[Oh come on, what happened to "no politics"?--ed]
I've decided to start gambling again. I get the urge every football season but I don't follow through. I'm not talking about an office pick 'em. I'm talking about dumping actual money into a market that's currently more volatile than Wall Street: Online Bookmakers. You may have heard about a couple online poker sites getting raided by Uncle Sam and a few sports books getting hammered as well so I figured now was a great time to get back in the game. You may choose to call me and my associates degenerates, and that's fine. As humans we're comforted by labeling and categorization. If it makes you feel better then call me names. I won't run from them nor will I hide in back alleys and seedy bars looking for a guy to take my action*. I'm unashamed as I stand before you, naked from the waist down, with a handful of green and the desire to prove that I know more than Vegas. This is what's going to happen. I'm going start with a stake, let's say $100. I'm going to place bets in the amount of 3%. We'll call those Harmons. I will win every bet and when the season concludes, this guy (who does not own his own home and lives in Minnesota) is going to buy a wave runner, in January. What else would a degenerate do? I will post (on a semi-regular basis) about my delicious victories and you can enjoy the sweet smell of success through the wonders of the internet.
To the bets!
* Your glossary of sweet gambling terms begins now. I will stymie you with a dizzying array of lingo matched only by the likes of Shakespeare and Snoop [ooh! A Snoop reference. Really got your thumb on the pulse there, JHC!--ed]
Big Ten: Who will have the most receiving yards per game?
B.J. Cunningham 11/4
Damarlo Belcher 7/2
Derek Moye 19/4
Jeremy Ebert 9/2
Marvin McNutt 5/2
Roy Roundtree 23/4
There are 2 types of gamblers. There are value bettors and winners. People who like value bets tend to like futures, which is what these types of bets are. You're laying money on something now against some severe odds hoping to get a big payoff in the end. You might put a little scratch on 3 longshots in hopes of a big payday at the end of the season. It's like a lottery ticket. I'd stay away from McNutt here. I'd feel better about putting a Harmon on B.J. Cunningham. I think Sparty is going to throw the ball with conviction.
Big Ten: Who will have the most receiving touchdowns?
B.J. Cunningham 11/4
Damarlo Belcher 3/1
Derek Moye 11/2
Jeremy Ebert 7/1
Marvin McNutt 5/2
Roy Roundtree 15/4
If jNWU played Iowa every week the obvious choice would be Ebert (no relation). But we all know this is a slam dunk for Marvin McNutt. I like this a lot. Put me down for a Harmon here.
Total Wins: Iowa
Over 8 +145
Under 8 -175
Have you seen the schedule? With this offense and a passable defense Iowa is a 9-10 win team. I also like the +145 number here. You bet $100 you win $145. That's great value. A Harmon on the Over.
Total Wins: Michigan
Over 7 -150
Under 7 +120
Are you willing to risk your money on the over here? I'm not. For me, I think Michigan is a 5 win team but I have a rule to never bet on anything involving the U.P. that doesn't involve incest or Pine Martens.
Total Wins: Nebraska
Over 10 +130
Under 10 -160
The idea that Nebraska's going to come into our house and win more than 10 games is silly. Remember when you were a Freshman in college? You didn't know where anything was. You didn't know not to eat the shrimp off the buffet at OCB. You didn't know that Fraternity means rape in every language but English. Well, Nebraska's a Freshman and they're getting raped by the Big Ten. Put a Harmon on the Under here, then just lay back and enjoy it.
Oregon (-3 1/2) vs LSU (@Cowboy Stadium in Dallas)
These are the second type of bets: Winners. There are 2 possible results and you pick one expecting a win. These are my preferred bets because I'm really smart and the thousands of game scenarios and computer models Vegas uses are no match for my wit. I know it was a long time ago, but I remember Oregon ending last season with a bad taste in their mouth. That taste? Nick Fairley's grundle. I know LSU's been working on their kicking game but I think LaMichael James and Darron Thomas will run a train on LSU. Put a Harmon on Oregon and enjoy the show because I think this is going to be a great game.
Boise State (-3 (-105)) vs Georgia (@Georgia Dome in Atlanta)
Georgia is not good. They haven't been for awhile. Herschel Walker isn't walking through that door. Matthew Stafford isn't walking through that door. Knowshon Moreno isn't walking through that door. Georgia hasn't had a winning record in 11 years (this may not be 100% true). I'm not sold on Kellen Moore. He's one of those guys that's great when everything goes as planned but when one thing goes wrong he gets a little skittish. So believe me, this isn't an endorsement of Boise State (and their myopian fanbase) insomuch as an indictment of the fall of the Bulldogs. They don't have it anymore and everyone knows it but them. Put a Harmon on Boise State. It's the only way to be satisfied with a Bronco win.
That was a good talk.