Pat Fitzgerald goes shopping for a new chair

Hello friend, welcome to Black Heart Gold Furnishings. How can I help you?


I need to buy a new chair.


Fantastic, we have many chairs that would necessitate a man of your stature. Is it for your living room, kitchen, horse-sex dungeon, dining room...?


What was that after kitchen?


Breakfast nook.


Oh. No, it's for my coaches office.


Perfect, we have a variety of office chairs that I would be happy to have you sit in. Follow me.


Ok, here's the first one. I think it'll fit you perfectly.





That looks like a parking cone.

Nope, this is from our Urban Classics Collection. It's very popular.

Oh I get it, you call it Urban because it's very-city looking....

No it's named after Urban Meyer. He has like 10 of them.

Really? I don't know, it doesn't look very comfortable.

Now see, that's the common misconception. I hear it's quite comfy. Go ahead and try it out

GRRRRRUUUUUNNNNooooooooHHHHHJEEEEEEEEESUUUSS





See? Isn't that exactly what you need?


Urrrg.


Hey, if that's not what you're looking for, I'll gladly show you some more. Yeah, let's definitely do that.

Hop up and follow me. You good, or do you need a shoehorn or something?

I'm fine.

You've still got some parking cone stuck in....ah forget it.

Huh?

Nothing. OK, here's one from our Kona Collection. We get this from a distributor in Hawaii.





Um, that's a pineapple.


No, sir, that's a chair that has been cleverly disguised as a pineapple.


Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.


And this chair will give you that sensation. Bret Bielema bought a dozen of these for his summer home in Praire du Chien. Have a seat.


HHHHHHUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGOOOHHHHHSSSSSSSHHHHHIT





See? Don't you feel like you're on vacation?


Kinda.


Listen, I don't want you to have to settle. Let's move on. You need a plunger or anything?


No thanks.


Great. I'm starting to get a good idea of the kind of man you are so I think I've got something you're really going to like.





Um...


Oh, it's not what it looks like.


It looks like a fire hydrant.


Well yeah, that's what it is but you've never really lived until you've let all your cares slip away while sinking onto one of these. Just ask Bob Stoops. He has one in every room in his house.


DARRRNELLLLLAUTRYYYYYYYYYYYY

Unnnh, yeah I'm not so sure.

Well, the one drawback is that once you sit down you're kind of there for awhile. I can see that you're more of a man on the move, so let's keep looking.

Here's something I think you may like.

I don't need a lamp.

A lamp? I don't see a lamp. I see a relaxing seat where you can draw up awesome passing plays while eating an asshole sandwich.

Eating a what?

Turkey club.

How do I even get on it.

Take a running jump, Mr. Linebacker tough guy.

/runs like a girl

/leaps like a fairy

PEEEEEETEEERRRRRRRRPANNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Unfortunately, that one is on backorder.

What?

Yeah, it's our most popular lamp.

You mean chair?

Right.

If it's on backorder then why did you even have me sit on it?

Hey, who's the furniture salesman here? Not you, fuckmunch. I am. Now pull that lamp out of your ass and follow me.


I've kind of been saving this one because it really has your name on it.

I'm no expert, but it looks like a fist.

That's right, you're no expert. Now hop on.

Come on, you don't really think I'm going to sit on that, do you?

Yeah right, don't act like it's the first time. Up you go.

KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN

Ok I'm going to be honest, you don't look very cool on that one.

Really? I feel cool.

Of course you do. Let's not make any hasty decisions, though. I have couple more that you need try out.

This is part of our Sante Fe Collection.

Let me help you up there.

Back off. I can bench press like 300 pounds, so I can climb to the top of a cactus chair.

INNNNNNNNNNNDDDIIIAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNAAAAA

Hey, look at you!

I'm afraid of heights!

Just rock back and forth a little.

TUUUURRRRRRKEYPOTPIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I think this is the one.

Sorry, you can't have that one. It's the floor model. Plus they stopped making it because that cactus went on the endangered species list or something.

Man, I just can't catch a break here.

Yeah, it's a fucking tragedy.

But you know what? I've got one more to show you and I think it's going to make your tiny penis explode. Unfortunately, it's not in this showroom. To get there you have to turn around and go back that way.

Over here?

Yeah fuckstain, over there.

/Turns around

/hits him in the head with a 9-iron

/is unconscious

MANY HOURS LATER........

...gurgle

Oh hey, good morning sleepyhead.

What happened? Where am I?

You're shopping for a new chair in Paris.

Oh right, I think I remember a parking cone and some fisting and....wait.....why the fuck am I in Paris?

I promised you the best, sir, and you're going to get it. Here it is.

That's the goddamn Eiffel Tower.

Yep, and you're going to sit on it. Like a KING.

A king, you say?

/thinks evil king thoughts

Alright, how do I get up there?

Don't worry, I've got it covered.

This is gonna be awesome.

I couldn't agree more.

Later fucko.

/launches very powerful catapult

(FIN)