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Indiana Brownlee and the Curse of the AIRBHG Staff

Iconbarta_medium Kirk, the defections are starting to get out of hand. McCall, Coker, now Derby, you better have a pretty good damn explanation.

Iconferentz_medium And I do sir, it's all AIRBHG's fault.

Iconbarta_medium Airbag? That doesn't make any sense.

Iconferentz_medium No, not Airbag. AIRBHG - Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God. I'm not one to believe in spirits or curses or that nonsense, but I heard about this on the AM radio, so you know its true.

Iconbarta_medium Let me get this straight. The reason players are leaving is not a stringent team code of conduct, unimaginative schemes or just plain stubbornness - it's a malevolent deity whose sole purpose of being is hating our running back corps.

Iconferentz_medium Yes sir.

Iconbarta_medium Iconbarta90_medium

Iconbarta_medium Oh... my... god. That's terrible. What can we do about this? Conduct a séance? Call an expert?

Iconferentz_medium Well, I was conducting a little research on the OnlineNet and I stumbled across something called Wiki Encyclopeida and there was an article about a certain staff that can weaken AIRBHG and stem his powers.

Iconbarta_medium That's great. Where is this staff?

Iconferentz_medium That's the thing, I don't know. But I do know somebody who might.

In a classroom in western Iowa

Sam_brownlee_medium ...Lincoln wanted a gentle reconstruction, after all his whole message was preserving the Union. Unfortunately, Lincoln's plan never came to be because on April 14th during a showing of "Our American Cousin," an actor, John Wilkes Booth, crept up the stairs, slowly opened the door knob and sh....

School_bell_medium Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng

Sam_brownlee_medium Ooops, well that's all for day. Read the rest of Chapter 16 and we'll pick up where we left off on Monday.

Students leave

Teenage_girl_medium (to another student) What do you think happened to Lincoln?

Teenage_boy_medium If I remember correctly, he killed the zombie John Wilkes Booth and then became a zombie hunter.

Kirk and Gary walk into the now empty classroom

Iconferentz_medium Here we are.

Sam_brownlee_medium Coach Ferentz! It's wonderful to see you again.

Iconbarta_medium Again?

Iconferentz_medium Gary, this is Sam Brownlee. Former running back and one of the few men to survive AIRBHG.

Sam_brownlee_medium Airbag?

Iconferentz_medium Exactly.

Sam_brownlee_medium Ummmm. OK. Now why did you gentlemen stop by?

Iconferentz_medium Remember that smooth piece of black wood you showed me back in 2004?

Sam_brownlee_medium Sure. I was out exploring the Iowa countryside and this small piece of weird black wood was sticking out of the ground and it was like something I had never seen before, so I pulled out my trusty pocket knife and cut off a piece for myself.

Iconferentz_medium We want you to go to that same spot and excavate the rest of that piece wood. We believe it is a staff that will help us control AIRBHG.

Sam_brownlee_medium Airbag?

Iconferentz_medium AIRBHG.

Iconbarta_medium Do you remember where the spot is?

Sam_brownlee_medium Of course, I recorded the coordinates in case in turned out to be valuable and I guess it is. The coordinates are in a box with piece of wo- oh shit. I totally forgot, I gave away the wood.

Iconferentz_medium To who?

Sam_brownlee_medium It was sort of like a passing of a torch thing among walk-on running backs.

Iconferentz_medium Oh no.

Cut to a seedy bar


Crowd cheers


Crowd cheers

Iconferentz_medium What a desolate place.

Sam_brownlee_medium It's Cedar Rapids coach.

Iconferentz_medium Hurry up, let's get this over with.

Sam_brownlee_medium (Yelling) Hey Paki! Good to see you again.

Pakiicon_medium Sam! What are you doing in my neck of the woods.

Iconferentz_medium Paki.

Pakiicon_medium Kirk Ferentz. I always knew some day you'd come walking back through my door. So, what are you doing in Cedar Rapids?

Iconferentz_medium We need that piece of wood that Sam gave you. Do you still have the box?

Pakiicon_medium I do, but you're certainly not touching it.

Iconferentz_medium Are you still mad about 2009?

Pakiicon_medium How could you start Robinson and Wegher ahead of me? I was young, you knew I couldn't handle the demotion.

