(Sorry for the delay. We were waiting for this set piece to be ready. We present today's Marchifornication finale without commercial interruption.)
When we last left Marchifornication...
/opens cell phone /takes off mask
beep boop beep
It's done. Pull the trigger.
You got it. I'm ready.Good. And then we'll split the title?I'm OK with a co-championship if you are. OK? It would be the first I've ever won!Good. Make it happen.
This will show those two frat boys. Marchifornication will finally be mi...
WEEEOOOOOWEEEEEOOOOOOWEEEEEEOOOOO
Hold it right there, KOKaine! Commissioner Breadman! No! After an 18-day investigation that inexplicably took place over the course of a one-sentence phone call, you're under arrest for the murder of Ricky Stanzi by Hartylanche and the premature demise of AIRBHG and Matt Gatens. Your Marchifornication days are through! But...but...I was so close...I was going to...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Meanwhile, in Ames, Iowa...
You got it. I'm ready. Good. And then we'll split the title? I'm OK with a co-championship if you are. OK? It would be the first I've ever won!
Good. Make it happen.
click
/picks up stack of notecards OK, rehearse, Jamie. First, you dial the number. Then you ask for Gary Barta. When he answers, you ask if he has Bryce Cartwright in a can. If he says yes, you say he'd better go catch it. No, wait. You say that he should let...FRED! NO!
/picks up "2005 Big XII North co-Runner Up" trophy /breaks it /realizes it is made of graham cracker /eats it /is a little inconsolable Concentrate, Jamie. You get him to say yes, then you say... RING RING RING
Jamie Pollard has been eliminated by turtlecall.
Fred, guess what? I got you a turtle for your team! Where's he transferring from? He's...I don't think he's transferring at all. I don't want him. But he's a talking... WAAAAA I DON'T WANT HIM WAAAAAAA Fred... WAAAAA /sits on floor /holds breath /passes out 
/is inconsolable
Meanwhile, in Gary Barta's office
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
Turtlecalls are awesome. They always make me LAWL Um, we've been over this. It's LOHL. Bullshit. Oxford Dictionary said LAWL. Who cares what old British dudes say? Know Your Meme says it's LOHL. I don't have time for this. I need to go make up another fictional award to give to Chris Doyle.
KIRK. Are you really going to pull rank? Shit, I'm basically your boss.No rank. No shenanigans. One quick smirk for the fans... 
And then we settle this, once and for all. Winner gets Marchifornication. What? Commissioner Breadman? KOK is locked up, Pollard has been defeated. You two are all that remain. Therefore, I decree that, by the powers vested in me as commissioner of Marchifornication, this is the final battle. It's about time, bro. Yeah. It's basically June. LOHL LAWL ELL-OH-IT-IS-ON!