Scene: The American Gladiators Arena
Welcome to Gladiator Arena. I'm Mike Adamle.
And I'm Todd Christensen. We have a very special edition of American Gladiators for our viewers today, Todd. That's right, Mike. We've had great matchups in the past. Pro wrestlers against pro boxers. Retired baseball players against current golfers. Ohio State grads versus Michigan alums. Heck, just look at us. Northwestern and BYU. If we faced off, the winner would probably be "3 Bud Lights" LOL LOL But never before have we had two members of a presidential ticket face off against each other in Gladiator Arena. Never, that is, until today. That's right, Todd. Today we will see Freedom Party presidential nominee Ricky Stanzi compete against his own running mate, J Leman.
Meanwhile, in the locker room...
I don't know if I can do this, Coach. I mean, J's my friend. He's my protector. He saved me from a Korean prison. How am I supposed to tackle him? How am I supposed to joust him? How can I possibly beat him?
You will beat him because you are a competitor, Ricky. I have trained you for this. I have taken you from scrawny kid to Marchifornication champion.
The shadowy figure emerges...
You will do this for me, Ricky. You will do this because you have no other choice.
These two athletes are very similar, Todd. You've got that right, Mike. Both these guys are former Big Ten football players. Both are extremely patriotic. Both are prone to overgeneralization. Both have hooked up with Sexycop. Well, who hasn't hooked up with Sexycop. She made my violate my Honor Code, I'll tell you that. Let's get to the action! Today's contest will begin with...JOUST! You can do this. I can do this! You can beat him. I can beat him! See it. Believe it. Make it happen, Ricky. Stanzi will go first. He'll face...MAL-EMAN. Who?
You will lose. J? I am not J. I am Mal-eman. Referee Earl Hebner will start the action.
Competitor ready!
Gladiator ready! Sexycop? It's Sexyref now, baby! /blows kiss /is distracted
/knocked off pedestal RICKY NOOOOOOOO! /falls to mats below And Male-man wins! FINISH HIM Wait, what? FINISH HIM /raises lance overhead FINISH HIM You. Can't. Win. /brings lance down on Stanzi's head AAAAAAAHHHHHH AAAAAAAHHHHHH /wakes up /sits up in bed /gasps for air It was only a dream. It was only a dream. It was only a dream.
Are you all right, baby? Yeah, I'm fine. Just a nightmare. Do you need anything? No, really. I'm OK. I just need to...wait, who is this? /flips lightswitch AAAAAAHHHHHH Would you like some warm milk? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH