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(Sorry for the delay. We were waiting for this set piece to be ready. We present today's Marchifornication finale without commercial interruption.)

When we last left Marchifornication...

Ferentzbeard_icon_medium /opens cell phone
Ferentzbeard_icon_medium /takes off mask
Iconcell_medium beep boop beep
Gamekok_thumb_medium It's done. Pull the trigger.

Iconcell_medium You got it. I'm ready.
Iconcell_medium And then we'll split the title?
Gamekok_thumb_mediumI'm OK with a co-championship if you are.
Iconcell_medium OK? It would be the first I've ever won!
Gamekok_thumb_mediumGood. Make it happen.

Gamekok_thumb_medium This will show those two frat boys. Marchifornication will finally be mi...
Breadman_icon_medium Hold it right there, KOKaine!
Gamekok_thumb_medium Commissioner Breadman! No!
Breadman_icon_medium After an 18-day investigation that inexplicably took place over the course of a one-sentence phone call, you're under arrest for the murder of Ricky Stanzi by Hartylanche and the premature demise of AIRBHG and Matt Gatens.
Breadman_icon_medium Your Marchifornication days are through!
Gamekok_thumb_medium But...but...I was so close...I was going to...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile, in Ames, Iowa...

Iconpollard_medium You got it. I'm ready.
Gamekok_thumb_medium Good.
Iconpollard_medium And then we'll split the title?
Gamekok_thumb_medium I'm OK with a co-championship if you are.
Iconpollard_medium OK? It would be the first I've ever won!

Gamekok_thumb_medium Good. Make it happen.
Iconphone45_medium click

Iconpollard_medium /picks up stack of notecards
Iconpollard_medium OK, rehearse, Jamie.
Iconpollard_medium First, you dial the number.
Iconpollard_medium Then you ask for Gary Barta.
Iconpollard_medium When he answers, you ask if he has Bryce Cartwright in a can.
Iconpollard_medium If he says yes, you say he'd better go catch it.
Iconpollard_medium No, wait. You say that he should let...FRED! NO!
Hoiberg_medium /picks up "2005 Big XII North co-Runner Up" trophy
Hoiberg_medium /breaks it
Hoiberg_medium /realizes it is made of graham cracker
Hoiberg_medium /eats it
Iconpollard_medium /is a little inconsolable
Iconpollard_medium Concentrate, Jamie. You get him to say yes, then you say...
Iconphone45_medium RING RING RING

Jamie Pollard has been eliminated by turtlecall.

Iconpollard_medium Fred, guess what?
Iconpollard_medium I got you a turtle for your team!
Hoiberg_medium Where's he transferring from?
Iconpollard_medium He's...I don't think he's transferring at all.
Hoiberg_medium I don't want him.
Iconpollard_medium But he's a talking...
Iconpollard_medium Fred...
Hoiberg_medium WAAAAA
Hoiberg_medium /sits on floor
Hoiberg_medium /holds breath
Hoiberg_medium /passes out
Iconpollard_medium Sadpollard_medium

Iconpollard_medium/is inconsolable

Meanwhile, in Gary Barta's office

Iconferentz_medium Turtlecalls are awesome.
Iconbarta_medium They always make me LAWL
Iconferentz_medium Um, we've been over this. It's LOHL.
Iconbarta_medium Bullshit. Oxford Dictionary said LAWL.
Iconferentz_medium Who cares what old British dudes say? Know Your Meme says it's LOHL.
Iconferentz_medium I don't have time for this. I need to go make up another fictional award to give to Chris Doyle.
Barta2icon_medium KIRK.
Iconferentz_medium Are you really going to pull rank? Shit, I'm basically your boss.
Barta2icon_mediumNo rank. No shenanigans. One quick smirk for the fans...
Iconbarta_medium Iconbarta90_medium

Barta2icon_mediumAnd then we settle this, once and for all.
Breadman_icon_medium Winner gets Marchifornication.
Iconbarta_mediumIconferentz_medium What? Commissioner Breadman?
Breadman_icon_medium KOK is locked up, Pollard has been defeated. You two are all that remain.
Breadman_icon_medium Therefore, I decree that, by the powers vested in me as commissioner of Marchifornication, this is the final battle.
Iconferentz_medium It's about time, bro.
Iconbarta_medium Yeah. It's basically June.
Iconferentz_medium LOHL
Iconbarta_medium LAWL
Breadman_icon_medium ELL-OH-IT-IS-ON!