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Jamie Pollard Talks to John Sterling

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Tuesday afternoon, Jacobsen Building, Iowa State University

Iconpollard_medium And that's why we beat Iowa and lost to Drake

Hoiberg_medium Why?

Iconpollard_medium I just said, we hadn't identified a point guard by the Drake game.

Hoiberg_medium Why?

Iconpollard_medium Because we didn't have one.

Hoiberg_medium Why?

Iconpollard_medium Because no Big Ten school dismissed their point guard last year for stealing laptops.

Hoiberg_medium Why?

Iconpollard_medium Because Royce White already stole them all.

Hoiberg_medium Why?

Iconpollard_medium Because he's a klepto--

Iconronald_medium Mr. Pollard? There's a call for you.

Iconpollard_medium Line one or line two?

Iconronald_medium We only have the one line, sir.

Iconpollard_medium I know. I just like to ask. Who is on the phone?

Iconronald_medium I didn't get a name, but the voice sounds strangely familiar.

Iconpollard_medium /picks up phone

Iconpollard_medium Iowa State athletics, where we're not last in the Big 12 anymore! Jamie speaking.

Johnsterling_icon_medium Mister Pollard, this is John Sterling, longtime radio voice of the New York Yankees.

Iconpollard_medium Ah, yes, Mr. Sterling. I have been expecting your call.

Johnsterling_icon_medium You have?

Iconpollard_medium Yes, and I can assure you that there's no need for Mr. Steinbrenner to come here and try to poach my baseball coach, because we don't even have a team.

Johnsterling_icon_medium That's not why I'm calling.

Iconpollard_medium No need to poach.

Johnsterling_icon_medium I can assure you, the Steinbrenners--

Iconpollard_medium No poaching.

Johnsterling_icon_medium --have no interest in--

Iconpollard_medium Nope, not gonna poach.

Johnsterling_icon_medium --your nonexistent baseball program.

Iconpollard_medium [whispers] Don't poach.

Johnsterling_icon_medium I'm calling you, Jamie, because your football team is playing in the Pinstripe Bowl at Legendary Yankee Stadium, and as the radio voice of the New York Yankees, I will be calling the game.

Iconpollard_medium Ooh, that's fun!

Johnsterling_icon_medium As I'm sure you know, I'm famous for my outlandish home run calls. And I thought it would be fun if we came up with some "touchdown calls" that I could use for my broadcast. I've looked over your team's roster, and I'd like some help in creating these horrible, horrible puns.

Iconpollard_medium Bad puns are my specialty!

Johnsterling_icon_medium That's what I've heard. Let's get to work.

Johnsterling_icon_medium Now, obviously, it will be key to come up with a call for the quarterback, so I thought of this.

Johnsterling_icon_medium /clears throat

Johnsterling_icon_medium He is...GONE! A touchdown pass from Steele Jantz! You may have Jantz in your pants, but you have STEEL in your SPINE! And Iowa State cuts the Rutgers lead to 14!

Iconpollard_medium That's great, John. But there's just one--

Johnsterling_icon_medium Get your Jantz in a can, because Jantz NEVER SAYS CAN'TS

Iconpollard_medium There's just one--

Johnsterling_icon_medium JANTZ is a summer blockbuster for the entire family!

Iconpollard_medium STEELE JANTZ ISN'T OUR QUARTERBACK ANYMORE.

Johnsterling_icon_medium He's not?

Iconpollard_medium No. He was replaced by Jared Barnett a couple of months ago.

Johnsterling_icon_medium No problem.

Johnsterling_icon_medium /clears throat

Johnsterling_icon_medium Barnett hits the receiver over the middle and he...is...GONE! You CAN hit the broad side of a barn, Barnett! And Iowa State now trails by just 24!

Iconpollard_medium That kind of implies--

Johnsterling_icon_medium I went on The Price Is Right and won a new car, a trip to Hawaii, and a Barnett set!

Iconpollard_medium That doesn't even make any sense.

Johnsterling_icon_medium He might have been BORN IN A BARN, but he was raised on a football field!

Iconpollard_medium That's -- hey, wait a minute.

Johnsterling_icon_medium Now, your halfback. James White?

Iconpollard_medium Maybe. It's either him or Jeff Woody.

Johnsterling_icon_medium We'll do one for each.

Johnsterling_icon_medium /clears throat

Johnsterling_icon_medium White takes the handoff off-tackle, breaks through, and he...is...GONE! James White scampers 14 yards for a touchdown! Beware blizzard conditions, because this is a WHITE OUT! And Iowa State reduces the Rutgers lead to four possessions!

Iconpollard_medium I don't like how we're losing in every examp--

Johnsterling_icon_medium It's a nice day for a WHITE WEDDING!

Iconpollard_medium --every examp--

Johnsterling_icon_medium A bobwhite might never leave the ground, but this James White is SOARING!

Iconpollard_medium --example.

