THE #2 SEED: RICKY STANZI
Round 1: Defeated DJK 520-282.
THE #3 SEED: FRAN McCAFFERY
Round 1: Defeated JoePa 525-282.
For the semi-finals of Marchifornication we have arranged a special Wunderlic-to-the-Death for Stanzi and Franzi. What follows is an excerpt of the questions and their muttered comments recorded during the test. Some of the expletives have been altered to meet the strict family-friendly standards of BHGP.
1. A physical education class has three times as many girls as boys. During a class basketball game, the girls average 18 points each, and the class as a whole averages 17 points per person. How many points does each boy score on average?
STANZI: Well, everyone knows America averages an awesomeness level of 18, and that it has roughly three times as many people as France; let's say we combined the two countries [shudders] and they had an awesomeness level of 17... then, there would be 300 million Americans times 18 and 100 million times some unknown quantity ... 14!
FRAN: The boys in MY FRANNING CLASS are averaging MOTHERFRANNING 17points per game compared to the FRANDAMN GIRLS?!?! Judas FRANNING Priest! Unless Margaret is in that class CROSSING MOTHERFRANNERS up, there is no FRANDAMN WAY that is happening! The right answer's not on here, so I'll just write it in: RUN FRANNING LAPS!
2. Randolph has 8 ties, 6 pairs of pants, and 4 dress shirts. How many days could he possibly go without wearing the same combination of these three items?
STANZI: Ah, this must refer to Edmund Randolph, governor of Virginia and delegate to the Constitutional Convention. It's well known that Governor Randolph would go "nine-score and twelve" days without changing his cravat or pantaloons, so ... 192.
FRAN: I think Randolph needs to get his FRANNING PRIORITIES STRAIGHT! I have one tie (gold), one pair of pants (black) and 1 dress shirt (white), and I GET FRAN DONE JUST FINE. You think I don't SWEAT during GAMES, RANDOLPH!? It's called MARTI-FRANNING-NIZING! I work off more calories FRANNING CURSING than that FRANNING FISHMAN Michael Phelps does swimming! I have to eat a can of Betty Crocker frosting after games just so I don't go into FRANNING COMA! So the answer is easy: that FRANHOLE Randolph could go ONE DAY before FRAN TOOK A FRANDAMN HEDGE-CLIPPERS TO HIS PRECIOUS SUPER-FRANNING-FLUOUS TIES! [breaks
five no. 2 pencils over his knee]
3. What is the average of all of the integers from 13 to 37?
STANZI: This is a simple matter of applying the solution Johann Carl Friedrich Gauss gave to his elementary school mathematics teacher when he was asked to sum the numbers from 1 to 100... 25!
FRAN: MOTHERFRANNING GAUSS, not a day goes by without me using something I learned from your Mathe-frannende-matisches Tagebuch...the answer is 25.
4. What is the next number in the sequence: 5,15, 25, 35 ...
STANZI: Connecticut, Kentucky, Arkansas, West Virginia... Utah! I mean, 45!
FRAN: How did these FRANNING WONDERLIC FRANHOLES get my substitution chart!? The next number is 2, obviously.
5. EQUESTRIAN PEDESTRIAN
These two words
A) Have similar meanings
B) Have opposite meanings
C) Have neither similar nor opposite meanings
STANZI: Equestrian = horses = the US Cavalry = America, but horses also = horse racing = the sport of kings = monarchy = England; Pedestrian = hippies = shiftlessness = communism = Russia, but
Pedestrian = walker = Texas Rangers = America... this is too confusing... C.
FRAN: Hmm... I've never called an opponent a walker-franner before (except for Kemba Walker on occasion), but a horsefranner? Sure, thousands of times. Wait, what was the question again? And why am I taking this test? I graduated from the Uni-FRANNING-versi-FRANNING-ty of PENNSYL-FRANDAMN-VANIA! Fran this, it's time for Fran to Fran Franup. [throws desk out window, storms out of room].
These tests are of course biased against rageaholics with their love for rageahol, so who do you think should move on?