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Kirk Ferentz Interviews Potential Defensive Coordinators

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Inside the Jacobsen Athletic Building, in the Iowa Football Offices...

Iconsecretary45_medium Good morning, Coach Ferentz.

Iconferentz_medium Um, so why's Ken here? What does he know about defense?

Iconsecretary45_medium He insisted on tagging along. The Wiggles was a rerun today.

Iconferentz_medium Whatever. Let's just get these interviews over with. Who's up first?

Iconsecretary45_medium Phil --

Iconokeefe_medium Collins?

Iconferentz_medium /exasperated sigh

Iconsecretary45_medium No, not Phil Collins.

Iconokeefe_medium SU-SU-SUSSUDIO

Iconferentz_medium Shut up, Ken.

Iconsecretary45_medium No, Phil Parker's up first.

Iconferentz_medium /sighs

Iconokeefe_medium Do we have to interview him? I mean, he's been on staff since day one, Kirk. He's like a warm, fuzzy blanket. Mmm... fuzzy.

Iconferentz_medium Yeah, okay. Secretary? Tell Phil to go take Miller into the film room and send in the next candidate

Mike_stoops_icon_medium HOW'S IT HANGING, SLAPNUTS

Iconferentz_medium Uh, hello.

Mike_stoops_icon_medium SO I'M HERE TO INTERVIEW FOR THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR GIG

Iconferentz_medium You seem familiar...

Mike_stoops_icon_medium ... SERIOUSLY? I WAS THE HEAD COACH AT ARIZONA. WE PLAYED YOU GUYS IN '09 AND '10.

Iconferentz_medium Oh, right. How's that working out for you?

Mike_stoops_icon_medium ... WHAT?

Iconferentz_medium /raises eyebrow

Iconferentz_medium /chews gum

Mike_stoops_icon_medium I GOT FIRED HALFWAY THROUGH THIS SEASON WHEN WE STARTED OUT 1-5. WE PLAYED FOUR STRAIGHT TEAMS IN THE CURRENT TOP TEN.

Iconferentz_medium Oh. That's a tough break.

Mike_stoops_icon_medium UH...

Iconferentz_medium But that's football for you.

Mike_stoops_icon_medium ...

Mike_stoops_icon_medium FUCK YOU, I'M OUT. I'M GONNA GO COACH WITH BOB.

Iconferentz_medium /shrugs

Iconferentz_medium Secretary, send in the next candidate.

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium Hey, Kirk.

Iconferentz_medium Hey, Dave, how's it going? Missed you at the Pitt game this year.

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium /has a sad

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium Yeah, well, it didn't work out so well for me there. They fired me last year.

Iconferentz_medium Right, right. Tough break.

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium /still sad

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium /strokes mustache for comfort

Iconferentz_medium So what have you been up to?

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium Coaching linebackers for the Bills.

Iconferentz_medium How's that been going?

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium Oh, okay. Kinda think I'd like to get back into college coaching, though.

Iconferentz_medium Mm-hmm.

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium Heard you got an opening at defensive coordinator.

Iconferentz_medium Mm-hmm.

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium I mean, I was just thinking... I was in the NFL, you were in the NFL. I need a new job, you have an opening... Well...

Iconferentz_medium Tell me one thing, Dave.

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium Anything, Kirk.

Iconferentz_medium What's the secret behind your mustache? How did you grow such a majestic, lustrous lip tickler?

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium /gets a pained expression

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium Kirk... you know I can't tell you that. The Brotherhood would hunt me down like a rabid dog if I spilled our secrets.

Iconferentz_medium The Brotherhood?

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium The HFMG! The Holy Fraternity of Mustachioed Gentlemen! We're sworn to secrecy. I can't speak about my mustache to anyone who's not at least a ninth-level cleric.

Iconferentz_medium /shrugs

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium If they found out I told you, they'd send their top agents after me! The Brusher, The Clipper, and (shudders) The Scissors.

