With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.
Date: October 1
"Player:" Royce Bonenberger
What you need to know:
Who is this jabroni?
He's a 5' 10" 170lb bartender from Libertyville (or whatever northern Chicago suburb you want), IL
What has he accomplished?
Made up a fake resume claiming he had 2 years of bartending experience at Mickey Finn's. Luckily, his fratbro was the hiring manager so it didn't really matter but he wanted to cover all his bases. He's mastered the art of the long pour for the ladies and serving straight Diet Cokes to the GDI's. He is capable of eye-fucking a girl on the other side of the bar while over-charging some dude who looks like a weak tipper. Has a keen ability to look straight past some guy who has been waiting for 25 minutes so he can serve the hot chick standing behind him. Holds single-night record for fist bumps with 174.
Why should you be concerned about him?
- Once made a cocktail so strong that it got Riley Reiff drunk enough to run shirtless through Pita Pit while evading police officers.
- Secretly put so much alcohol into Shaun Prater's Coca-Cola that he got a DUI.
- Tricked James Ferentz into getting a Possession of Alcohol Under the Legal Age. In fact, the sneaky fucker got him again 6 months later.
- Lured Jewel Hampton into a bar and got him a ticket for being underage while simultaneously serving Jordan Bernstein enough booze to make him uncooperative with police.
Why should you not be worried about him?
- He's not working that weekend because he's driving to St Louis to catch a Dave Matthews Band concert on Friday night. Dave Matthews Band fucking rocks. Also, Dane Cook is performing at the Fox Theatre and he knows a guy down there that might be able to get him tickets, so he may stick around for that. It's not a guarantee, but he's totally going to check it out. That would be so badass.
What is the most likely outcome?
Kirk Ferentz breaks all of his teeth by stuffing that shitty new Cy-Hawk Trophy right down his fucking throat.
"You got iced,brah!"
Predicted Stat Line: 0 arrests