It's been a while since we had any news about Iowa's 2011 football recruiting efforts; fortunately, BHGP's top-secret INSIDE SOURCEZ have dug up some promising information on some potential members of this year's class. So without further ado...
OZZIE (VELOCIRAPTOR)
PROJECTED POSITION: Defensive end; unstoppable rushing the passer
PROS: Experienced pack hunter works well in team setting. Despite small size, able to go around, above, under, or straight through blockers. Definitely has a killer instinct.
CONS: All too willing to disembowel, dismember, decapitate, and otherwise demolish hapless players that get in his way, which would probably draw a few 15-yard unnecessary roughness penalties. Not that friendly with non-velociraptors.
DENVER, THE LAST DINOSAUR
(That's him in the center.)
PROJECTED POSITION: Offensive guard; questionable mean streak, but a big damn body to move on the line.
PROS: Is really, really big. Wide base will make him difficult to move off the line of scrimmage. Can perform impromptu rock concerts at halftime if necessary.
CONS: Wearing pink sunglasses seems to indicate the sort of "me first" attitude that's bound to get him in Ferentz's doghouse. Propensity to skateboard around campus seems very dangerous (to self and fellow students). Name seems misleading. Is friends with this kid, who wears the dumbest hat ever. What the fuck is that thing?
BOOG (THE MISSING LINK)
PROJECTED POSITION: Strong safety or linebacker; very raw coverage skills, but a powerful hitter.
PROS: Possesses phenomenal ape-like strength. Likes to hit things (usually with a club).
CONS: Possesses not-so-phenomenal ape-like intellect and limited communication skills. Is a little on the short side. Poor hygiene habits could make him an unpopular teammate. Not this guy or this guy.
MILOS (CENTAUR)
PROJECTED POSITION: ATH; anywhere he damn well pleases -- he has the strength, speed, and agility of a horse combined with the brainpower and dexterity of a man; what can't he do on a football field?
PROS: He's half-horse, half-man. He can run faster and jump higher than anyone else. He's nigh-impossible to tackle or block. He can catch. He can throw. And we all know horses can kick.
CONS: May not have great stamina. If he does get hurt, he's probably headed to the glue factory.
We can only hope that our long-held desire for a centaur player finally comes true this year.