Mike and Eric's Excellent Adventure

(EDIT: Bumped for general, er, excellence. -- RB)



Shortly after the Pitt game in the Iowa locker room

Ericguthrie_medium Dude, that was such an awesome game. It was like whoa, we were down 24-3 and then all of sudden we were winning. Excellent!

Mikemeyer_medium Yeah, I'm a little bummed about the missed field goals. I had them all lined up and then boom, I biffed it.

Ericguthrie_medium Hey get out of the dumps, man. We won, were going to the mall to celebrate. I need some more acid wash jeans and I'm hankering for an Orange Julius.

Mikedanielsicon_medium (exits showers): Alright, everyone's out. Showers all your special team dorks. Heh heh heh heh.

Snaps towel

Mikemeyer_medium Ouch. Watch it Daniels, I'll kick your ass.

 Mikedanielsicon_medium You'd probably miss anyway loser, now if you'll excuse me, I'm using Alvis to pick up chicks.


Ericguthrie_medium Hey don't worry about it. Those defenders are assholes.

Mikemeyer_medium He might be right though. I might miss.

Mike and Eric enter showers

10 minutes later

Ericguthrie_medium You're motorin' bum.. bum... bum... what's your price for flight





Parker2_medium Mike and Eric, I need your help.

Ericguthrie_medium Sure coach Parker, just let us get dressed.

Parker2_medium I'm not coach Parker, I'm his great great grandson from the future... Normus.

Ericguthrie_medium I've got to quit the shrooms before the game.

Parker2_medium I'm very real and I need your assistance.

Mikemeyer_medium Yeah, but why us?

Parker2_medium The Louisiana-Monroe game was the turning point of the Hawkeyes' 2011 season and you played a big part.

Ericguthrie_medium What happened?

Parker2_medium I can't tell you, but my Great Great Grandpa was never the same. My life has been a disaster and you're going to help me fix it.

Mikemeyer_medium How?

Parker2_medium By killing James Monroe.

Lights flicker off

 Mikedanielsicon_medium Are you douchebags still in here? God, you are such losers. (Screams out door) Ladies, the Beast is on the loose!



Parker2_medium Here's the time machine. Get in.

Ericguthrie_medium Okay (opens car door).

Parker2_medium Nope, the phone booth.

Mikemeyer_medium Are you shitting me? Are there seatbelts?

Parker2_medium It's a time machine. Just get in.

Ericguthrie_medium Dude, this is so much better than the mall. Here's a chance for a big adventure.

Mikemeyer_medium Okay. Let's do it. I'm in.

Eric and Mike enter phone booth, Normus gets in driver seat

Parker2_medium Alright close your eyes and count to 10.

Mikemeyer_medium Ericguthrie_medium One... two...

Norm guns the engine and Mike and Eric go head first into the phone booth knocking them unconscious

Parker2_medium Next stop Virginia.

Mike and Eric come to on a gravel road in a forested area

Mikemeyer_medium Where are we?

Parker2_medium Virginia. 1780.

Ericguthrie_medium Is this a gravel road?

Parker2_medium He's rich.

The car drives by a light pole

Mikemeyer_medium Is that a...

Parker2_medium Rich.

Ericguthrie_medium What are we going to do?

Parker2_medium Monroe is deciding whether to run for the Virginia House of Delegates. Were going to change his mind... by killing him. No more Monroe means no fifth president of the United States and no Louisiana-Monroe, I can certainly live in that world.

Mikemeyer_medium But doesn't that also mean that there won't be a Monroe Doctrine? Who knows how prosperous America would turn out with Europe meddling in the Western Hemisphere?

Parker2_medium I forgot that you special teams players are nerds. It'll be fine. Ahh were here


Ericguthrie_medium Is that a garage?

Parker2_medium How many times do I have to say it. This bastard's rich.

Man exits home


Powderedwigkirk2_medium  What is this machination that is parked in my home pathway and what is with the weird attire that you cads are dressed in?

Mikemeyer_medium Coach... Ferentz ?

Powderedwigkirk2_medium No, I don't want a coach. I have no need to enter the town today. I say good day to you Ferentz. I wish I could say that it was a pleasure meeting you, but it's not.

Parker2_medium I heard you are planning to run for Virginia House of Delagates.

Powderedwigkirk2_medium That might possibly be true, but I definitely would not share it with you. What are you wearing on your eyes?

Parker2_medium They're sunglasses dipshit. Now I have a question for you. Are you ready to die.

Powderedwigkirk2_medium I beg your pardon?

Parker2_medium (pulls out musket) Your time on this planet is over Monroe. Any last words.

Ericguthrie_medium Holy shit!

Mikemeyer_medium How did he fit that in his suit?

Powderedwigkirk2_medium Please don't shoot me. I have too much to live for. I will pay you (reaches in pocket) Umm. Umm. How about a shilling?

Parker2_medium That's not enough.

Powderedwigkirk2_medium (gets down on knees) Please, I'll do anything. Anything.

Parker2_medium Okay. Okay. Quit blubbering. If you stay out of politics, we'll let you live.

Powderedwigkirk2_medium Fine anything. I'll go back to farming.

Parker2_medium And to make sure. You don't forget, I'm going to have Mike here kick you square in the ass. So that every time you sit down you'll have a reminder to keep your butt out of politics.

Mikemeyer_medium What?

Parker2_medium Remember this is for my Great Great Grandfather and the Hawkeyes. Do it, how many people can say they kicked a President in the ass?

Mikemeyer_medium Umm okay.

Parker2_medium Well then Monroe - bend over.

Monroe bends over and Meyer boots him hard in the ass


Mikemeyer_medium Wow. That felt kind of good. That was a good kick.

Parker2_medium Well do it again then.

Powderedwigkirk2_medium What?

Meyer kicks Monroe in the ass again, even harder


Parker2_medium Fantastic. Alright gentlemen. Our work is done. Head back to the time machine, I'll be there in a minute.

Ericguthrie_medium I didn't even do anything and it still was a great.

Mikemeyer_medium Just awesome. Let's get back to Iowa City, so we can go to Cinnabon.

Mike and Eric leave

Iconferentz_medium All this for two missed kicks. You better be right.

Parker3_medium Hey, he has his confidence back. It was worth it. Plus, I think the musket was a great touch.

Iconferentz_medium You told me there'd be just one kick.

Parker3_medium The other one was for Iowa State.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

In This FanPost