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Joe Paterno And The Bracket Pool

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(SCENE: inside the Penn State football offices.)


Iconpaterno45_medium HARLOT!  WHERE ARE YOU?!  I REQUIRE JELLO.  AND PUDDING POPS.  THE MAN IN THE COLORFUL SWEATERS ON THE TALKY BOX ASSURES ME THEY ARE DELICIOUS.

Iconsecretary_medium ...

Iconpaterno45_medium HARLOT!  COME OUT HERE THIS INSTANCE!

Iconsecretary_medium (sighs) Over here, sir.  And I'm an administrative assistant, not a harlot. 

Iconpaterno45_medium AH, THERE YOU ARE.  FETCH ME MY PUDDING POPS, POST-HASTE.

Iconsecretary_medium Uh, can it wait five minutes?  Jay and I were filling out our brackets...

Iconpaterno45_medium BRACKETS?  WHAT NONSENSE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  I DON'T SEE ANY CARPENTRY GOING ON IN HERE.

Iconsecretary_medium No, NCAA Tournament brackets.  Jay put together this pool and --

Jaypa_medium  Oh, crap.

Iconpaterno45_medium POOL?  AS IN GAMBLING?  ARE YOU RUNNING AN ILLICIT WAGERING ENTERPRISE, SON?

Jaypa_medium  Uh.  Well, pretty much everyone and their mother does it anymore and it's just a $10 entry --

Iconpaterno45_medium SCANDALOUS!  I'LL NOT HAVE MY HOME TURNED INTO A HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE!  WE'RE BETTER THAN THOSE CADS DOWN SOUTH.  OR IN COLUMBUS.

Jaypa_medium Um, right.  Of course.  I'll just waive the entry fee, I guess.

Iconpaterno45_medium I AM CURIOUS, THOUGH.  WHO IS IN THE BASKETS-BALL CUP THIS YEAR?

Jaypa_medium  You haven't seen?  Oh, well, take a look.  Penn State made it!  I sent Ed a congratulatory muffin basket already.

Iconpaterno45_medium WHAT

Jaypa_medium  I sent Ed a muffin basket

Iconpaterno45_medium NO, NOT YOUR PRATTLE ABOUT BAKED GOODS.  WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE WERE IN THE POST-SEASON THIS YEAR?  WE HAVE TO PREPARE!

Jaypa_medium  What?  No, Ed's in the postseason.  Ed DeChellis.  The basketball coach.  The basketball team is going to the NCAA Tournament.

Iconpaterno45_medium WHAT

Jaypa_medium  Talor Battle and the basketball team -- they're in the NCAA Tournament.

Iconpaterno45_medium JUPITER'S COCK, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT BALD LITTLE TOAD WOULD HAVE ANY SUCCESS HERE.

Jaypa_medium It is pretty impressive.  I mean, Battle and those seniors have been through a lot and --

Iconpaterno45_medium I DID APPRECIATE THE WAY HE MADE US LOOK BETTER WHEN THINGS WENT SIDEWAYS A FEW YEARS AGO.

Jaypa_medium You mean the (whispers) Dark Ages

Iconpaterno45_medium YES.  THE BASKETS-BALLERS WERE EVEN MORE PATHETIC THEN.  AND THANK ZEUS FOR THAT.

Iconpaterno45_medium WHO ARE THEY PLAYING?

Jaypa_medium Temple.

Iconpaterno45_medium FINALLY!  IT IS LONG PAST TIME THAT WE WAGED WAR ON THOSE JEWISH SAVAGES.

Iconsecretary_medium Uh no, sir.  Temple University?  In Philadelphia?  The only in-state school you'll actually allow us to schedule?

Iconpaterno45_medium BECAUSE THE PANTHERS ARE A VILE, COWARDLY LOT OF REPROBATES.

Jaypa_medium Uh, right.  Actually, they're in the NCAA Tournament, too.  They're a 1-seed.

Iconpaterno45_medium OUTRAGEOUS!  THOSE WHORE-MONGERS MUST BE MADE TO PAY FOR THEIR INSOLENCE.  WHO WILL TOPPLE THEM?

Jaypa_medium Well, actually, they got one of the easiest brackets this year.  Florida's the 2-seed, but they're way over-seeded.  BYU's the 3-seed, but they lost one of their best players for violating their Honor Code.

Iconpaterno45_medium AN HONOR CODE?  THAT SEEMS LIKE A NOBLE ENTERPRISE.  I ONCE TRIED TO GET PENN STATE TO INSTITUTE SUCH A SYSTEM.

Jaypa_medium Really?

Iconpaterno45_medium THEY GAVE ME A CHOICE: I COULD HAVE AN HONOR CODE OR I COULD KEEP USING THE SWITCH ON QUARTERBACKS WHO THREW INTERCEPTIONS.  I CHOSE THE SWITCH.

Iconsecretary_medium Jaypa_medium ...

Iconpaterno45_medium OF COURSE, THEY OUTLAWED THAT PRACTICE ANYWAY AFTER ZACK MILLS COMPLAINED ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SIT DOWN FOR A MONTH.

Jaypa_medium Well, that was a bit extreme.

Iconpaterno45_medium NONSENSE.  SO IS THERE NO ONE THAT CAN END THE PANTHER MENACE?

Jaypa_medium Well, Wisconsin, but I don't think they're that good. 

Iconpaterno45_medium I SPOKE WITH BO RYAN ONCE.  HE GAVE ME SOME EXCELLENT TIPS ON PRESERVING BRAIN TISSUE.

Jaypa_medium Uh, right.  No, I think Pitt makes it to the Final Four, and they lose there to Notre Dame. 

Iconpaterno45_medium THOSE DRUNKEN MICKS ARE GOOD THIS YEAR?  HELL IN A HANDBASKET, ARE THERE NO DECENT TEAMS THIS YEAR?

Jaypa_medium Well, Kansas is really good.

Iconpaterno45_medium BAH!  NAISMITH WAS A FILTHY LIAR AND A CHEAT.  HE SWINDLED ME OUT OF A YEAR'S SALARY IN A GAME OF PINOCHLE.

Jaypa_medium Ohio State's also great.  They just won the Big Ten Tournament.  But they have a tough region: North Carolina and Kentucky are there.  Although I like Syracuse to sneak out of that region.  I have a good feeling about them.

Iconpaterno45_medium THAT IS BECAUSE YOU WERE DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A CHILD.  REPEATEDLY.  THOSE ORANGE-WEARING NINNIES COULDN'T WIN A GAME OF RING-TOSS IF THEY RIGGED IT.

Jaypa_medium I don't know.  I mean, they did win a national title and they've had a lot of quality teams under Boeheim.

Iconpaterno45_medium THEY ARE TREASONOUS, BACK-STABBING SONS OF WHORES.  MAY THEY ROT IN THEIR FETID BIG EAST PRISON FOR ALL OF TIME.

Jaypa_medium Well, San Diego State is solid this year, too.  In fact, that's probably who Penn State would play if they beat Temple.

Iconpaterno45_medium WHY ARE THE DIRTY SPANIARDS ALLOWED TO PLAY IN THIS AMERICAN BASKETS-BALL CUP?

Jaypa_medium San Diego State is an American university, Dad.  They're D-I and everything.  They are called the Aztecs.  Maybe that's what confused you.

Iconpaterno45_medium I MET AN AZTEC ONCE.  

Jaypa_medium Uh, what?  They've been dead for a really long time and -- 

Iconpaterno45_medium IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.  HE AND HIS FELLOW SAVAGES NURSED ME BACK TO HEALTH AFTER A BOUT OF THE SPANISH FLU.

Jaypa_medium Well that was awful nice of them.

Iconpaterno45_medium THEN I SHOT THEM WHEN THEIR BACKS WERE TURNED AND TOOK THEIR SCALPS.

Jaypa_medium ... right.  They're in Duke's region.  Who's also good.  Again.

Iconpaterno45_medium AH, DUKE.  IS THAT YOUNG POLACK STILL COACHING THEM?

Jaypa_medium Uh, yeah.  I mean, he's not so young. He's 64.

Iconpaterno45_medium I LIKE HIS SPUNK.

Jaypa_medium ...what?

Iconpaterno45_medium HIS MOXIE.  HIS GRIT.  WHAT DID YOU THINK I SAID?

Jaypa_medium Nevermind.

Iconpaterno45_medium YES, I THINK THE DUKE BASKETS-BALLERS WILL WIN THE CUP THIS YEAR.  

Jaypa_medium Well, that's certainly possible -- 

Iconpaterno45_medium AND THEN THEY WILL RETURN HOME TO THEIR PLANTATIONS TO SIP SWEET TEA AND BEAT THEIR SLAVES FOR NOT FINISHING THE HARVEST OF THE TOBACCO CROP.

Jaypa_medium Oh Jesus.

Iconpaterno45_medium NOW WHERE ARE MY GOD-DAMNED PUDDING POPS?  HARLOT!  

TFJ to Jacobi for letting me play with his toys.