Iconferentz_medium /snickers

Iconferentz_medium The Scissors?

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium Don't laugh! I was there when he came for Brewster. He used to have quite a mustache, but then he got some loose lips. Since that day the Scissors came to visit him, he's never been able to grow a mustache again.

Iconferentz_medium /snorts

Iconferentz_medium Well, those are the terms. The secrets of your mustache or no job.

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium I-- I can't.

Iconferentz_medium I guess that's that then, Dave. Enjoy Buffalo.

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium /has a sad

Dave_wannstedt_icon_medium /walks out

Iconferentz_medium Next!

Brewsterpowericon_medium WIN FIGHT TRY

Iconferentz_medium Oh hell.

Brewsterpowericon_medium DEFEND STOP TACKLE

Iconferentz_medium Tim, have you ever even coached defense in your life?

Brewsterpowericon_medium NO NEGATIVE NOPE

Iconferentz_medium So what makes you think you're even qualified to be a defensive coordinator?

Brewsterpowericon_medium EAGLES CASTILLO HOPE

Iconferentz_medium Andy Reid and I may not be able to clock manage our way out of a paper bag, but even I'm not that dumb.

Brewsterpowericon_medium /sighs

Brewsterpowericon_medium /exits

Iconferentz_medium Next!

Bobzookicon_medium Howdy!

Iconferentz_medium Um, you look familiar.

Bobzookicon_medium Yeah, I'm looking for my brother Ron, you seen him?

Iconferentz_medium Ron... Zook?

Bobzookicon_medium The one and only! My name's Bobert Zook and I miss him terribly. I've been real worried about him ever since Illinois let him go last month, too.

Iconferentz_medium A sad, sad day.

Iconferentz_medium /shakes head mournfully

Bobzookicon_medium So have you seen him?

Iconferentz_medium Uh, no... although I am looking for a new defensive coordinator. Say, do you happen to know much about running a 4-3 defense that uses primarily quarters coverage?

Bobzookicon_medium No, sir, can't say as I do. Ol' Ronnie got all the football knowledge in the Zook family.

Iconferentz_medium Hmm. How about recruiting? You have any of Ron's old recruiting hook-ups?

Bobzookicon_medium Nope! I was never much into coaching, like Ronnie. I was a free spirit, just driftin' from town to town, playin' my git-fiddle for a cup a' joe and a hot sandwich.

Iconferentz_medium /blank stare

Bobzookicon_medium Yep, just me, my git-fiddle Bessie, and the open road. That's all I ever needed. Well, I best get back to lookin' for Ronnie. Thanks for your time, mister!

Iconferentz_medium Uh... yeah.

Bobzookicon_medium /leaves

Iconferentz_medium Well, that was weird.

Iconokeefe_medium I'm glad he's gone. He smelled like dirty underwear!

Iconferentz_medium Shut up, Ken.

Iconferentz_medium Next!

Bim_brewster_icon_medium Why hello there, my name is Bim Brewster and I'm interested in the defensive coordinator position on your football team.

Iconferentz_medium Really, Tim?

Bim_brewster_icon_medium Tim? My name is Bim. You must be confusing me with some other rougishly handsome, stunningly qualified young coach. Haha! It's okay, it happens all the time.

Iconferentz_medium No, you're Tim Brewster. You were just here a minute ago. Except now you're wearing a really stupid disguises. Also, you're neither handsome nor qualified.

Bim_brewster_icon_medium Those are hurtful accusations.

Iconferentz_medium No, they're statements of fact.

Bim_brewster_icon_medium Handsomeness is a matter of opinion!

Iconokeefe_medium My mama always said it was the God's honest truth that I was the most handsomest boy in school.

Iconferentz_medium /rolls eyes

Iconferentz_medium Thanks, Ken. Want a coloring book?

Iconokeefe_medium Yay, colors!

