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Norm cleans out his office

(NOTE: We're bringing back this post from when Norm retired two years ago. Seems even more fitting today. -- PV)


Tuesday at the Iowa football office

Iconferentz_medium Norm, you don't really need to do this. Our bowl game is not for more than two weeks.

Iconnorm_medium Yes, I do. Every little item in this room holds a special memory for me and every time I look around, I get a hankering to come back next year and I don't think I can do it.

Iconnorm_medium Plus, I bought a sandwich from Subway last week and kinda misplaced it. And well... it's really starting to reek in here.

Iconferentz_medium Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything, but this room smells rank. Anyway, I'll help you out.

Iconnorm_medium Shouldn't you be looking for replacement?

Iconferentz_medium Actually, that's what I've been trying to avoid. Mike Stoops has called me everyday for the last two weeks and he never stops yelling: "HI KIRK! STILL LOOKING FOR A DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR KIRK? I'D LIKE A MEDIUM HAND-TOSSED CANADIAN BACON AND MUSHROOM PIZZA" That last one was a wrong number, but I'm worried about going deaf and quite frankly, I'm not sure how I am going to let him know that he didn't earn the job.

Iconnorm_medium (bored) Yeah, sounds like hell. (Picks something up) Now this brings back some memories.


Iconferentz_medium What is it?

Iconnorm_medium It's the defensive gameplan for the Orange Bowl

Kirk opens it up

Iconferentz_medium It's just a single page.


Iconnorm_medium And boy did it work. Those bumblebees haven't been the same since. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I went to Georgia in the 1960s? I was celebrating Sherman's March to the Sea by visiting every bar in the state, downing a battle of Jack and peeing on the bathroom floor. Three weeks in, they already had a nickname for me - Stoneballs Jackson... I've been blacklisted by the SEC ever since.

Iconferentz_medium Didn't you coach at Vanderbilt?

Iconnorm_medium Oh yeah. I knew those bastards couldn't hold me down.

Iconferentz_medium Wait, what's this?


Iconnorm_medium Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. That's what I like to call the "Predator." Nothing made practice more fun at Minnesota than this baby.

Iconferentz_medium Practice?

Iconnorm_medium Oh yeah, the NCAA was way more lax back in those days. Nothing makes a player give 100 percent more than having a crossbow fixed on them. I used to wear these fake glasses during the season and then when I would aim, I'd take ‘em off and all the players started scattering because they thought I was blind. It was hilarious.

Iconferentz_medium You never shot anybody though, right?

Iconnorm_medium Hell yes I did. Tony Dungy played three games his senior season with an arrow sticking out of his shoulder. Made him a tougher player and it scared the hell out of opposing players. Damn NCAA, we could have used the ol' Predator a bunch of times this season.

Iconferentz_medium AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What the hell is this doing in your office?


Iconnorm_medium Whoa. Don't drop that, it's a relic.

Iconferentz_medium It's a skull!

Iconnorm_medium Wrong. Not just any skull, it's Jim Morrison's skull.

Iconferentz_medium Who?

Iconnorm_medium What do you mean ‘who'? Jim Morrison! The lead singer of the Doors. What the hell were you listening to as a teenager?

Iconferentz_medium Pat Boone and Andy Williams and, when my parents weren't paying attention, The Archies. I have heard of Jim Morrison though, I'm not a complete square.

Iconnorm_medium Yeah, I'm not too sure of that. Anyway, me and the Missus were in Paris on a holiday in the early 70s and one of the places we make sure to visit is Morrison's grave. After all, he always stated that "Touch Me" was written about me and my courting of Mrs. Parker. Now the big rumor is that Morrison is still alive and of course there is only one way to make sure. So we're at the gravesite late at night and what do we forget to bring? Shovels! So I'm on my haunches digging through the dirt and finally I hit a coffin. I grab the door, give it a big shove and what do I see?

Iconferentz_medium What?

Iconnorm_medium Nothing. The damn thing was empty. A week later, I get a package in the mail. There's a skull inside and a note saying "This is Jim Morrison's skull." It was the best Christmas gift my wife ever gave me.

Iconferentz_medium Awwwwwwww. That's kind of sweet. (Grabs another thing) OK, any explanation about this?


Iconnorm_medium That's none of your damn business, thank you very much. Sometimes a man just gets hungry. Now give me that.

Iconferentz_medium OK, I don't even want to ask about this.


Iconnorm_medium That was from when I performed my own episodes of "Days of Our Lives"

Iconferentz_medium This?


Iconnorm_medium Used it to try to get a piece of the Parker Bros. fortune.


Iconnorm_medium I was the model for Nanny in the Muppet Babies cartoon. I still wear the socks.


Iconnorm_medium That's how I found out there was no treasure underneath the floor. You can never be to careful.

Iconferentz_medium Don't you have anything football related in here?

Iconnorm_medium What about that?


Iconferentz_medium Hey. We've been looking for that for two years now. I always thought that Wegher grabbed it on his way out. Why do you have it?

Iconnorm_medium Because I could not think of anybody who deserved it more. We got ‘em that night, didn't we?

Iconferentz_medium We sure did. *sniff* I'm really going to miss you Norm, you were one of the good guys.

Iconnorm_medium I'm gonna miss you too Ki- Oooh, I found the sandwich. You want a bite?

Iconferentz_medium Sobs uncontrollably

Iconnorm_medium (Shrugs) Your loss.