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Ron Zook And The Badgering Reporter

(For context, click here.)

Yesterday, Ron Zook's press conference.

Zookicon_medium Let me make one thing clear before we get going.  This thing's about our football team, about the team that we're playing, about the things going on with our football.  Not about me, not about my future.  I think our fans, I think our players deserve that.  If you feel compelled to talk about that, then my part will be over.

Shannon_ryan_icon_medium Just from a football perspective, do you talk about, so it doesn't become a distraction, rumors about you or the off-the-field stuff?

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium ...

Shannon_ryan_icon_medium You know, from a football perspective, does it -- you know, just as far as keeping it from being a distraction.

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium /sighs

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Just couldn't let it go, could you, Shannon? 

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium /struts out, chest puffed out

* * *

A few hours later...

Zookicon_medium Hmm... ol' Ronnie's feeling a little peckish.  Time to go rustle up some dinner.

Zookicon_medium /drives to the the culinary mecca of Champaign-Urbana

Drive_thru_box_icon_medium BZZT.  HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

Zookicon_medium Uh, yeah, I'd like a Whopper with extra mayo, extra pickles, but no cheese.  Oh, and onion rings instead of fries.  And a Diet Coke.  Gotta watch my figure! 

Drive_thru_box_icon_medium BZZT.  ANYTHING ELSE?

Zookicon_medium Um, a small chocolate milkshake.  With Oreo sprinkles.  Ol' Ronnie needs a little treat sometimes, y'know?



Shannon_ryan_icon_medium Here's your order, Mr. Zook, and by the way how do the rumors about your job security impact your appetite?

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium ...

* * *

The next day, at yoga class.

Zookicon_medium Now this is what ol' Ronnie needs.  A little zen tranquility.  Yessir, a little inner peace will do the trick.

Female_silhouette_medium Let's do Downward-Facing Dog.

Zookicon_medium /stretches

Female_silhouette_medium And now let's do Ron Zook's Future Job Status.

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium ...


Shannon_ryan_icon_medium Excuse me, Mr. Zook, how does your uncertain future effect your ability to relax here?

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium ...

* * *

Later that evening, at Champaign-Urbana's premier drinking hole

Zookicon_medium Barkeep!  Ol' Ronnie needs a drink.

Female_bartender_icon_medium Sure.  What are you drinking?

Zookicon_medium Sex on the Beach.  And make it with double schnapps.  Ol' Ronnie's had a long day.

Female_bartender_icon_medium Sure.

Female_bartender_icon_medium /mixes drink

Female_bartender_icon_medium Here you go.

Zookicon_medium /sips drink through straw while twirling miniature umbrella

Zookicon_medium Ahh... now that hits the spot for ol' Ronnie.

Female_bartender_icon_medium So what's weighing you down, guy?

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Aw, you don't wanna hear about ol' Ronnie's problems.

Female_bartender_icon_medium Sure I do.  I'm a bartender.  It's in my job description.

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Well, we got a big dang football game comin' up this weekend.  The Badgers are comin' to town this weekend and they're a pretty dang good football team. 

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Yessir, gonna be tough one.

Female_bartender_icon_medium Been a rough few weeks for you guys, huh?

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium /sighs

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Yeah, you could say that.

Female_bartender_icon_medium Four losses in a row.  That's rough.

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium /says nothing, but continues sipping drink and twirling miniature umbrella

Female_bartender_icon_medium That's gotta weigh on a person.  Gotta make 'em wonder about their job security.

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium /sighs

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Aw, not you too --

Female_bartender_icon_medium Me too who?

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium This dang lady reporter, Shannon Ryan.  She's a real burr in my britches.

Female_bartender_icon_medium You don't say?

Female_bartender_icon_medium /rips off mask

Shannon_ryan_icon_medium Tell me, Coach Zook, how's all this speculation about your job status make you feel?  Are you worried about getting fired?  Is that why you're drinking so much?

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Sonuvabitch.

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Damn it, what's your problem, lady?  What do you have against ol' Ronnie?!  Why you gotta keep followin' me around badgerin' me all the time?

Shannon_ryan_icon_medium /rips off mask


Bucky_badger_icon_medium HMM, BADGERING YOU SAY?


Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium /wakes up in a cold sweat

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium Oh thank god.  It was just a dream.  Ol' Ronnie was just having himself one bad ol' nightmare.  Right, honey?


Brewsterpowericon_medium TOAST FIRED KAPUT

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium What?

Brewsterpowericon_medium TRY FIGHT SIDELINE COMMENTARY!

Ron_zook_sad_icon_medium NOOOOOOOO!

- fin -