Iconferentz_medium I never meant to hurt you, it was all AIRBHG's fault.

Pakiicon_medium Airbag?!

Iconferentz_medium AIRBHG.

Iconferentz_medium So just give Sam the box with the wood in it and we'll be on our merry way and leave you to your *snort* drinking contest.

Pakiicon_medium I'll give Sam the box, but you know what, I think I'd like to tag along.

Iconferentz_medium Fine, fine. Just get me that staff and we'll put an end to AIRBHG.

Sam_brownlee_mediumPakiicon_medium Airbag?

Iconferentz_medium AIRBHG

Somewhere in Northwest Iowa


Pakiicon_medium You had to wear that?

Sam_brownlee_medium Of course, I did. We're on our way to dig up something that could have some mythical value. Of course it's like Indiana Jones. And should you be the one talking, I can't even explain what you're wearing.

Pakiicon_medium It's not easy to look this good. And mythical value? We're looking for something that will protect Iowa from an airbag. I mean that's what he keep saying right? Airbag?

Sam_brownlee_medium Yeah, I don't get it either. Well according to what I wrote down, these are the coordinates. Look around for a protruding piece of black wood.

Pakiicon_medium Like that over there.


Sam_brownlee_medium Yes. That's it!

Paulrhoads_medium Thank you gentlemen. I'll take it from here.

Pakiicon_medium Paul Rhoads! What are you doing here?

Paulrhoads_medium We've been looking for this staff for five years now and never knew where to look. Then one of Mr. Brownlee's high school students overheard Coach Ferentz mention the staff and that you knew where it was.

Sam_brownlee_medium But why do you want it?

Paulrhoads_medium Don't you idiots get it, this staff controls AIRBHG. With it in my possession, Iowa will never start a running back again and soon Iowa State will reign supreme. Now gentlemen start digging.

Brownlee and O'Meara dig around the staff for the next 30 minutes, until it begins to start tipping

Paulrhoads_medium Alright, stand back. I'm about to pull this staff free and begin a new era as the Cyclone State.

Paki pulls Sam back

Sam_brownlee_medium What are you doing?

Pakiicon_medium It just dawned on me. Coach Ferentz wasn't saying Airbag. He was saying AIRBHG! The Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God!

Sam_brownlee_medium What does that even mean?

Pakiicon_medium Just grab hold of the piece of staff that we have. If this is anything like Indiana Jones then something bad is about to happen when that staff gets removed.

Paki and Sam both grab the small piece of staff as Rhoads pulls the remainder of the staff out of the ground

Paulrhoads_medium Wow, I can feel the power coursing through my veins. You are in deep trouble Canzeri and don't get me started on Brad Rogers.

Sam_brownlee_medium And that bad thing that's going to happen. It's going to be soon, right?

Pakiicon_medium Keep holding the staff.

Suddenly, the sky comes alive with fire and the winds begin to gust.

Paulrhoads_medium YES! YES! YES! YE--- oops

While celebrating, Rhoads gets caught by the wind and topples backwards into the recently dug hole, the staff flying from his hands.

Pakiicon_medium (yelling over the wind) Paul! Did you ever play running back in high school at Ankeny?

Paulrhoads_medium No, you idiot! I played some in middle school, but that's it. Now how about you numbskulls help me out of this pit.

Pakiicon_medium So technically you were an Iowa running back, right?

Paulrhoads_medium What? Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Suddenly, a tail of fire strikes Rhoads' knee and the Iowa State coach collapses on the ground



The winds blow harder and sends the staff, now glowing, straight into the air before sending it straight back to earth, impaling it again in the hole. Things become calm again.

Pakiicon_medium Alright, hurry up and grab the staff. And whatever you do, don't drop it.

Two days later

Iconferentz_medium I don't know what else to say, you two have just done the Iowa football program and this country a huge favor. A Cyclone Nation? That would be the apocalypse.

Sam_brownlee_medium Coach Ferentz, we've seen personally what this thing can do. I really think you should keep it in a secure place and even have a group of scientists study it.

Pakiicon_medium Yeah, that thing can be extremely dangerous in the wrong hands.

Iconbarta_medium Don't worry gentlemen, we have top men working on it right now.

Sam_brownlee_medium Who?

Iconbarta_medium Top... men.