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The Purdue Coaching Search: OMHR Makes The Call

[EDIT: Yeah, so this happened and as a result what follows may lack a little truthiness.  Just pretend it's from an alternate reality where things happened differently.]

 [SCENE: The barren wasteland of the American Southwest, better known as... New Mexico.]

Iconphone45_medium BRRING BRRING

Steve_alford_icon_medium "partyin' partyin' (yeah)"... Hello?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Steve?  It's Morgan Burke, Purdue athletic director.  How's it goin'?

Steve_alford_icon_medium Well, not too bad.  Just got done with another March situation, yessir. 

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Oh yeah?  What region were you guys in?  I must have missed it in all the hullaballoo over Butler and VCU.

Steve_alford_icon_medium Er, Region 1.  The, um, upper left one.

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Haha, oh man, those names today sure are crazy!  How'd you do?

Steve_alford_icon_medium Well, we got to the Round of 16.  And then we came up just a little short.

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium The Sweet 16?  Hot damn, that's pretty good.

Steve_alford_icon_medium Well, my lawyer informs me we can't actually, uh, refer to it as the Sweet 16; the NCAA lawyers get a little touchy about that.

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Lawyers!  What kooks!  My lawyer once tried to tell me it was discriminatory to only hire football coaches with rich, luxuriant mustaches.

Steve_alford_icon_medium ...

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium I told that naked-lipped twit to shut his dirty whore mouth and find me some goddamn tax loopholes.  Haha!

Steve_alford_icon_medium ...

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium I don't mind telling you that it is my greatest regret as a human being that I cannot grow a respectable mustache.  Just kills me.

Steve_alford_icon_medium So, uh, why'd you ring me up, Mr. Burke?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Steve_alford_icon_medium Uh-huh.

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium It's about Matty. 

Steve_alford_icon_medium Did he finally have a heart attack?  I told him to lay off the brats.  Bro was looking pretty bloated --

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium No, no, no.  He, um, well... this is hard to say...

Steve_alford_icon_medium Okay.

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium He... he left us.  He's going to Missouri.

Steve_alford_icon_medium Wait, what?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium He took the head coaching job there today. 

Steve_alford_icon_medium Wow.  I mean... wow.

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium I know.  We were pretty stunned.  Purdue Pete won't come out of the corner.  He just keeps rocking back and forth in the corner, begging for Matty to come back. 

Steve_alford_icon_medium Yikes.  Wasn't he an alum?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium (long sigh)

Steve_alford_icon_medium Ouch.

Steve_alford_icon_medium So why'd he leave?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium He said Missouri was an unbelievable, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity coughcoughandtheyregoingtopayhimashittonmoremoneycoughcough

Steve_alford_icon_medium Well, I understand a thing or two about once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.  I mean, that's why I'm in Albuquerque.  Yessir, I sure do love it here.

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Well, actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about...

Steve_alford_icon_medium Oh?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Yeah.  So, um, we need a basketball coach... and you're a basketball coach.  And we're in Indiana ... and you're from Indiana...

Steve_alford_icon_medium Are you... are you offering me the Purdue head coaching job, Morgan?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Yep.  I'm offering you a ticket back to the big time, Steve.  A shot to get out of that small-time dog-and-pony show and get back to the bright lights and bustle of West Lafayette!

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Plus, you'd really get to stick it to Iowa. 

Steve_alford_icon_medium Yeah!  Fuck those guys!

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Iowa, who is the rival we hate the most in the entire universe.  We hate them with the exploding passion of a million stars going supernova at the same time.  Goddamn do we hate them.

Steve_alford_icon_medium Uh... yeah!

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium And you'd get to stick it to Indiana, too.

Steve_alford_icon_medium oh god oh god oh god

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium That's not appealing to you?  Really?

Steve_alford_icon_medium Well... if I coach you guys, don't you think I'll burn any last bridges I've got there?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium Steve, how many coaching changes have they made in the last ten years?  And how many times have they seriously considered you? 

Steve_alford_icon_medium ...

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium They don't love you anymore, Steve.  They don't want you.

Steve_alford_icon_medium Yeah.  Yeah, I guess you're right.  It just hurts to admit it.

Steve_alford_icon_medium /sniffles

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium I know.  But the best thing you can do now is get revenge.  And there's no better way to get revenge than to come to beautiful, vibrant West Lafayette, take over our basketball program, and ram it down their candystriped asses.

Steve_alford_icon_medium Yeah!

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium YEAH!

Steve_alford_icon_medium HELL YEAH!

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!

Steve_alford_icon_medium So when can you get a contract over here for me to sign?

Morgan_burke_icon2_medium How about...

Iconbarta_medium THE DAY AFTER NEVER!

Steve_alford_icon_medium what?


Iconbarta_medium /hangs up

Steve_alford_icon_medium ...sonofabitch. 

Steve_alford_icon_medium Fucking Barta.  Hate that guy.

Iconbarta_medium Ahh... that felt good.  Right, Fran?

Iconmccaffrey_medium Yep. 

Iconbarta_medium Who should we call next?  I think I have Todd's number around here somewhere... I'm gonna tell him that Florida Gulf-Coast is just down the road from Indianapolis.