Six months ago...
I want to transfer.
NO.
Six days ago...
I want to start.
NO.
Six hours ago...
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST PICK ONE QUARTERBACK AND STICK WITH HIM~!
NO.
/hangs self
/watches film
/fumbles
/throws interception
/incomplete
/incomplete
/incomplete
/incomplete
/throws interception
SWEET CHRIST, THESE PUSTULANT OAFS ARE WRETCHED AT QUARTERBACKING.
THEY QUARTERBACK LIKE THE DESPICABLE IRISHMEN BATHE.
Well, Dad, I don't know if that's really fair --
QUIET, YOU NINNY. YOU KNOW I VALUE YOUR OPINION AS MUCH AS I DO THE STAPLER.
/sobs
THAT'S NOT TRUE. THE STAPLER SECURELY BINDS DOCUMENTS TOGETHER WITH FIRM METAL . I VALUE IT GREATLY.
/sobs
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. WE MUST HAVE A BETTER QUARTERBACK IF WE ARE TO BEAT THE HATED IOWANS.
SECRETARY!
"...and then I told Jay that his date was actually a guy and --"
SECRETARY
"-- dammit. I gotta go."
SECRETARY
Yes?
I MUST HAVE A QUARTERBACK. CALL KERRY COLLINS.
what
ARE YOU DEAF AS WELL AS DUMB NOW? CALL KERRY COLLINS. HE IS A FINE QUARTERBACKING SPECIMEN.
He's out of eligibility.
POPPYCOCK. WHY IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY I SAW HIM ROAMING BEAVER STADIUM.
He hasn't played for Penn State in like 15 years.
NONSENSE. I JUST WATCHED PRACTICE FILM OF HIM.
He's in the NFL.
IMPOSSIBLE. I WOULD NEVER ALLOW A PENN STATE QUARTERBACK TO WHORE HIMSELF OUT FOR MONEY. ALSO, HE WAS WEARING BLUE AND WHITE.
He plays for the Colts.
THE WHO?
The Indianapolis Colts.
I DO NOT RECOGNIZE THOSE VILE SCOFFLAWS.
They won the Super Bowl like five years ago.
FOR ABANDONING BALTIMORE THEY WILL BE FOREVER KNOWN AS TRAITOROUS REPROBATES.
...
WHY AM I NOT SPEAKING TO KERRY COLLINS RIGHT THIS INSTANT?
/sighs
Okay, let me find his phone number.
NO, I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO HIM IN PERSON.
what
TO LOOK HIM IN THE EYE AND SEE THE FIRE THAT EMERGES FROM HIS LOINS.
/sighs
/works her administrative magic
Okay, he says he's on his way.
Six hours later...
Kerry Collins, here to see Coach Paterno.
Sir? Kerry Collins is here.
SEND HIM IN POST HASTE.
/enters
Hey, Coach.
WHAT
WHO IS THIS ANCIENT, WITHERED CRONE
Um, it's me, Kerry Collins
THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. YOU LOOK AS OLD AS ONE OF MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS
Um.
I TIRE OF THIS TOMFOOLERY. SEND IN THE REAL KERRY COLLINS.
Yeah, it's really me.
BY ODIN'S CODPIECE, WHAT EVIL SORCERY HAS MADE YOU LOOK SO OLD? WAS IT THE GINGER? DID HE STEAL YOUR VITALITY? I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE HAD HIM EXILED.
Uh, just a lot of drinkin', whorin', and footballin' over the last decade and a half, Coach.
CAN YOU STILL PLAY FOOTBALL?
I don't think I have any eligibility left, Coach.
That's what I said.
QUIET, YOU. SO YOU CANNOT QUARTERBACK ON SATURDAY AGAINST THE HATED IOWANS?
Nope. Sorry, Coach.
COCK AND BALLS.
SECRETARY!
Yes?
BRING ME ANTHONY MORELLI!
Goddammit. I knew I should have transferred.