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IOWA CITY--At an often emotional press conference on Tuesday, Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz admitted to reporters that he was so angry, he defecated a fully functional headset during Saturday's 37-21 loss to Michigan State.
"Jerel Worthy was there on the ground after another first down, acting like he'd taken a Louisville Slugger right below the ear," said Ferentz. "I knew he was lying. Everyone knew he was lying. How am I supposed to react to that?"
"We're not Oregon -- obviously," Ferentz said before adding a derisive snort. "So on offense, [Dantonio]` can run fake field goals, but on defense you have to roll around like Vlade Divac to stop the clock? Hang on, I have something in my eye, I need to karate chop it out."
Ferentz then said that his anger over the situation caused him a great deal of abdominal stress before that discomfort expressed itself violently, mid-rant.
"I felt a pinching sensation, then I felt a rip in my khakis and thought I had grown a tail," Ferentz said to a chorus of laughs from the Iowa beat reporters. "I honestly thought I did. But then I heard it hit the ground and I knew that sound immediately. I guess I had ripped the headset off its cord then shoved it in my mouth during a previous yelling session. Norm [Parker] told me that happens to him a lot. There was a lot of cord still left on it, though. I don't know, it's weird, no question. I hope I got the message across. I don't really feel like doing that again."
Ferentz was not flagged for his defecatory exuberance, nor was he fined; a cursory scan of NCAA and Big Ten rules shows that there are no by-laws that cover a coach's digestive system and/or ingested foreign objects by non-players. The Big Ten announced that had the headset been pooped by a player, it would have been trusted for drug and money, but coaches are pretty much allowed to have as much of those as they want.
This is thought to be Ferentz's first instance of pooping things during play since his Iowa coaching debut in 1999, when an Eric Crouch run caused a series of bricks to effectively de-pants Ferentz.
We are sad to report that Ferentz's digested and excreted headset has been examined for diseases and other sundry health concerns by graduate assistants, but that they all quit their jobs when told why we were asking them to do this. We have been told to expect lawsuits.