Down in the depths of multipurpose room 3 of the Richard Jacobson Athletic Building

Alright gentlemen, it’s the start of a new year. Before we kick things off, let’s take roll. Ken..

Huh?

  Norm....

honks golf cart horn

  Erik...

  Yeah

   Darrell....

  Here

  Doyle?

  Kill!

 Other Eric...

  mumbles

  What?

  mumbles

 Okay, moving on — J Leman...

 America!

  Ace…

  Arf (present)

Okay, everybody is accounted for. Gentlemen, I gathered you here this morning for one reason. Last year cannot happen again. Things would start great, we’d be balanced, we’d have some flavor, it looked like things would be good all game. Then what happens? Things became stale, we were flat and most of the time things turned out tasteless. So I want your ideas to make sure nothing like last year happens again.

  Silence

   Well if nobody will speak up I will. Thirty-five years ago, I was on a vacation in Europe with the missus. We’re touring around the French countryside and having the world’s best sex in some of the seediest hotels imaginable, it was the best vacation ever and we’re walking down a street in Paris and who do we run into? Joseph Namath, wearing some goddamn hippie fur coat and with a crowd of about  nine hundred ladies and I tell my better half: ‘there’s Joe Namath’ and my wife looks back at me and goes ‘which girl?’ and I collapse, dying laughing, I mean I nearly vomitted an entire steak and just as Namath passed by I chopped blocked his knee and he was never the same. True story.

  And your suggestion for this year?

  Base 4-3 defense, did you not hear a word of that entire story.

  Anybody else?

  Okay, hear me out. We got a single back set and we hand the ball off to Adrian Clayborn and he bowls over every single player on the defense, running into the end zone.

 Woof (Fuck yeah!)

  Ken have you been talking with your roommate again? Plus Adrian is in Tampa right now.

  Have we thought about blitzing more?

Everybody laughs

 Blitzing is for women and Joe Namath

 If I might pipe in, we might be playing with a bunch of girls this year. I was just in the weight room yesterday and you know what the players were doing? Bench press! Are you kidding me?! How is that a power lift, so I made those players do 50 power squats and then 100 dead lifts. I have a boner just thinking about it.

  That doesn’t sound too safe just days before practice, but you did not win that coaching award for being Mr. Warm and fuzzy.

  Have we thought about 24-hour screenings of Captain America? Every time they show it I get a 25 cent royalty.

 These are all good ideas, but we are not at the heart of the problem. So I will ask and I want honest answers: Wint-o-green or Big Red?

 (To Darrell Wilson) He’s talking about his gum again

  We’re out of here.

 Guys where do you think you’re going. This is the difference between 6-6 and 10-2.

  I’ve always been partial to Bubble Yum.

  Shut up Ken

 Hey guys, I hope I’m not bothering you but Kirk I need to talk to you.

  Can this wait?

  Okay, we’ll touch on this tomorrow. I’ll see you then.

Everybody leaves

Well, that didn’t tell me anything. What a waste of money.

Takes off mask

  Now we’ll have to cancel those Rhodes 50-cent pieces

  (Cell phone rings)

  Dan Beebe? Yes, I am interested in a Cyclone Network, tell me more.

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