[The scene: Tuesday afternoon, Carver-Hawkeye Arena offices, several weeks ago.]
[phone rings]
You've reached Fran-crest enterprises. State your business.
Coach, you've been having problems recruiting, yes?
Who is this? How dare you --
Settle down. I'm here to help. I am ... Whodunit, the world-famous Recruit-up Artist.
Wow, Whodunit -- weren't you on VH-1 or something?
Fox Sports Net Midwest, actually.
You're great, but you're for those pathetic coaches who can't get recruits.
...
Hey, I can recruit just fine. I got Basabe, Cartwright, White, Oglesby -- that's not nothing.
But coach, we both know that Cezar Guererro turned you down, not to mention Jarrod Uthoff, Eli Carter, Pierre Jackson... I could go on.
OK, so I'm on a bit of a cold streak. Things will turn around.
Maybe, maybe not. What's your technique?
Well, I talk about the opportunity to play right away in a major conference on national TV, tell them about the new practice facility, and give them a tour of our fine city here.
And what do you do when they ask about the losing record?
I'm honest with them. I say, yes we struggled at times last year, but we also showed clear improvement, and that they have the chance to get in on the ground floor of something that will be pretty special.
I see... Fran, it's no surprise the recruits are turning you down. You've made it all about you, about how much you have to offer, about how much you could do for them.
Well, what the H else am I supposed to talk about? When you just talk about all the great things you can give to them, the recruit thinks: "Why is he trying so hard to sell me on this place? Does he think it doesn't sell itself? Wait, this guy is desperate for recruits, that's why he's trying so hard." Desperation is never attractive. What am I supposed to do, pretend I don't need recruits? I do! Of course you do, that's your problem. If a recruit looks hard at your record, at your depth, he's going to get the message that coming to Iowa means joining a team that is destined to struggle. That's why you need to steer the conversation as far away from Iowa as possible, make it about them, not you. So, what, talk about how great they are? No, that's just more of a signal that you need them. Pretend like you couldn't care less if they came to Iowa, like you already have Harrison Barnes, Marcus Paige and a 19 year-old Lew Alcindor committed to the team, and maybe you could fit another recruit in as a back-up point guard. Talk about the holes in their game, how they would definitely need to improve their shooting or defense if they were to ever dream of cracking your starting line-up. You mean I should insult them? In a way, yes, but the point is to present the image that they need you more than you need them, that you're such a damn good coach that a player would have to be crazy to turn down the chance to play with you. OK, I think I get it. Any other tips? Yes, wardrobe is very important. What do you wear to these recruiting visits?
Suit, gold tie, nice shoes, Old Spice.
No, no, no... you'll never stand out that way. Right now I'm wearing an ostrich feather coat, Bootsy Collins sunglasses and a rhinestone-encrusted top hat.
Let me get a pen... ostrich coat, rhinestone boots ...
You don't need to copy me exactly, just pick something distinctive.
Distinctive, right. Anything else?
Just remember: forget everything you ever knew about being nice to recruits. Do you have it in you to get ... mad?
I think I just might.
... LATER THAT WEEK ...
Wes, good to see you. I hear you're considering Iowa.
Yeah, it's down to you guys and Tennessee. I've been really encouraged by what you guys did last year. And it would be nice to stay near home. Do you have a pen, actually? I think I'm ready ...
Hold on there, fellah. How do I know you're good enough to play for the Iowa Hawkeyes?
But... but ... Bryce Cartwright played over 30 minutes a game ... you had Devyn Marble bringing the ball up the court... Jordan Stoermer!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen: your game is garbage. You can't shoot, you're two inches too short, and you can't play D. Maybe... maybe you could make the practice team.
Man, screw this. I'm out of here. And your skullcap double-goggle outfit looks ridiculous.
[shouting after him] We don't need you! We've got a 64 year-old Kareem Abdul-Jabaar signed up for next year!
[pulls out phone, dials]
I did what you said and ... and ... it all went to hell. What am I doing wrong, man?
That's a shame. Did you tell him his game sucked?That it was garbage!
And you got a new look?
I drew on hip facial hair and everything.
Well, keep at it. You have to strike out a few times in the recruit-up game. It's all about volume - tell 1000 more recruits they're garbage, and you're bound to get a few to take the bait.
All right. Thanks for your help.
No problem, Fran.
[hangs up]
[takes off rhinestone hat, glasses]
No problem at all. [hits intercom] Ms. Currencysusanbanthonydollar, would you show Mr. Washpun in? Oh, and bring a pen. [laughs diabolically]