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Pat Fitzgerald goes shopping for a new chair

This is a true story about Pat Fitzgerald recently purchasing a new chair.

Hfmr_icon_medium Hello friend, welcome to Black Heart Gold Furnishings. How can I help you?

Fitzicon_medium I need to buy a new chair.

Hfmr_icon_medium Fantastic, we have many chairs that would necessitate a man of your stature. Is it for your living room, kitchen, horse-sex dungeon, dining room...?

Fitzicon_medium What was that after kitchen?

Hfmr_icon_medium Breakfast nook.

Fitzicon_medium Oh. No, it's for my coaches office.

Hfmr_icon_medium Perfect, we have a variety of office chairs that I would be happy to have you sit in. Follow me.

Hfmr_icon_medium Ok, here's the first one. I think it'll fit you perfectly.


Fitzicon_medium That looks like a parking cone.

Hfmr_icon_medium Nope, this is from our Urban Classics Collection. It's very popular.

Fitzicon_medium Oh I get it, you call it Urban because it's very-city looking....

Hfmr_icon_medium No it's named after Urban Meyer. He has like 10 of them.

Fitzicon_medium Really? I don't know, it doesn't look very comfortable.

Hfmr_icon_medium Now see, that's the common misconception. I hear it's quite comfy. Go ahead and try it out



Hfmr_icon_medium See? Isn't that exactly what you need?

Fitzicon_medium Urrrg.

Hfmr_icon_medium Hey, if that's not what you're looking for, I'll gladly show you some more. Yeah, let's definitely do that.

Hfmr_icon_medium Hop up and follow me. You good, or do you need a shoehorn or something?

Fitzicon_medium I'm fine.

Hfmr_icon_medium You've still got some parking cone stuck in....ah forget it.

Fitzicon_medium Huh?

Hfmr_icon_medium Nothing. OK, here's one from our Kona Collection. We get this from a distributor in Hawaii.


Fitzicon_medium Um, that's a pineapple.

Hfmr_icon_medium No, sir, that's a chair that has been cleverly disguised as a pineapple.

Fitzicon_medium Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.

Hfmr_icon_medium And this chair will give you that sensation. Bret Bielema bought a dozen of these for his summer home in Praire du Chien. Have a seat.



Hfmr_icon_medium See? Don't you feel like you're on vacation?

Fitzicon_medium Kinda.

Hfmr_icon_medium Listen, I don't want you to have to settle. Let's move on. You need a plunger or anything?

Fitzicon_medium No thanks.

Hfmr_icon_medium Great. I'm starting to get a good idea of the kind of man you are so I think I've got something you're really going to like.


Fitzicon_medium Um...

Hfmr_icon_medium Oh, it's not what it looks like.

Fitzicon_medium It looks like a fire hydrant.

Hfmr_icon_medium Well yeah, that's what it is but you've never really lived until you've let all your cares slip away while sinking onto one of these. Just ask Bob Stoops. He has one in every room in his house.



Fitzicon_medium Unnnh, yeah I'm not so sure.

Hfmr_icon_medium Well, the one drawback is that once you sit down you're kind of there for awhile. I can see that you're more of a man on the move, so let's keep looking.

Hfmr_icon_medium Here's something I think you may like.


Fitzicon_medium I don't need a lamp.

Hfmr_icon_medium A lamp? I don't see a lamp. I see a relaxing seat where you can draw up awesome passing plays while eating an asshole sandwich.

Fitzicon_medium Eating a what?

Hfmr_icon_medium Turkey club.

Fitzicon_medium How do I even get on it.

Hfmr_icon_medium Take a running jump, Mr. Linebacker tough guy.

Fitzicon_medium /runs like a girl

Fitzicon_medium /leaps like a fairy



Hfmr_icon_medium Unfortunately, that one is on backorder.

Fitzicon_medium What?

Hfmr_icon_medium Yeah, it's our most popular lamp.

Fitzicon_medium You mean chair?

Hfmr_icon_medium Right.

Fitzicon_medium If it's on backorder then why did you even have me sit on it?

Hfmr_icon_medium Hey, who's the furniture salesman here? Not you, fuckmunch. I am. Now pull that lamp out of your ass and follow me.

Hfmr_icon_medium I've kind of been saving this one because it really has your name on it.


Fitzicon_medium I'm no expert, but it looks like a fist.

Hfmr_icon_medium That's right, you're no expert. Now hop on.

Fitzicon_medium Come on, you don't really think I'm going to sit on that, do you?

Hfmr_icon_medium Yeah right, don't act like it's the first time. Up you go.



Hfmr_icon_medium Ok I'm going to be honest, you don't look very cool on that one.

Fitzicon_medium Really? I feel cool.

Hfmr_icon_medium Of course you do. Let's not make any hasty decisions, though. I have couple more that you need try out.

Hfmr_icon_medium This is part of our Sante Fe Collection.


Hfmr_icon_medium Let me help you up there.

Fitzicon_medium Back off. I can bench press like 300 pounds, so I can climb to the top of a cactus chair.



Hfmr_icon_medium Hey, look at you!

Fitzicon_medium I'm afraid of heights!

Hfmr_icon_medium Just rock back and forth a little.



Fitzicon_medium Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I think this is the one.

Hfmr_icon_medium Sorry, you can't have that one. It's the floor model. Plus they stopped making it because that cactus went on the endangered species list or something.

Fitzicon_medium Man, I just can't catch a break here.

Hfmr_icon_medium Yeah, it's a fucking tragedy.

Hfmr_icon_medium But you know what? I've got one more to show you and I think it's going to make your tiny penis explode. Unfortunately, it's not in this showroom. To get there you have to turn around and go back that way.

Fitzicon_medium Over here?

Hfmr_icon_medium Yeah fuckstain, over there.

Fitzicon_medium /Turns around

Hfmr_icon_medium /hits him in the head with a 9-iron

Fitzicon_medium /is unconscious


Fitzicon_medium ...gurgle

Hfmr_icon_medium Oh hey, good morning sleepyhead.

Fitzicon_medium What happened? Where am I?

Hfmr_icon_medium You're shopping for a new chair in Paris.

Fitzicon_medium Oh right, I think I remember a parking cone and some fisting and....wait.....why the fuck am I in Paris?

Hfmr_icon_medium I promised you the best, sir, and you're going to get it. Here it is.


Fitzicon_medium That's the goddamn Eiffel Tower.

Hfmr_icon_medium Yep, and you're going to sit on it. Like a KING.

Fitzicon_medium A king, you say?

Fitzicon_medium /thinks evil king thoughts

Fitzicon_medium Alright, how do I get up there?

Hfmr_icon_medium Don't worry, I've got it covered.


Fitzicon_medium This is gonna be awesome.

Hfmr_icon_medium I couldn't agree more.

Hfmr_icon_medium Later fucko.

Hfmr_icon_medium /launches very powerful catapult