Johnsterling_icon_medium Let's try the other guy. Woody takes the direct snap, leaps over the pile, and he...is...GONE! This isn't just a TOY STORY! This is a touchdown! And Iowa State gets back within 30!

Iconpollard_medium That's horrible.

Johnsterling_icon_medium We can probably speed this up. You name me some guys from your team, and I'll come up with calls on the spot.

Iconpollard_medium OK...Darius Darks, wide receiver.

Johnsterling_icon_medium He...is...GONE! DARKS...catches DARTS! And Iowa State scores a touchdown! With 12 minutes to play, Rutgers leads by only 42!

Iconpollard_medium Josh Lenz, wideout.

Johnsterling_icon_medium He...is...GONE! Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes LENZ! No need to adjust your focus, just look through the LENZ for THAT touchdown!

Iconpollard_medium Grant Mahoney, placekicker.

Johnsterling_icon_medium The kick...is...GOOD! You're the top bologna, Grant Mahoney! We spell this bologna with an FG! You don't need a loan when you can get the government to KICK in a...GRANT!

Iconpollard_medium Kelechi Osemele, tackle.

Johnsterling_icon_medium He picks up the fumble, and he...is...GONE! A touchdown for Osemele! Oh-suh-mell-ya-later! Smell ya later forever! And Iowa State cuts the lead to 48!

Iconpollard_medium Carter Bykowski, tackle.

Johnsterling_icon_medium The tackle was eligible, and he catches the pass, and he...is...GONE! A touchdown catch for Carter Bykowski! Way to go, Donnie! You're the Big Bykowski! The dude abides...WITH A TOUCHDOWN!

Iconpollard_medium Matt Tau'fo'ou, middle linebacker.

Johnsterling_icon_medium And that pass is...PICKED OFF. And he...is...GONE! A touchdown for Iowa State. NO TAU FO YOU, RUTGERS! Put out the welcome MATT in the END ZONE!

Iconpollard_medium Ter'Ran Benton, defensive back.

Johnsterling_icon_medium Benton jars the ball loose, snaps it up, and he...is...GONE! A touchdown for Ter'Ran Benton! And TER RAN! TER RAN SO FAR TER WAY! The fundamentalist regime in Ter'Ran is oppressive to SCARLET KNIGHTS!

Iconpollard_medium Well, I must say, Mr. Sterling, that those are horrible. I don't have any other players to disparage with horrible puns.

Johnsterling_icon_medium Jamie, I did have a question about this one player. Wes Sleeper. He's a defensive back.

Iconpollard_medium Yeah, he doesn't play.

Johnsterling_icon_medium Still, I want to be prepared, and I can't come up with anything good.

Iconpollard_medium Um...his name is Sleeper.

Johnsterling_icon_medium I know, right? But nothing comes to mind. Do you have any information on him, like where he's from?

Iconpollard_medium The roster says he's from Solon.

Johnsterling_icon_medium There! Perfect!

Johnsterling_icon_medium /clears throat

Johnsterling_icon_medium Sleeper streaks down the field on kickoff coverage. He makes the hit and jars the ball loose, and he...is...GONE! A touchdown for the Cyclones! He may be from Solon, but it's the Rutgers Scarlet Nights who are...

Iconpollard_medium ...are what?

Johnsterling_icon_medium I'm looking for a word, a synonym for sullen.

Iconpollard_medium Forlorn?

Johnsterling_icon_medium No, it has to be a more extreme emotion than that.

Iconpollard_medium Distraught?

Johnsterling_icon_medium No, even more desperately sad.

Iconpollard_medium Inconsolable?

Johnsterling_icon_medium YEAH DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE INCONSOLABLE. HAHAHAHA ENJOY NEW YORK IN DECEMBER POLLARD BLOODPUNCH OUT MOFOS

Iconphone45_medium /beep

Iconpollard_medium Hello?

Iconpollard_medium Hello?

Iconpollard_medium /hangs up phone

Hoiberg_medium Why did you hang up the phone?

Iconpollard_medium Because the other caller hung up.

Hoiberg_medium Why?

Iconpollard_medium Because they were done tricking me again.

Hoiberg_medium Why?

Iconpollard_medium Because I'm gullible.

Hoiberg_medium Why?

Iconpollard_medium sigh

Iconpollard_medium Sadpollard_medium

Iconpollard_medium /is inconsolable

Meanwhile, at a hotel in Tempe

Iconbarta_medium Oh, I missed doing that this fall.

Iconferentz_medium Yeah, me too.

Iconferentz_medium OK, I've got to get back to practice.

Iconbarta_medium Oh, c'mon Kirk. One more. It's not like you're going to beat Oklahoma without a halfback, anyway.

Iconbarta_medium Iconbarta90_medium

Iconferentz_medium Fine. One more.

Iconbarta_medium Should we call Coker and pretend to be aliens again?

Iconferentz_medium Yeah, that was fun.

Iconferentz_medium Sure am glad the offseason is back.