#3 SEED: JAMIE POLLARD
Round 1: Defeated Coach Baby, 377-204
#7 SEED: PELICAN WHORE
Round 1: Defeated Wizgerald, 330-225
Scene: a dilapidated barn in Ames. Cows mill about lazily with ragged, oversized cheerleader uniforms covering them. Somehow there is still eight inches of snow on the ground. A douchebag knocks on a rotting door.
You've got someone to see you, Mr. Pollard!
Hot diggity! Personal visits can't be pranks!
Oh, Pelican Whore! I see you've come to discuss our matchup today! Do you speak English?
I SAID NO PELICANESE. Please speak the language of our land.
No, I do not want your job! I want my job! I am a highly successful athletic director for a school in a major Division I conference. You are just a whore!
I just said... wait, are you soliciting me?
rabim denar bom naredil vse (sob)
You... your mascara is running like crazy, Pelican Whore.
Hey, hey... let me wipe this makeup off. You can't let it run in all the tears. Your inconsolability will show.
Wait, without the makeup, you're... oh my god...
DO IT NOW FRED, YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!
(the two share the teary embrace of friends long lost)
I thought you were gone forever!
I thought you forgot Michalik!
This is so heart-warming. I feel so... consolable.
Julius, I always wanted to ask you this. Can I ride you out to Campanile Hill and we can play spies for the rest of the afternoon while it's light out? Can I do that, Dad Boss?
Oh, I don't see why not. There's no harm in that.
Mr. Pollard, you do realize th--
(frolic happily as the referee counts to ten)
PELICAN WHORE/JULIUS MICHALIK HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY WAY OF COUNT-OUT.