Tuesday afternoon, Jacobsen Building, Iowa State University
And that's why we beat Iowa and lost to Drake
Why?
I just said, we hadn't identified a point guard by the Drake game.
Why?
Because we didn't have one.
Why?
Because no Big Ten school dismissed their point guard last year for stealing laptops.
Why?
Because Royce White already stole them all.
Why?
Because he's a klepto--
Mr. Pollard? There's a call for you.
Line one or line two?
We only have the one line, sir.
I know. I just like to ask. Who is on the phone?
I didn't get a name, but the voice sounds strangely familiar.
/picks up phone
Iowa State athletics, where we're not last in the Big 12 anymore! Jamie speaking.
Mister Pollard, this is John Sterling, longtime radio voice of the New York Yankees.
Ah, yes, Mr. Sterling. I have been expecting your call.
You have?
Yes, and I can assure you that there's no need for Mr. Steinbrenner to come here and try to poach my baseball coach, because we don't even have a team.
That's not why I'm calling.
No need to poach.
I can assure you, the Steinbrenners--
No poaching.
--have no interest in--
Nope, not gonna poach.
--your nonexistent baseball program.
[whispers] Don't poach.
I'm calling you, Jamie, because your football team is playing in the Pinstripe Bowl at Legendary Yankee Stadium, and as the radio voice of the New York Yankees, I will be calling the game.
Ooh, that's fun!
As I'm sure you know, I'm famous for my outlandish home run calls. And I thought it would be fun if we came up with some "touchdown calls" that I could use for my broadcast. I've looked over your team's roster, and I'd like some help in creating these horrible, horrible puns.
Bad puns are my specialty!
That's what I've heard. Let's get to work.
Now, obviously, it will be key to come up with a call for the quarterback, so I thought of this.
/clears throat
He is...GONE! A touchdown pass from Steele Jantz! You may have Jantz in your pants, but you have STEEL in your SPINE! And Iowa State cuts the Rutgers lead to 14!
That's great, John. But there's just one--
Get your Jantz in a can, because Jantz NEVER SAYS CAN'TS
There's just one--
JANTZ is a summer blockbuster for the entire family!
STEELE JANTZ ISN'T OUR QUARTERBACK ANYMORE.
He's not?
No. He was replaced by Jared Barnett a couple of months ago.
No problem.
/clears throat
Barnett hits the receiver over the middle and he...is...GONE! You CAN hit the broad side of a barn, Barnett! And Iowa State now trails by just 24!
That kind of implies--
I went on The Price Is Right and won a new car, a trip to Hawaii, and a Barnett set!
That doesn't even make any sense.
He might have been BORN IN A BARN, but he was raised on a football field!
That's -- hey, wait a minute.
Now, your halfback. James White?
Maybe. It's either him or Jeff Woody.
We'll do one for each.
/clears throat
White takes the handoff off-tackle, breaks through, and he...is...GONE! James White scampers 14 yards for a touchdown! Beware blizzard conditions, because this is a WHITE OUT! And Iowa State reduces the Rutgers lead to four possessions!
I don't like how we're losing in every examp--
It's a nice day for a WHITE WEDDING!
--every examp--
A bobwhite might never leave the ground, but this James White is SOARING!
--example.
Let's try the other guy. Woody takes the direct snap, leaps over the pile, and he...is...GONE! This isn't just a TOY STORY! This is a touchdown! And Iowa State gets back within 30!
That's horrible.
We can probably speed this up. You name me some guys from your team, and I'll come up with calls on the spot.
OK...Darius Darks, wide receiver.
He...is...GONE! DARKS...catches DARTS! And Iowa State scores a touchdown! With 12 minutes to play, Rutgers leads by only 42!
Josh Lenz, wideout.
He...is...GONE! Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes LENZ! No need to adjust your focus, just look through the LENZ for THAT touchdown!
Grant Mahoney, placekicker.
The kick...is...GOOD! You're the top bologna, Grant Mahoney! We spell this bologna with an FG! You don't need a loan when you can get the government to KICK in a...GRANT!
Kelechi Osemele, tackle.
He picks up the fumble, and he...is...GONE! A touchdown for Osemele! Oh-suh-mell-ya-later! Smell ya later forever! And Iowa State cuts the lead to 48!
Carter Bykowski, tackle.
The tackle was eligible, and he catches the pass, and he...is...GONE! A touchdown catch for Carter Bykowski! Way to go, Donnie! You're the Big Bykowski! The dude abides...WITH A TOUCHDOWN!
Matt Tau'fo'ou, middle linebacker.
And that pass is...PICKED OFF. And he...is...GONE! A touchdown for Iowa State. NO TAU FO YOU, RUTGERS! Put out the welcome MATT in the END ZONE!
Ter'Ran Benton, defensive back.
Benton jars the ball loose, snaps it up, and he...is...GONE! A touchdown for Ter'Ran Benton! And TER RAN! TER RAN SO FAR TER WAY! The fundamentalist regime in Ter'Ran is oppressive to SCARLET KNIGHTS!
Well, I must say, Mr. Sterling, that those are horrible. I don't have any other players to disparage with horrible puns.
Jamie, I did have a question about this one player. Wes Sleeper. He's a defensive back.
Yeah, he doesn't play.
Still, I want to be prepared, and I can't come up with anything good.
Um...his name is Sleeper.
I know, right? But nothing comes to mind. Do you have any information on him, like where he's from?
The roster says he's from Solon.
There! Perfect!
/clears throat
Sleeper streaks down the field on kickoff coverage. He makes the hit and jars the ball loose, and he...is...GONE! A touchdown for the Cyclones! He may be from Solon, but it's the Rutgers Scarlet Nights who are...
...are what?
I'm looking for a word, a synonym for sullen.
Forlorn?
No, it has to be a more extreme emotion than that.
Distraught?
No, even more desperately sad.
Inconsolable?
YEAH DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE INCONSOLABLE. HAHAHAHA ENJOY NEW YORK IN DECEMBER POLLARD BLOODPUNCH OUT MOFOS
/beep
Hello?
Hello?
/hangs up phone
Why did you hang up the phone?
Because the other caller hung up.
Why?
Because they were done tricking me again.
Why?
Because I'm gullible.
Why?
sigh
/is inconsolable
Meanwhile, at a hotel in Tempe
Oh, I missed doing that this fall.
Yeah, me too.
OK, I've got to get back to practice.
Oh, c'mon Kirk. One more. It's not like you're going to beat Oklahoma without a halfback, anyway.
Fine. One more.
Should we call Coker and pretend to be aliens again?
Yeah, that was fun.
Sure am glad the offseason is back.