Iconferentz_medium I think you need to leave, Tim.

Bim_brewster_icon_medium As I said, sir, my name is Bim, and I have a tremendous record of defensive accomplishments, staring with GO FIGHT TRY -- nuts.

Iconferentz_medium Seriously, Tim, this is getting really embarrassing now. It's time to go.

Bim_brewster_icon_medium RETURN AGAIN RESURRECT

Bim_brewster_icon_medium /walks out

Iconferentz_medium Next!

Mark_farley_icon_medium Hey, Kirk.

Iconferentz_medium Mark Farley?

Mark_farley_icon_medium Yessir.

Iconferentz_medium You want to be defensive coordinator here?

Mark_farley_icon_medium Yessir.

Iconferentz_medium But you're already a head coach. I thought you had a pretty good thing going up at UNI.

Mark_farley_icon_medium Yeah, it's pretty good. Been thinking I'd like to get back into the big time, though.

Iconferentz_medium Uh huh.

Mark_farley_icon_medium Let's talk scheme, coach. You still want to run a 4-3 defense?

Iconferentz_medium Yep.

Mark_farley_icon_medium Lots of cover-two?

Iconferentz_medium Pretty much.

Mark_farley_icon_medium Bend but don't break?

Iconferentz_medium You got it.

Mark_farley_icon_medium Great! You got a playbook I could borrow? You know, just to familiarize myself with the schemes?

Iconferentz_medium Uh, I didn't even hire you yet.

Mark_farley_icon_medium Sure, sure. I just want to make sure we're on the same page, that I'm reading your signals right.

Iconferentz_medium Don't we play UNI this year?

Mark_farley_icon_medium Do you? Why, I can't remember.

Iconferentz_medium ...

Iconferentz_medium Next!

Mark_farley_icon_medium Be seein' you in September, coach! Ha ha!

Mark_farley_icon_medium /struts out

Iconferentz_medium The nerve of that guy...

Iconferentz_medium Next!

Sixth_grader_icon_medium Hi.

Iconferentz_medium Uh, hi. And who are you?

Sixth_grader_icon_medium I'm Scottie Johnson. I heard you need a defense coach.

Iconferentz_medium Um.

Sixth_grader_icon_medium /pulls out lined notebook paper, clears throat

Sixth_grader_icon_medium There are many factors that go into being a defensive coordinator. Defense is what you do when you don't have the ball and the other team has the ball.

Iconokeefe_medium /nods energetically

Sixth_grader_icon_medium The defense tries to stop the offense from scoring points. Sometimes the defense even scores points themselves. That happens if they get a turnover.

Iconokeefe_medium I hate those!

Sixth_grader_icon_medium A turnover is when the defense takes the ball away from the offense. If the offense player drops the ball, you can pick it up. That's called a fumble. The defense player can also catch the ball when the offense quarterback throws it. That's called a interception.

Iconokeefe_medium Those are the worst!

Iconferentz_medium Shut up, Ken.

Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sometimes the defense doesn't get a turnover, though. Sometimes the defense makes the other team kick the ball. That's called a punt. My daddy says you punt too much, Coach Ferentz.

Iconokeefe_medium /giggles

Iconferentz_medium Does he now?

Sixth_grader_icon_medium Yep. Then he makes me get him another beer.

Iconferentz_medium Uh, how old are you?

Sixth_grader_icon_medium I'm in sixth grade.

Iconferentz_medium Uh huh. I think you might be a little young for this position, son. But, uh, thank you for your interest. Would you like a signed football?

Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sure!

Iconferentz_medium /signs football

Iconferentz_medium Here you go. Next!

Iconsecretary45_medium Um, there's no one else left, Coach Ferentz.

Iconferentz_medium ...crap.

Iconferentz_medium /chews gum

Iconferentz_medium /checks notepad

Iconferentz_medium Oh hell, just tell Phil the job is his already.

- fin -