Hey, it's our belated tribute to Cinco de Mayo, BHGP-style...
In the early morning hours at Casa O'Keefe...
... hello? What time is it?
IT'S KICKASS O'CLOCK, KENNY! TIME TA RISE AND SHINE!
...Norm?
GOTDAMN RIGHT, IT'S OL' NORM. GET YER ASS OUTTA BED, KENNY. WE'RE TAKIN' A TRIP.
What? A trip? Where are we going? Does Kirk need us to recruit?
HAHA, NO SIREE, THIS AIN'T NO RECRUITIN' TRIP. OL' NORM DOESN'T GO IN FOR THAT CIRCLE-JERK NONSENSE ANYWAYS.
Um, so where are we going?
WE'RE GOING TA MEXICO!
Mexico?! Good heavens, why would we go down there?
EASY. IT'S TIME TA MAKE A MAN OUTTA YOU, KENNY.
But I'm a man! I'm 57!
HAHA. YER MIDDLE-AGED, BUT YOU AIN'T A MAN, KENNY. LEASTWAYS, NOT YET YOU AIN'T. BUT YOU JUST WAIT 'TIL OL' UNCLE NORM GETS THROUGH WITH YOU.
...
So where are we going? The sun and sands of Cancun? I could use a little work on my tan, I suppose...
CANCUN? AW HELL NO, WE AIN'T GOIN' TO THAT TOURIST TRAP SHITHOLE WITH THE NUMBNUTS COLLEGE KIDS AN' THE OVERPRICED DRINKS.
Nuts. Don't tell Kirk this but I always wanted to let my hair down and go a little wild and crazy. You know, untuck my shirt, drink non-virgin daquiris, stay out past 9pm...
HAHA, WE'LL BE GETTIN' PLENTY WILD AN' CRAZY. YER GONNA GET A TASTE OF THE REAL, AUTHENTIC MEXICO, KENNY. WE'RE GOIN' TA TIJUANA!
(gasps) Tijuana! Holy smokes, isn't that where all the gangs and druglords are?
AND THE WHORES. DON'T BE FORGETTIN' ABOUT THE WHORES NOW.
But Tijuana's dangerous, though! Super-dangerous!
DON'T YOU WORRY NONE. OL' NORM AIN'T GONNA LET NOTHIN' HAPPEN TO YA. NOW GET YER ASS READY, WE'RE LEAVIN' IN AN HOUR.
* * *
Later, at a hotel in Tijuana...
DAMMIT, KENNY, AIN'T YOU READY YET? TIME'S A-WASTIN' AND WE AIN'T BOOZIN' AND WHORIN' YET!
Well, I just want to look good! You said we're going to a show!
HAHA! IT AIN'T NO FANCY SHOW WE'RE GOIN' TO, KENNY. WE'RE GOIN' TA A DONKEY SHOW!
Oh! I love animals.
/steps out
How do I look?
LIKE A FUCKIN' DICKHEAD. PULL YER PANTS DOWN AN' PUT ON A SHIRT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TA PUNCH YOU.
/pouts
Fine.
* * *
Holy moley, Tijuana is crazy! I think I saw a guy get stabbed on our way over here. And that guy outside tried to sell me some booger sugar!
SNNNNNNFFFFFFFFF
OHHH YEAH, THAT'S THE STUFF ALRIGHT.
Norm! That's cocaine!
OL' NORM JUST NEEDS TA GET THE PARTY STARTED RIGHT, KENNY. GET THE OL' JUICES FLOWIN' AN' THE HEART POUNDIN' LIKE AN' F-18.
Well, it just seems danger -- oh, hey, there's the donkey! Can we go pet it?
HAHA, I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE WANTIN' TA DO THAT.
Why not, what's going to happen? Hey, what's that young lady doing taking her clothes off --
/chuckles
What's that donkey doing --
OH MY GOD
SWEET LORD JESUS
/vomits
/vomits again
What just happened? What was that? I mean, there was the girl -- and the donkey -- and --
/vomits
HAHA, THAT RIGHT THERE WAS A DONKEY SHOW, KENNY!
That was the show?! But there were no showtunes! There was no dancing!
YOU JUST NEED TA GET SOME BOOZE IN YA, THEN YOU'LL BE FINE.
Well, maybe a little alcohol is what I need to make me forget about that... can you get me a strawberry daquiri?
HELL NO. WE'RE MAKIN' A MAN OUTTA YOU, WHICH MEANS YER GONNA DRINK A MAN'S DRINK.
BARKEEP, TEQUILA AND LOTS OF IT!
Si, Señor.
BOTTOMS UP, KENNY.
/pounds back three shot glasses consecutively
(gulp)
Well, what's the worst thing that could happen?
/tips back shot glass
* * *
The next morning, back at the Tijuana hotel...
Ohhh...
Owww...
Norm, make this jackhammer in my head go away...
/gets up, heads to bathroom
/vomits
Well, I guess I should see about getting cleaned up and getting some breakfast...
/looks in mirror
OH NO! NOT YOU! NO NO NO! DR. FIELGUD GOT RID OF YOU!
I'M BAAAAACK
ohnononononononononononono
This is not happening this is not happening this not --
Oh, it most definitely is.
That's not my ringtone.
I know. I changed it last night after the tenth tequila shot.
Hello?
KENNY? IT'S NORM. I'M IN A BIT OF A PICKLE WITH SOME FEDERALES. THINGS GOT A MITE OUTTA CONTROL LAST NIGHT WITH THE COKE AND THE LIQUOR.
What happened?
IT'S ALL A BLUR, BUT I REMEMBER SOME BRAWLIN' AND PUNCHIN' A HORSE AND THEN RUNNIN' FROM A GANG OF ORGAN THIEVES AND COKE DEALERS. OH, AND A DEAD WHORE, TOO. SHE'S IN THE BATHTUB, I THINK.
/turns around, looks in bathtub
OH MY GOD
There's a dead prostitute in our bathtub, Norm!
YOU DON'T GOTTA USE FANCY WORDS.
But what are we gonna do?
WELL, I RECKON --
/KNOCK KNOCK
Señor? La policía! We would like to ask you a few questions.
ohmygodohmygodohmygod
You know what you have to do.
NO!
You don't have a choice.
NO!
Just give in. Let me take care of things.
Señor?
Come on. Do it. Do it. Do it.
...okay.
[insert ominous sound signifying... something]
HAHA! KOKAINE RIDES AGAIN!
/to be continued...
HOW WILL KEN O'KEEF -- er, KOKAINE GET OUT OF THIS JAM?
WILL HE BE IN TIME TO HELP NORM?
JUST HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET OUT OF MEXICO?
AND HOW DID THE HOOKER DIE ANYWAY?