Good day, I'm Luke Fickell, head coach of The Ohio State Buckeyes, and since this is my first time at The Big Ten Media Days, I thought I'd break The ice by opening with a joke: I just saw this is in The news. Did you see this? Did you see this? The NCAA has decided not to slap The dreaded "Failure to Monitor" label on The Ohio State athletic department. But what The NCAA doesn't know -- and here's The joke -- is that The athletic department knew everything from The very beginning. Furthermore, I have tapes, transcripts, photos, videos, receipts, DNA samples, used tattoo needles, and a suitcase full of gold pants to prove it, all hidden in an undisclosed location.
Well, The Ohio State University athletic department gave me this sweatervest on my first day. Funny story. I went to The old coach's office -- you know, The big one, with The mahogany desk and The cognac and The signed photos of Woody Hayes and Archie Griffin -- and they told me that office was under construction and redirected me to my new office, which was actually my old office, which is actually a cubicle. But I didn't hear any sawing or hammering.
Oh, well when I got to my new-old office, they had this waiting for me. It's stenciled all nice-like, and they say it's a game-worn original with "authentic smell and staining". Those guys really go The extra mile.
Don't you find this treatment kind of offensive? I mean, you were named the head coach -- you're not just an interim coach anymore.
Humor. Like that joke I told you earlier. It's a good joke, huh? Well, I have more jokes just like it. Whole books of them. Massive binders of jokes. All in undisclosed locations. And I'm, hey, I'm a funny guy, you know. I like to talk. I'm thinking of going to some open mics, bringing my props .... [ominously] ALL MY PROPS ... and telling my jokes.
Daniel Ellsberg... and Gallagher.