/walks into back alley
/takes off mask
That was easier than I thought.
I really thought Gatens would be more difficult.
Turns out I didn't even need to do anything. Gatens got PAKIBOMBED by proxy.
Who's next? Who's gonna get the PAKIBOMB?
Oh no. I can't beat AIRBHG. I'm gonna end up concussed. Or with a torn ACL. Or pregnant.
OMG OMG OMG OMG
AAAAAHHHHH OH NO OH NO OH NO I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD
Psst! Over here!
/approaches shadowy figure
You might not know me...but I know you!
I know you, Paki, and I know how you can beat Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God, and everyone else in Marchifornication.
Who are you?
You can call me...
What's your secret plan, Mr. Berentz?
It's easy, Paki. What is more powerful than an AIRBHG, smarter than a Franimal, and faster than a DJK?
Is this a riddle?
No, it's not a riddle. It has an easy answer.
Wait, wait, wait. I know this...
It's that Trololo guy, isn't it?
No, you fool! It's not the Trololo guy! It's...the social networks!
Oh...I didn't really get that movie.
NOT THE MOVIE! The internet! Facebook! Twitter!
My coach says I can't use those.
I'M NOT YOUR...I mean, he's not your coach anymore! You can use them as much as you want!
But Mr. Berentz, how can I use Twitter to beat AIRBHG? He's omnipotent!
Think, Paki. What does AIRBHG want more than anything?
To destroy Iowa running backs.
Right, but to what end?
Destroying Iowa football.
And what else could destroy Iowa football at any time?
NO! Not bears! Information, Paki! Information can destroy Iowa football!
If the secrets of Iowa football are revealed to the press, there's no telling what kind of damage it will do.
It's more than interesting, Paki. It's revolutionary. You can use the social networks to your advantage. You can disseminate the information that will destroy Iowa football.
Just look what that Poggi kid did with one Facebook message. It almost brought the entire program down.
Now imagine if you leaked all the secrets. You would beat AIRBHG at his own game! You would destroy Stanzi and DJK. Not even Barta would survive. The bracket would be wide open. MARCHIFORNICATION could be yours!
And here is the best part, Paki.
I have all the secrets! I can give them to you! Together we can destroy them all!
Yes, this makes all the sense in the world.
I can use my Twitter account, @PAKIBOMB!
I can hashtag it all for easy location by my followers!
Marchifornication will be mine! I can beat them! I can beat AIRBHG and Stanzi and Bloodpunch and all the rest of them! I can beat them all with...