[EDIT: Yeah, so this happened and as a result what follows may lack a little truthiness. Just pretend it's from an alternate reality where things happened differently.]
[SCENE: The barren wasteland of the American Southwest, better known as... New Mexico.]
"partyin' partyin' (yeah)"... Hello?
Steve? It's Morgan Burke, Purdue athletic director. How's it goin'?
Well, not too bad. Just got done with another March situation, yessir.
Oh yeah? What region were you guys in? I must have missed it in all the hullaballoo over Butler and VCU.
Er, Region 1. The, um, upper left one.
Haha, oh man, those names today sure are crazy! How'd you do?
Well, we got to the Round of 16. And then we came up just a little short.
The Sweet 16? Hot damn, that's pretty good.
Well, my lawyer informs me we can't actually, uh, refer to it as the Sweet 16; the NCAA lawyers get a little touchy about that.
Lawyers! What kooks! My lawyer once tried to tell me it was discriminatory to only hire football coaches with rich, luxuriant mustaches.
...
I told that naked-lipped twit to shut his dirty whore mouth and find me some goddamn tax loopholes. Haha!
...
I don't mind telling you that it is my greatest regret as a human being that I cannot grow a respectable mustache. Just kills me.
So, uh, why'd you ring me up, Mr. Burke?
Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle.
Uh-huh.
It's about Matty.
Did he finally have a heart attack? I told him to lay off the brats. Bro was looking pretty bloated --
No, no, no. He, um, well... this is hard to say...
Okay.
He... he left us. He's going to Missouri.
Wait, what?
He took the head coaching job there today.
Wow. I mean... wow.
I know. We were pretty stunned. Purdue Pete won't come out of the corner. He just keeps rocking back and forth in the corner, begging for Matty to come back.
Yikes. Wasn't he an alum?
(long sigh)
Ouch.
So why'd he leave?
He said Missouri was an unbelievable, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity coughcoughandtheyregoingtopayhimashittonmoremoneycoughcough
Well, I understand a thing or two about once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. I mean, that's why I'm in Albuquerque. Yessir, I sure do love it here.
Well, actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about...
Oh?
Yeah. So, um, we need a basketball coach... and you're a basketball coach. And we're in Indiana ... and you're from Indiana...
Are you... are you offering me the Purdue head coaching job, Morgan?
Yep. I'm offering you a ticket back to the big time, Steve. A shot to get out of that small-time dog-and-pony show and get back to the bright lights and bustle of West Lafayette!
Plus, you'd really get to stick it to Iowa.
Yeah! Fuck those guys!
Iowa, who is the rival we hate the most in the entire universe. We hate them with the exploding passion of a million stars going supernova at the same time. Goddamn do we hate them.
Uh... yeah!
And you'd get to stick it to Indiana, too.
oh god oh god oh god
That's not appealing to you? Really?
Well... if I coach you guys, don't you think I'll burn any last bridges I've got there?
Steve, how many coaching changes have they made in the last ten years? And how many times have they seriously considered you?
...
They don't love you anymore, Steve. They don't want you.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. It just hurts to admit it.
/sniffles
I know. But the best thing you can do now is get revenge. And there's no better way to get revenge than to come to beautiful, vibrant West Lafayette, take over our basketball program, and ram it down their candystriped asses.
Yeah!
YEAH!
HELL YEAH!
GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!
So when can you get a contract over here for me to sign?
How about...
THE DAY AFTER NEVER!
what?
HAHA! SUCK IT, STEVE! YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK TO THE BIG TEN. HOPE YOU ENJOY GREEN CHILES AND TURQUOISE, MOTHERFUCKER.
/hangs up
...sonofabitch.
Fucking Barta. Hate that guy.
Ahh... that felt good. Right, Fran?
Yep.
Who should we call next? I think I have Todd's number around here somewhere... I'm gonna tell him that Florida Gulf-Coast is just down the road from Indianapolis.