OK, ladies. Let's get started. I'm Kirk Ferentz. I'm the head coach here at Iowa. Welcome to the Iowa Ladies' Football Academy.
/polite applause Today we're going to teach you about the basics of football. We'll go through basic strategy and technique, and we'll give you a tour of the football facilities. Helping me with today's camp are some of our assistant coaches. To my left is wide receivers coach Erick Campbell
Good morning, ladies. You can call me Coach Soup. Oh, he's cute. Yes, very cute. On my right is defensive backs coach Phil Parker.
/steps forward, waves politely I thought he only had one leg. They do amazing things with prosthetics these days. And in the back, we have...
...must be someone driving down Hawkins. I was saying, we have...
...I apologize, ladies. I don't know where that is...
MOTOR INN WHAT'S YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT AND FINDING MR. RIGHT WOOOOO LET'S DO THIS THING
Um, ladies, say hello to Chris Doyle, our strength and conditioning coach. OHHHH THAT'S RIGHT LADIES YOU SURE PLAYED LIKE LADIES LAST SEASON TIME TO FIND OUT WHO 'ROUND HERE WANTS TO PLAY LIKE MEN NOW EVERYONE DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY Chris, this is... I'M JUST JOSHING HA HA PUSHUPS ARE A TERRIBLE EXERCISE THEY PLACE EXCESS STRESS ON THE LOWER BACK ON YOUR FEET, LADIES /stand up, look at each other confusingly DO YOU WANT TO BE HERE? Yeah. I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LADIES I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO BE HERE? YEAH! WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT. Chris, I don't think... YOU! NUMBER 47!/raise hand WHY ARE YOU ALL NUMBER 47? BLONDIE! Yes, Coach Doyle? HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH? Chris, that's completely inapp...I am so offended. I ASKED HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH, YOU PANSY!Fine. I weigh 115. ONE HUNDRED FIFTEEN POUNDS? YOU NEED TO GAIN WEIGHT, YOU GIRL ONE HUNDRED SQUATS, 275 POUNDS, NOW! Coach Doyle, that's excessi... SHUT UP, FERENTZ DID YOU SEE HOW WE FINISHED GAMES LAST SEASON? AND NOW YOU GIVE ME A MINIATURE MITCH KING AND EXPECT ME TO TURN IT INTO A DEFENSIVE TACKLE WELL, THEN IT'S DOYLE RULES THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU WE'RE GONNA DO A HUNDRED SQUATS, THEN SOME SLED WORK, THEN A TEN-MILE RUN, THEN A SUDOKU PUZZLE Sudoku puzzle? MENTAL DEXTERITY AND PROBLEM SOLVING ARE IMPORTANT SKILLS ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD AND THE FIELD OF LIFE LET'S GO, LADIES. TIME'S A-WASTIN'. /squat 275 pounds /collapses /vomits /faints /breaks leg /rhabdo /rhabdo /rhabdo /rhabdo I knew this was a horrible idea.
All kidding aside, The Iowa Ladies' Football Academy is scheduled for June 18 in Iowa City, with all proceeds going to our friends at University of Iowa Childrens' Hospital. It's $50 to get in, with another $300 in fundraising required. There are also additional prizes for the best fundraisers. It should be a great event for a great cause. And we're like 98% sure nobody is going to get rhabdo.