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JoePa Chooses A Quarterback

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Six months ago...

Iconrobbolden_medium I want to transfer.

Iconpaterno45_medium NO.

Six days ago...

Iconmcgloin_medium I want to start.

Iconpaterno45_medium NO.

Six hours ago...

Bsd_icon_medium FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST PICK ONE QUARTERBACK AND STICK WITH HIM~!

Iconpaterno45_medium NO.

Bsd_icon_medium /hangs self

Iconpaterno45_medium /watches film

Iconrobbolden_medium /fumbles

Iconmcgloin_medium /throws interception

Iconrobbolden_medium /incomplete

Iconmcgloin_medium /incomplete

Iconrobbolden_medium /incomplete

Iconmcgloin_medium /incomplete

Iconrobbolden_medium /throws interception

Iconpaterno45_medium SWEET CHRIST, THESE PUSTULANT OAFS ARE WRETCHED AT QUARTERBACKING.  

Iconpaterno45_medium THEY QUARTERBACK LIKE THE DESPICABLE IRISHMEN BATHE.

Jaypa_medium Well, Dad, I don't know if that's really fair -- 

Iconpaterno45_medium QUIET, YOU NINNY.  YOU KNOW I VALUE YOUR OPINION AS MUCH AS I DO THE STAPLER.

Jaypa_medium /sobs

Iconpaterno45_medium THAT'S NOT TRUE. THE STAPLER SECURELY BINDS DOCUMENTS TOGETHER WITH FIRM METAL .  I VALUE IT GREATLY.

Jaypa_medium /sobs

Iconpaterno45_medium THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.  WE MUST HAVE A BETTER QUARTERBACK IF WE ARE TO BEAT THE HATED IOWANS.

Iconpaterno45_medium SECRETARY!

Iconsecretary_medium "...and then I told Jay that his date was actually a guy and --"

Iconpaterno45_medium SECRETARY

Iconsecretary_medium "-- dammit.  I gotta go."

Iconpaterno45_medium SECRETARY

Iconsecretary_medium Yes?

Iconpaterno45_medium I MUST HAVE A QUARTERBACK.  CALL KERRY COLLINS.

Iconsecretary_medium what

Iconpaterno45_medium ARE YOU DEAF AS WELL AS DUMB NOW?  CALL KERRY COLLINS.  HE IS A FINE QUARTERBACKING SPECIMEN.

Iconsecretary_medium He's out of eligibility.

Iconpaterno45_medium POPPYCOCK.  WHY IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY I SAW HIM ROAMING BEAVER STADIUM.

Iconsecretary_medium He hasn't played for Penn State in like 15 years.

Iconpaterno45_medium NONSENSE.  I JUST WATCHED PRACTICE FILM OF HIM.

Iconsecretary_medium He's in the NFL.

Iconpaterno45_medium IMPOSSIBLE.  I WOULD NEVER ALLOW A PENN STATE QUARTERBACK TO WHORE HIMSELF OUT FOR MONEY.  ALSO, HE WAS WEARING BLUE AND WHITE.

Iconsecretary_medium He plays for the Colts.

Iconpaterno45_medium THE WHO?

Iconsecretary_medium The Indianapolis Colts.

Iconpaterno45_medium I DO NOT RECOGNIZE THOSE VILE SCOFFLAWS.

Iconsecretary_medium They won the Super Bowl like five years ago.

Iconpaterno45_medium FOR ABANDONING BALTIMORE THEY WILL BE FOREVER KNOWN AS TRAITOROUS REPROBATES.  

Iconsecretary_medium ...

Iconpaterno45_medium WHY AM I NOT SPEAKING TO KERRY COLLINS RIGHT THIS INSTANT?

Iconsecretary_medium /sighs

Iconsecretary_medium Okay, let me find his phone number.

Iconpaterno45_medium NO, I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO HIM IN PERSON.  

Iconsecretary_medium what

Iconpaterno45_medium TO LOOK HIM IN THE EYE AND SEE THE FIRE THAT EMERGES FROM HIS LOINS.

Iconsecretary_medium /sighs

Iconsecretary_medium /works her administrative magic

Iconsecretary_medium Okay, he says he's on his way.

Six hours later...

Speakericon_medium Kerry Collins, here to see Coach Paterno.

Iconsecretary_medium Sir?  Kerry Collins is here.

Iconpaterno45_medium SEND HIM IN POST HASTE.

Kerry_collins_icon_medium  /enters

Kerry_collins_icon_medium Hey, Coach.

Iconpaterno45_medium WHAT

Iconpaterno45_medium WHO IS THIS ANCIENT, WITHERED CRONE

Kerry_collins_icon_medium Um, it's me, Kerry Collins

Iconpaterno45_medium THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.  YOU LOOK AS OLD AS ONE OF MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS

Kerry_collins_icon_medium Um.

Iconpaterno45_medium I TIRE OF THIS TOMFOOLERY.  SEND IN THE REAL KERRY COLLINS.

Kerry_collins_icon_medium Yeah, it's really me.

Iconpaterno45_medium BY ODIN'S CODPIECE, WHAT EVIL SORCERY HAS MADE YOU LOOK SO OLD?  WAS IT THE GINGER?  DID HE STEAL YOUR VITALITY?  I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE HAD HIM EXILED.

Kerry_collins_icon_medium Uh, just a lot of drinkin', whorin', and footballin' over the last decade and a half, Coach.  

Iconpaterno45_medium CAN YOU STILL PLAY FOOTBALL?

Kerry_collins_icon_medium I don't think I have any eligibility left, Coach.

Iconsecretary_medium That's what I said.

Iconpaterno45_medium QUIET, YOU.  SO YOU CANNOT QUARTERBACK ON SATURDAY AGAINST THE HATED IOWANS?

Kerry_collins_icon_medium Nope.  Sorry, Coach.

Iconpaterno45_medium COCK AND BALLS.

Iconpaterno45_medium SECRETARY!

Iconsecretary_medium Yes?

Iconpaterno45_medium BRING ME ANTHONY MORELLI!

Iconrobbolden_medium Goddammit.  I knew I should have transferred.