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Iowa Corn And The Indecent Proposal

[INT. Iowa State athletic offices]

Iconpollard_medium ... well, of course I appreciate the thought, Mr. Dodds, but I don't know if Texas State University at Ames is really how we want to brand ourselves right now.

Speakericon_medium BZZZZ

Iconronald_medium Sir, you have some visitors.

Iconpollard_medium Sorry, Mr. Dodds.  Gotta run -- I promise I'll, uh, get back to you on your suggestion soon.

Iconpollard_medium Who is it?

Iconronald_medium It's a group of representatives from Iowa Corn.

Iconpollard_medium Oh thank god.  Send 'em in.

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Jamie!  Hot damn, you ol' fish-faced sonuvagun!

Iconpollard_medium Uh...

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Okay, let's cut the chit-chat and get straight to business, Jamie.  I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.

Iconpollard_medium /gasp

Iconpollard_medium An indecent proposal?!  Sir, I appreciate the offer, but I don't think the missus will go for that, so -- 

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Jamie, I don't want to fuck your wife.

Iconpollard_medium Oh.  Well, that's a relief -- 

Iowa_corn_prez_medium No.  I want to buy your whole got-damn program, son.

Iconpollard_medium -- she would have been pretty cross with ol' Jamie and, wait, what?

Iowa_corn_prez_medium I said I want to buy up the entire athletic department, son.

Iconpollard_medium Um...

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Now, I ain't gonna blow smoke up yer ass just to make ya feel good.  You weren't my first choice.  But Barta just laughed at me and lit some BTN checks on fire and threw 'em at me.

Iconpollard_medium Well, the thing is ol' Iowa State's financial situation is actually looking pretty rosy these days.  Dan Beebe got us this big fat TV rights increase and -- 

Iowa_corn_prez_medium That's great, but those deals are gonna be about as useful as employin' a eunuch in a whorehouse because the Big 12 ain't gonna exist in five years, son.

Iconpollard_medium Now, that's just not true!  Mr. Dodds promised me that he'd keep us all together.

Iowa_corn_prez_medium And you bought that line of bullshit?  Son, DeLoss Dodds would whore out his mother if he thought he could get a few nickels out of it.  

Iconpollard_medium /blushes

Iconpollard_medium I don't understand, though.  If you don't think we'll even be in the Big 12, why would you want to buy us?

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Ha!  I don't care who you play or how good you are.  I thought we'd already proven that we don't care if we're associated with shit.

Iconpollard_medium I'm still confused.

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Son, we just want you as a tax write-off.  

Iconpollard_medium Is that even legal?  

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Ha!  Oh man, you're a funny guy, Jamie.  Funny, funny guy.

Iconpollard_medium Well -- 

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Now there would have to be a few changes, of course.

Iconpollard_medium Changes?

Iowa_corn_prez_medium I don't think they'll be any big deal.  You guys haven't exactly been too shy about switching things up.

Iconpollard_medium Uh, you see -- 

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Aw, it don't matter.  Hell, the national media don't even know what your name is.  So we're gonna change it.  I'm thinking The Iowa State Cornlovers presented by Iowa Corn.  Really rolls off the tongue, don't ya think?

Iconpollard_medium ...

Iowa_corn_prez_medium We'll be changing the helmets, of course.  Again.

Iconpollard_medium Uh, well -- 

Iowa_corn_prez_medium And we'll be replacing your goofy old mascot with Captain Corn here.

Captain_corn_medium Good morrow, sir!  

Cy_icon_medium MEEP MEEP?

Captain_corn_medium Pray pardon me, sir, but you are wearing no breeches.

Cy_icon_medium MEEP MEEP

Captain_corn_medium Be that as it may, your slovenly appearance makes you appear quite arsy varsy and rather lacking in culture.

Cy_icon_medium MEEP?

Captain_corn_medium Alas, 'tis true.  Your uncouth behavior and wine-besotted demeanor betrays your low-class upbringing.

Iconpollard_medium Oh now you're just being mean.  Cy's been clean and sober for eight years now.

Captain_corn_medium Sir, I fear once the demon firewater has sunk its talons deep within a man, he shall never again be free of its deadly temptations and sweet siren song.

Iowa_corn_prez_medium Enough already!  You nancy-boys are just makin' me thirsty.  So how 'bout it, Jamie?  Are you gonna take my offer?

Iconpollard_medium Er, how much were you offering again?

Speakericon_medium YAHOOO!

Iconpollard_medium What the heck?

The door to Pollard's office swings open dramatically

Charles_robinson_icon_medium Have a seat, Jamie.

Iconpollard_medium But I'm already sitting.

Charles_robinson_icon_medium /ignores him

Charles_robinson_icon_medium Do you know who I am, Jamie?

Iconpollard_medium Mr. Pollard will be fine, thank you.

Charles_robinson_icon_medium /still ignores him

Charles_robinson_icon_medium I'm Charles Robinson, crack investigative reporter for Yahoo! Sports.  And you, sir, have just been SCANDAL'D.

Iconpollard_medium aw fudge

Charles_robinson_icon_medium You probably want to know how I broke down your walls of lies, your insulation of half-truths, and your drywall of outright fabrications, don't you?

Iconpollard_medium That is a painfully strained metaphor.

Charles_robinson_icon_medium /yet again ignoring him

Charles_robinson_icon_medium It all started earlier this off-season, when I was in Iowa to investigate your big brother program, the University of Iowa --

Iconpollard_medium Actually, according to the Board of Regents, we're equals.

Charles_robinson_icon_medium /oblivious

Charles_robinson_icon_medium That rhabdomyolysis debacle seemed like it had the potential to be one hell of a scandal.  You can imagine my disappointment when that just fizzled out.  

Iconpollard_medium ...

Charles_robinson_icon_medium But then I noticed your uncommonly high placement in the Fulmer Cup.  I was intrigued!  Perhaps I was focusing on the wrong program in the Hawkeye state! 

Iconpollard_medium /sighs

Charles_robinson_icon_medium At first, I was dismayed that they were mainly just penny-ante drinking charges, but it takes more than that to throw the Chuckster off a story!  My journalistic nose kept at it.  Because the nose knows, Jamie.  The nose knows!

Iconpollard_medium But we weren't doing anything else illegal -- 

Charles_robinson_icon_medium So I set up camp in this cow pasture you call a college campus.  I interviewed hundreds of residents, I dug through your garbage, I tapped your phones...

Iconpollard_medium Okay, now that definitely sounds illegal.  

Charles_robinson_icon_medium And it was that last action that landed the smoking gun in my lap: proof of you accepting bribes!

Iconpollard_medium You know, I didn't actually accept anything, so -- 

Charles_robinson_icon_medium /completely unaware anyone else is talking

Charles_robinson_icon_medium How does a little "lack of institutional control" sound for this here "rogue program," Jamie?

Iconpollard_medium    Plollard_medium

Charles_robinson_icon_medium On campuses tiny and on campuses mighty, no scandal shall escape my sight!

Iconpollard_medium I hate my life.