MARCHIFORNICATION, THE FINAL FOURNICATION: RICKY STANZI VS. CAPTAIN AMERICA HERKY

THE SECOND SEED: RICKY STANZI

How He Got Here: Defeated DJK 523-283. Defeated Fran McCaffery 425-236. Woke up with a visitor.

THE FIFTH SEED: CAPTAIN AMERICA HERKY

How He Got Here: Defeated Matt Gatens Legacy by Montreal Screwjob. Defeated AIRBHG by impotence meltdown. Might not be the actual Captain America Herky.

Final Four, baby!
Only two more wins and Marchifornication is mine!
It wouldn't be possible without this costume
Well, this costume and my senior advisor, the mysterious Birk Berentz.
Speaking of which, I need my strategy. Time to dial up Birk.
beep beep boop beep boop
Please hold while your call is being connected
HEY SOUL SISTER AHHHH MISTER MISTER ON THE RADIO THE WAY YOU MOVE AIN'T FAIR YA KNOW
cough
Hello?
Birk! It's Paki!
...who?
Paki! Paki O'Meara! You know, Pakibomb goes boom?
Oh, yeah...um, Paki. Right.
Yeah! Hey! It's Final Fournication today! Where have you been?
Oh, um, I've...well, I've just been really busy.
Well, what's our strategy for beating Stanzi?
Strategy? I don't really have a strategy for you, Paki.
What am I supposed to do?
You can beat Stanzi legitimately. No problem. Just go at him straight-up. You'll be fine. We'll meet up afterwards.
click
But...
But...

Who was that?
It was...it was nobody.
Now, how are you going to win this match?
I can't do it, Mr. Berentz.
I can't beat Captain America.
How can you kill an icon of freedom?
How do you take that shot?
What if you miss?
Ricky, listen to me.
WHAT IF YOU MISS? WHAT IF YOU'RE REALLY A COMMUNIST?
DAMN IT RICKY, LISTEN TO ME!
THAT'S NOT CAPTAIN AMERICA HERKY!
That's...what?
That's not Captain America Herky in that costume.
You mean, Captain America Herky can't be in that costume because he is in all our hearts?
No, you moron. That's Paki O'Meara in that costume.
Paki O'Meara?
Yes...
Paki O'Meara?
Yes...
But...but...

Don't worry, Girls Generation. I'll save you.
/emerges from shadows with handgun
Like hell you will, Stanzi.
What the...?
Your tyranny and oppression has gone on long enough, Stanzi.
It's time someone else led this team. It's time for someone else to lead this country! It's time for PAKISTANZI!

Both of you, throw me the ball
WHAT?
I SAID THROW ME THE DAMN BALL.
/throws perfect spiral to Clayborn
/throws perfect spiral to Korean prison guard
THAT ONE! THE ONE WHO THREW IT TO THE GUARD! HE'S THE REAL STANZI! ACE, GET THE FAKE!
/cocks assault rifle, aims at PAKISTANZI
/puts hands up
DAMN IT! BEATEN AGAIN BY THE STANZIBALL!
Now it's time to find out who you are...
/removes mask
PAKI O'MEARA!
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you snoopy kids!

I want him DEAD!
I want his friends DEAD!
I want REVENGE!
And only you can help me get it!
Join me, Joe Paterno, and help me dis...
MISTER PATERNO WILL BE FINE THANK YOU
I DO NOT WORK WITH DIRTY IRISH

I WILL NOT HAVE MY PLANS DISRUPTED, NOT NOW

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING BUSY I AM

Hey, my name's Adrian, and I

I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU, YOUNG MAN

BANG

gehhhhhhhhhh

NOW WHERE IS THAT DASTARDLY VILLAINOUS HEINOUS KRAUT RICKY STANZI

THIS ENDS RIGHT NOW

I've been waiting for my chance at revenge for a whole year.
I'm going to destroy that little bastard, and end this thing once and for all.
Yes. Go, Ricky. Go defeat Pakibomb.
/sprints out of Mount Rushmore
/turns away
Excellent...
AND I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE ME CUZ I DON'T THINK THEY THEY'D UNDERSTAND
Yes?
grumble grumble grumble
Yes, he knows. He's ready.
They'll both be totally distracted.
grumble grumble grumble
Everything is going exactly as we planned.
Marchifornication will soon be ours!