

Iconferentz_medium Um... use them inopportunely?

Musberger_medium Show me... "use them inopportunely!"


Musberger_medium Amazing!

Iconferentz_medium /twirls fingers

Bob_stoops_icon_medium This is worse than that Fiesta Bowl against Boise State. Or that other Fiesta Bowl against West Virginia.

* * *


Musberger_medium That's all we've got time for today, ladies and gentle--

Iconferentz_medium I got you this time, Stoops! I got you good!

Mike_stoops_icon_medium FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Musberger_medium oh goddamn it


Musberger_medium Well, technically speaking, there's nothing in the Feud rules prohibiting the use of time travelers. And he is a Ferentz.

Brian_ferentz_icon_medium Ha! Suck on that, Marky Mark.


* * *

Reportericon_medium! Coach!

Iconferentz_medium hmm...? wha?

Reportericon_medium You nodded off, Coach.

Iconferentz_medium Oh did I?

Reportericon_medium Yeah, you were mumbling something about the Stoops brothers and timeouts and math class.

Iconferentz_medium Oh... I had a dream, fellas. The most wonderful dream.

Iconferentz_medium Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go call a Family Feud producer...

* * *

BONUS! This 'shop from hawk6894 ended up not fitting the direction of the post, but it was too good not to share.