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Tiny Alvis

If you don't get this post, it's OK. Obscure 90's SNL reference here.
Scene: Iowa Hawkeyes Media Day, one week ago

Iconferentz_medium So Randy, I guess I would tell you I'm not really much of an expert on how much time you should spend in a tanning bed.  You should probably consult with a dermatologist.
Randypetersonicon_medium Thanks, Coach.
Iconferentz_medium Next question...Morehouse.
Iconmarcmo_medium Coach, the big question mark this season obviously has to be the defensive line.  You have to replace three starters who are all now playing in the NFL, including one of the best defensive ends in program history.  Who do you think will contribute, and what are their strengths and weaknesses.
Iconferentz_medium Well, obvioulsy, Daniels and Binns will start.  Both Mike and Broderick are special football players and provide much-needed leadership on our young defense.  Broderick might have taken a bit of a step back last year...
Iconferentz_medium /makes backhand shoving motion gesture-type thing
Iconferentz_medium ...but he's come to camp ready to compete, and we think he'll be there at the end of the day.
Iconferentz_medium On the other end, we expect to see Lebron Ja...I mean Daniel.  Whoops.  Yeah, definitely Lebron Daniel.  He's a bit injury-prone and doesn't have a ton of experience, but he's a great athlete.  Two-sport star, if you know what I mean.  He tells me every day he can't wait to take his talents down to Lincoln.
Iconferentz_medium And in the other tackle spot, we're looking pretty hard at Dominic Alvis.  He's tenacious, he's observant, his teammates love him.  It's just that he's a bit undersized.
Iconmarcmo_medium How undersized are we talking here, Coach?  At what weight did he enter camp?
Iconferentz_medium He's down a little bit from last year.  He currently weighs about 35 pounds.
Iconmarcmo_medium I'm sorry, did you say 235?
Iconferentz_medium No, 35.  Three.  Five.  35 pounds.
Iconmarcmo_medium You're telling me you have a 35-pound defensive tackle?
Haddy_medium The UI expects no further comment at this time.
Iconmarcmo_medium Wait just a second...
Iconferentz_medium Marc, if you have any questions, just go talk to him.  He's outside with the other players and available for interview.

Meanwhile, on the practice field outside, Tiny Alvis talks with Broderick Binns and Mike Daniels

Alvisicon_medium Hey Mike, Broderick: You fellas ready to play this year?
Absolutely, Tiny Alvis!
Mikedanielsicon_medium Ready to take care of business, Tiny A!
Alvisicon_medium That's good, guys. That's real good.
Alvisicon_medium Hey man, check out that football.
Alvisicon_medium That thing is huuuuuuuge.

Broderickbinnsicon_medium LOL
Mikedanielsicon_medium LOL
Broderickbinnsicon_medium  You're right, Tiny Alvis! That is one big football!
Mikedanielsicon_medium You're right on again, Tiny A!
Alvisicon_medium I mean, I don't know how I'd ever throw that thing.  It's enormous.
Mikedanielsicon_medium LOL You've got that right, Tiny A!  You're really funny!
Broderickbinnsicon_medium That's why you're the tiny starting defensive tackle!
Alvisicon_medium Hey man, look at that water bottle over there.
Alvisicon_medium That thing is huuuuuuuge.
Broderickbinnsicon_medium LOL
Mikedanielsicon_medium LOL
Alvisicon_medium Man, I'll never be able to drink all that water.  That's way too much!
Broderickbinnsicon_medium Good one, Tiny Alvis!
Mikedanielsicon_medium Score another one for the Tiny A!
Alvisicon_medium Man, I could drown in that huuuuuge water bottle!
Broderickbinnsicon_medium Yeah, I bet you could!
Mikedanielsicon_medium You should go over and swim in it!
Broderickbinnsicon_medium Maybe do the backstroke!
Mikedanielsicon_medium That would be really cute!
Alvisicon_medium Whoa whoa whoa, hold up a second, man. What are you sayin'?
Mikedanielsicon_medium Wuh...wuh...what's the matter, Tiny A?
Alvisicon_medium You calling me cute, man?
Mikedanielsicon_medium I'm sorry, Tiny Alvis.
Alvisicon_medium I'm not cute, man! I got two years in Chris Doyle's weight program! I can climb up your body and scissor kick you in the nipple!
Mikedanielsicon_medium You're right, Tiny A. I'm sorry.
Broderickbinnsicon_medium Aw, c'mon, Tiny A. He was just kidding.
Alvisicon_medium Aw hell, let's take some pictures.
Iconpresser_medium Dominic!  Mike!  Can we get a picture of you two together?
Alvisicon_medium Why sure.


Alvisicon_medium There ya go.
Iconpresser_medium That picture sure is cute.
Alvisicon_medium What? You callin' me cute?
Iconpresser_medium No, Dominic, I just meant the pic...
Alvisicon_medium You just meant you think I'm cute!  You're lucky I don't climb that chain link fence and come at you like a lemur.
Alvisicon_mediumYou call me cute.  I'm a starting defensive tackle in the Big Ten Conference.  It's the Big Ten, not the Cute Ten.
Iconpresser_medium Sorry, Dominic, I didn't mean to offend you.
Alvisicon_medium Aw hell, are there any other questions?
Iconmarcmo_medium Yeah, Dominic, I have a couple.
Iconmarcmo_medium First, are you out of your mind?  There's no way you can play at your current size and survive the season.
Alvisicon_medium You saying I can't play?  Here, watch this.
Alvisicon_medium Hey Reiff, you sonuvabitch.  Bring it on.


Alvisicon_medium There, that enough for you?
Iconferentz_medium I think he's proven you wrong, Marc.
Iconmarcmo_medium Proven me wrong?  You've lost the plot, Coach.  He latched onto Reiff's leg and held on for 4 seconds.  What are you going to do against Nebraska?
Bobbrooksicon_medium  AND WHAT ABOUT MICHHHHIGAN?
Iconferentz_medium Hey Alvis, check out Brooksy's tape recorder.
Alvisicon_medium That thing is huuuuuuuuge.
Iconferentz_medium LOL
Mikedanielsicon_medium LOL
Broderickbinnsicon_medium LOL