THE #1 SEED: ANGRY IOWA RUNNING BACK HATING GOD
Round 1: Defeated rhabdo 521-63
THE #5 SEED: CAPTAIN AMERICA HERKY
First Round: Defeated Matt Gatens Legacy by Montreal Screwjob.
RISE AND SHINE WHAT DAY IS IT? OH RIGHT IT'S TAKE OUT SOME IOWA RUNNING BACKS DAYALSO KNOWN AS TUESDAY OH LOOK A PRESS CONFERENCE
In Iowa City, Kirk Ferentz takes questions before the open of spring practice.
A bearded man stands in the back next to Captain America Herky.
Yes, Jon, I suppose I agree that I'm really awesome. Next question.
I have a follow-up question, Coach Awesome. Are you the coolest coach in the world? I...I don't know, Jon. I don't even use Twitter or anything. Does anyone have a serious que... I have a follow-up question, Coach Fonzie. Do you know anything about non-compete agreements? OK, any real questions?
Coach, I have a question...
Now, Paki!
/punches number into cell phone
MORE HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR STREET MORE HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR
I'm sorry, Coach. That's mine. I'll be right back. Mas Casa. Como esta? Follow the Pakileaks. Follow the what? Follow the Pakileaks. Twitter dot com slash Pakibomb. /hangs up
bleep bloop bleep
Coach Ferentz, would you care to answer a few rumors about some players on your team? Well, I suppose it depends where you got the rumors, Marc. If they came from those damnable social networks... I have it from a source that Marcus Coker's real name isn't Marcus Coker He's been dismissed from the team. Really? What about the rumor that De'Andre Johnson isn't getting good grades. Academic indigestion. Gone. Rodney Coe likes the NBC sitcom 'Perfect Couples' Player transaction. Exiled to Elba. Mikail McCall eats Hot Pockets Sideshots for every meal Sent to a Soviet gulag Jordan Canzeri is inconsiderate. Gitmo'd Damon Bullock wrote a terrible children's movie Transferred to play basketball for Fred Hoiberg. What about the rumor that Jason White is a walk-on safety? You would think we would know that, but no. Violation of team rules. Turkish prison. We did, it Paki. Wait, what did we do? Just watch. Watch and learn. TIME TO MESS UP SOME RUNNING BA...HEY WAIT A MINUTE Coach, by my count, you're THEY'RE out of OUT OF halfbacks. HALFBACKS BUT WHAT OF MY POWERS WHO WILL I DESTROY I'M IMPOTENT I'M POWERLESS I'M MELTING OH GOD I'M MELTING
Captain America Herky wins by melting his opponent.