[INT. Iowa State athletic offices]
... well, of course I appreciate the thought, Mr. Dodds, but I don't know if Texas State University at Ames is really how we want to brand ourselves right now.
BZZZZ
Sorry, Mr. Dodds. Gotta run -- I promise I'll, uh, get back to you on your suggestion soon.
Who is it?
It's a group of representatives from Iowa Corn.
Jamie! Hot damn, you ol' fish-faced sonuvagun!
Okay, let's cut the chit-chat and get straight to business, Jamie. I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
An indecent proposal?! Sir, I appreciate the offer, but I don't think the missus will go for that, so --
Jamie, I don't want to fuck your wife.
No. I want to buy your whole got-damn program, son.
-- she would have been pretty cross with ol' Jamie and, wait, what?
I said I want to buy up the entire athletic department, son.
Now, I ain't gonna blow smoke up yer ass just to make ya feel good. You weren't my first choice. But Barta just laughed at me and lit some BTN checks on fire and threw 'em at me.
Well, the thing is ol' Iowa State's financial situation is actually looking pretty rosy these days. Dan Beebe got us this big fat TV rights increase and --
That's great, but those deals are gonna be about as useful as employin' a eunuch in a whorehouse because the Big 12 ain't gonna exist in five years, son.
Now, that's just not true! Mr. Dodds promised me that he'd keep us all together.
And you bought that line of bullshit? Son, DeLoss Dodds would whore out his mother if he thought he could get a few nickels out of it.
I don't understand, though. If you don't think we'll even be in the Big 12, why would you want to buy us?
Ha! I don't care who you play or how good you are. I thought we'd already proven that we don't care if we're associated with shit.
Son, we just want you as a tax write-off.
Ha! Oh man, you're a funny guy, Jamie. Funny, funny guy.
Now there would have to be a few changes, of course.
I don't think they'll be any big deal. You guys haven't exactly been too shy about switching things up.
Aw, it don't matter. Hell, the national media don't even know what your name is. So we're gonna change it. I'm thinking The Iowa State Cornlovers presented by Iowa Corn. Really rolls off the tongue, don't ya think?
We'll be changing the helmets, of course. Again.
And we'll be replacing your goofy old mascot with Captain Corn here.
Good morrow, sir!
MEEP MEEP?
Pray pardon me, sir, but you are wearing no breeches.
MEEP MEEP
Be that as it may, your slovenly appearance makes you appear quite arsy varsy and rather lacking in culture.
MEEP?
Alas, 'tis true. Your uncouth behavior and wine-besotted demeanor betrays your low-class upbringing.
Oh now you're just being mean. Cy's been clean and sober for eight years now.
Sir, I fear once the demon firewater has sunk its talons deep within a man, he shall never again be free of its deadly temptations and sweet siren song.
Enough already! You nancy-boys are just makin' me thirsty. So how 'bout it, Jamie? Are you gonna take my offer?
Er, how much were you offering again?
What the heck?
The door to Pollard's office swings open dramatically
Have a seat, Jamie.
But I'm already sitting.
/ignores him
Do you know who I am, Jamie?
Mr. Pollard will be fine, thank you.
/still ignores him
I'm Charles Robinson, crack investigative reporter for Yahoo! Sports. And you, sir, have just been SCANDAL'D.
aw fudge
You probably want to know how I broke down your walls of lies, your insulation of half-truths, and your drywall of outright fabrications, don't you?
That is a painfully strained metaphor.
/yet again ignoring him
It all started earlier this off-season, when I was in Iowa to investigate your big brother program, the University of Iowa --
Actually, according to the Board of Regents, we're equals.
/oblivious
That rhabdomyolysis debacle seemed like it had the potential to be one hell of a scandal. You can imagine my disappointment when that just fizzled out.
...
But then I noticed your uncommonly high placement in the Fulmer Cup. I was intrigued! Perhaps I was focusing on the wrong program in the Hawkeye state!
/sighs
At first, I was dismayed that they were mainly just penny-ante drinking charges, but it takes more than that to throw the Chuckster off a story! My journalistic nose kept at it. Because the nose knows, Jamie. The nose knows!
But we weren't doing anything else illegal --
So I set up camp in this cow pasture you call a college campus. I interviewed hundreds of residents, I dug through your garbage, I tapped your phones...
Okay, now that definitely sounds illegal.
And it was that last action that landed the smoking gun in my lap: proof of you accepting bribes!
You know, I didn't actually accept anything, so --
/completely unaware anyone else is talking
How does a little "lack of institutional control" sound for this here "rogue program," Jamie?
On campuses tiny and on campuses mighty, no scandal shall escape my sight!
I hate my life.